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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty about bringing nothing in (sahm).

23 replies

MagicMary1 · 12/12/2016 19:28

I married my wonderful amazing husband 4 years ago. Before I met him I was a single parent with no support looking after 13,12 year old boys (now 17,16).

I had two twin boys 2 years ago. I became a sahm after having them. I always felt I missed the younger years of my eldest so wanted to be sahm.

Dh earns £110,000 a year (which may seem a lot). However we have a mortgage on a 5 bed house in London. With that pay he's supporting 5 teens two toddlers and me. We still have a spare cash at the end of the month but not as much as we could. Dh says he doesn't mind because they are part of the package that comes with me. He is there dad, bio dad has gone back to Italy to have another family and left me when they were 3.

I'm having second thoughts about being a sahm. Should I feel guilty. Aibu

OP posts:
Gardencentregroupie · 12/12/2016 19:32

FT wraparound childcare for two 2 year olds in London would cost around 2.5k a month, maybe more. Could you get a job that would cover that plus allow you to take time off for all the inevitable illnesses that come with grotty toddlers? Your DH sounds lovely and like he respects what you do. Respect yourself like he does.

ChBa · 12/12/2016 19:35

If you dh is ok with you been a sahm then relax and enjoy it....
My son is 8, my daughter is 4 and just started full time. I havent worked since I had my son and I admit at times i did, have done, and still do feel guilty about not bringing any money in, but at the end of the day both me and dh thought it was for the best to have a parent at home all the time with the children.

beyondthegates · 12/12/2016 19:52

Just learn to enjoy the time with your dc. I am in a similar position, I was a single mum on benefits with one ds when I met my DH who is a high earner (but we are also in London so I know how expensive it is!). DH has never expected me to work even though we only have one dc together who is at school now.

I don't feel any sense of guilt, I know I'm contributing to the household with the domestic/organisational side of things, and I deserve to be valued for as an equal member of the household regardless of finances. So many of us have it drilled into us when younger that a person's worth is only what they contribute financially, but it's just a change of mindset, that's all.

MrsBlennerhassett · 12/12/2016 19:54

No of course not! It sounds like your husband loves you and values the work you do at home. Would he not have to pay someone to look after the toddlers if you werent doing it or to do the cleaning if you couldnt do it because of your working hours? either that or he would have to work less himself. So you are bringing in money or rather allowing him to make more money and saving him money on childcare and cleaning.

Original poster
MagicMary1 · 12/12/2016 20:10

It's not the toddlers it's my two eldest boys I feel the guilt about.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicMary1 · 12/12/2016 20:13

Dh is not there dad and he doesn't have to support another mans children.

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 12/12/2016 20:14

But you are saving money by staying at home with the twins. Childcare where I am (which isn't London) is £750 per month for 3 days a week for 1 child. If we had 2 it would be pointless going back to work!
I'm sure your DH would say if he was unhappy about the arrangement

Arfarfanarf · 12/12/2016 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arfarfanarf · 12/12/2016 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

d270r0 · 12/12/2016 20:21

Its fine, he is happy with you being a SAHM, and there is enough money to support that. The toddlers are his too and he probably feels happier that you are able to be with them. Also remember if you went back to work you would have huge childcare costs so may not make much extra anyway, and the toddlers would have to be in full time care.
When the toddlers are in full time school, thats the time you may want to reconsider going back to work a bit, for now, just make the most of it.

Original poster
MagicMary1 · 12/12/2016 20:38

Yh I think this is all me

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 12/12/2016 20:41

Tell him and show him that your appreciate him, that's all you need to do.

icy121 · 12/12/2016 21:02

Get a little part time job when the little ones are at reception? Or get a childminding licence (/whatever it's called) and look after another kid whilst you're at home? Might be fun for the kids to have a little playmate some days and you'd get the benefit of the £0000's cost of childcare?'

icy121 · 12/12/2016 21:08

Crikey just looked it up - you could charge over £70 a day. Maybe more. do that cash in hand and you're flying

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2016 21:23

Not every contribution to a household is financial. You have to get yourself past the notion that only bringing money in counts. You are bringing in time, a far more valuable commodity. Time allows you to provide for your family the same way your husband's financial contribution allows him to provide. Do not undervalue your contribution - your husband doesn't.

SnorkelParka · 12/12/2016 21:33

Your DH sounds like he values the life you have built together - both of you - and family ties are an important part of that. Don't think about guilt - but do think about what you want, and work and financial independence can be part of that for some people. But if you are otherwise happy with things, then it sounds like you have an equal contribution to make.

NiceFalafels · 12/12/2016 21:41

There are lots of ways to contribute. Not just financial. It's very likely you are pivotal to the smooth running of the whole house.

Original poster
MagicMary1 · 13/12/2016 17:26

There are lots of ways to contribute. Not just financial. It's very likely you are pivotal to the smooth running of the whole house.

Yh I agree, but it just feels like dh supporting 7 people is a lot. We are lucky we are in a good financial situation.

OP posts:
user1480946351 · 13/12/2016 17:40

7 people? Who else?

Original poster
MagicMary1 · 13/12/2016 17:49

Dh 3 teens my two boys and 2 younger twins.

OP posts:
jgjgjgjgjg · 13/12/2016 17:56

If you possibly can I'd suggest you try to bring in a little income. Even if it's just a few pounds through surveys, mystery shopping, taking in ironing, babysitting, etc. I think you'll then feel better in yourself even if it makes no discenable difference to your household income.

AllTheBabies · 13/12/2016 18:02

I'm with you op. I know I shouldnt feel guilty because of the cost of childcare etc etc but I still do.

I have two dc (a 6yo and a 11 month old) and am pregnant with number 3 and to be honest I find being a sahm so easy it makes me feel bad. I do work weekends to help a bit but it's peanuts really.

bakingaddict · 13/12/2016 18:17

I don't know what qualifications you have but while your at home with the kids could you look into doing some courses with a view to getting back into the job market when they are at FT school. I'm of the belief that as a woman having no income of my own puts me at a huge disadvantage, i'm not saying that everyone should think like this and if your happy and content as a SAHM then do what is right for you but I like having my own income

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