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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to see my grandmother again

11 replies

PleasantPheasant · 12/12/2016 19:47

I probably am BU but...
I only have one grandparent left, see her once or twice a year and have never felt she likes me. She's nothing like the grandparents people I know describe. I feel she has no interest in knowing me and while I had an interest in her growing up... I don't think I do any more.
She clearly favours my cousins and clearly favours my aunt and uncles over my mum. My mum does so much for her mother and after my grandfather died we took her in for Christmases for years, her other children didn't offer. I have really tried and done nice things for her over the years but she just doesn't want to know me and takes no interest in my life. She claims she forgets but can remember every detail of my cousins' wonderful lives (who never go to see her).
If she wasn't my grandmother, I think she wouldn't be a person I would want to know and I am putting off seeing her again. She is old and has had some health issues, she might not be around too much longer but right now I don't think I want to see her again before she dies. And I don't want to go to her funeral.
Is this really so terrible?

OP posts:
comoneileen · 12/12/2016 19:50

YANBU it is nothing to do with you. Trying to get her interest is not possible.
You have no obligation to stay in touch. Let her reap what she has sown.

Warl · 12/12/2016 19:54

I secretly hope this is a decision my DD makes in 20 years time about my MIL tbh.

PavlovianLunge · 12/12/2016 19:54

YANBU. She's effectively made herself a stranger to you, so why would you care, or visit her, or go to her funeral? Let her go and don't be hard on yourself.

Catsick36 · 12/12/2016 19:59

As soon as you withdraw she will be all over you. My nan was just like that, thought I was a doormat and boring nothing i did was ever good enough. When I started to ignore her she came running honestly couldn't get enough. My mum is the same.

bullywee · 12/12/2016 20:05

I got extremely fed up of the way I was being treated by my Gran and cut off all contact in August 2012. Long story short she and several of her b!tch daughters thought it would be wise to phone me in the middle of the night kidding on that they were the hospital to tell me that my other Gran was "lying dead in the morgue".

She died very recently. I went to the funeral basically just to show face but I never contacted her once in 4 years and she never contacted me. No regrets in not visiting her so do what you want!

wherethefuckisthefuckingtuna · 12/12/2016 20:10

YANBU.

My grandmother on my Fathers side is exactly the same. Favours my cousins, is completely uninterested in me and my DB and always has been.

She's not interested in us and never has been. If she's awful to you, why would you choose to spend time with her.

NormHonal · 12/12/2016 20:14

YANBU.

My Gran was like this towards the end of her life towards my DMum and after finding out how she had behaved from my DDad I decided not to bother any more. She died a couple of years later and I don't have any regrets.

Other family members didn't get treated the way mum DMum did (classic golden child/scapegoat) and have criticised that decision, and I would like the chance to explain properly at some point, but wouldn't change what I did.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 12/12/2016 20:19

It's something I've heard of in other families, that the adult child who does most for their parents is the least appreciated, and this passes down to the grandchildren too. Sounds like your grandmother only likes relatives who don't bother with her, or put her down. I imagine she has very low self-esteem.

I'd do what you want. Don't wear yourself out trying to get approval or attention from her. You deserve better. You certainly don't owe her anything.

Original poster
PleasantPheasant · 12/12/2016 20:49

Thank you all for your replies. I really thought I'd get a bashing there! Sorry to hear some of you have had similar experiences.
I think the thing holding me back is that she is the only grandparent I have had the chance to really know and have a relationship with. My Dad's parents died before I was born, my granddad (her husband) was much older than her and not really with it when I knew him before he died, I've never known great grandparents, no real relationship with other extended family so I think I've been holding out hoping for some wonderful grandparent relationship but I guess I should let that go before we get more hurt.
The most hurtful thing would be that when her husband died, we rallied round. When my DSis died, it was more about her than even caring for my parents or us, she never even spoke to us and my poor parents had to tiptoe around her "grief" (treated my Dsis the same as she treated me - no interest when she was alive) and received no support, not so much as an "I'm sorry".
I fear hurting my mum by going NC, I just mostly say I'm too busy working and avoid seeing her.

OP posts:
RustyPaperclip · 12/12/2016 21:01

OP, I know how you feel. One set of my grandparents died fairly young (I never met my grandfather) the other set were never obviously horrible to me, but I knew from being a young child that I was second best compared to cousins. Christmas was always the worst time of year because it was obvious from the presents who was favoured the most. It hurt me a lot when I was younger but after many years I realised that I wasn't to blame, it was caused by situations out of my control. They are both deceased now and I don't hold a grudge anymore, just a sadness that I could have had a great relationship with them

RustyPaperclip · 12/12/2016 21:03

I'm so sorry about your Dsis Flowers

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