To think this wasn't funny?

[Coffeerun]

How would you take this?

I was in the car with dh and 8 year old ds.

We were about to get out of the car when all of a sudden dh said "oh my god ds, I've found something horrible".

Then he pulled out the proof copy of ds school photo, and showed it to ds, it was in the driver door shelf and he must have noticed it.

Ds burst into tears and dh said he was only joking.

Ds is getting to an age where he's a tiny bit self conscious, not massively so but a bit.

Dh did half heartedly apologise but is adamant he was joking and ds should take a joke. I know he was joking but totally unnecessary thing to say.

We are a teasing household. But the moment someone finds it unfunny is the moment you stop with the piss-taking and apologise sincerely.

He upset DS, albeit inadvertently. Therefore he needs to say sorry for upsetting him.

Depends on how it was said, but your DS sounds very sensitive to burst into tears over that. From what you describe, it sounds more like your DH said 'oh no, I've found something scary (as in a monster)' rather than suggesting that he had found something ugly. Maybe your DS had been teased about the photo by his classmates. It doesn't sound like a cruel joke to be honest- if he had said something about massive ears/big nose or something, I would think differently.
Anyway, your DH should explain to your DS that it was just teasing. I don't think you should get involved. It's highly likely that your DS will be exposed to teasing from peers over the years and needs to develop some resilience. However, he should also be able to feel safe and free from teasing from his immediate family. Does he have any siblings?

I'm not sure what to think now really.

Ds can take a joke I think, he doesn't regularly burst into tears and me and ds do joke around about all sorts. Just for example yesterday he was in hysterics about his messy hair after removing his hat.

"I also think dh is shit at giving compliments and to be honest it does feel sometimes like he's rarely got anything nice to say."

This leapt out at me.

If your DS is on the end of a lot of negativity, however unwittingly it is delivered, it may feel quite relentless. Which is liable to make a little one a bit oversensitive. Perhaps it's time for you and your DH to reassess what is verbalised in front of him?

Basically his dad said he looked horrible - that's a completely unfunny thing to say to an 8 yr old.

Do adults have to develop resilience if someone came up to them in the street and said 'you look horrible' ? what if someone came on here and said 'my MIL looked at a photo of me and said I looked horrible' ? Everyone would be saying 'what an arsehole' about those people.

I get fed up of suggestions that young kids should be able to put up with nasty comments about their appearance, it's not over sensitive to burst into tears at such a remark.
Rude unfeeling people generally use the whole 'over sensitive' bollocks. Maybe they are 'under sensitive' and don't have a normal level of empathy to see when a remark is appropriate or not.

Surely all of us teach our children that you don't make remarks about people's appearance because it is cruel and hurtful?

You should know your own child and judge the occasion. teasing is OK sometimes, but you should know your own family well enough to know that some things you don't tease about.

The fact that your DP is struggling to apologise and blaming your son for his reaction. indicates that he knows he's been an arse, but isn't man enough to admit it and try to put it right. (And of course it's going to take a lot of reassuring comments from him to wipe out the one stupid remark which is the one that will stick in your DS's mind, So your DH needs to get his finger out and grow the fuck up)

My parents and paternal grandmother always criticised my school photos. My mother always pointed out what a mess I looked. My father always pointed out what a big nose I had (only joking, obviously - why couldn't I take a joke?). My Nana always said "I don't know how you are so ugly. The others are all good-looking". My siblings would latch onto this and join in.

It didn't harden me; it didn't give me a sense of humour. It embarrassed , humiliated and destroyed me, buggering up my self-esteem and ensuring that I had and still have, no self-confidence.

Tell your DH to apologise for being a @rs£.

I get fed up of suggestions that young kids should be able to put up with nasty comments about their appearance, it's not over sensitive to burst into tears at such a remark.
Rude unfeeling people generally use the whole 'over sensitive' bollocks. Maybe they are 'under sensitive' and don't have a normal level of empathy to see when a remark is appropriate or not

I guess it depends how it was said. If it suggested he looked ugly, I can understand the upset. Horrible doesn't have to mean ugly- it can mean scary for example. However, I can also understand the joke-element to it. I don't think I lack empathy at all, probably the opposite. I think that without being there and knowing the background of the relationship between DS and DH, it's impossible to say 'yes, definitely cruel' or 'no, definitely not'. But it sounds different to for example a parent telling their kid that they are fat, ugly or have a big nose for instance.

The best thing is surely for the DH to speak to the DS again and explain that he is sorry, he was only joking and maybe find out why DS was so upset by the comment. It could well be that he just hates that photo.

Sorry, but I think that's funny.

We have done similar to our kids in the past and they laughed. They know we don't mean it and it seems like you are being overly-sensitive as it's quite obviously a joke. If your son bursts into tears at his dad making an obvious joke, I dread to think how he manages at school.

leaf yes we would apologise if it caused upset, but usually know how far to take a joke.

Kids can have off days to though and sometimes feel a bit more emotional.

I think thats horrible. How can anyone think its funny to tell an 8 year old they look horrible! But then I grew up in a family where 'jokes' were made like this all the time, usually at my expense, even now if all the menz are together you can guarantee I'll be taken the mick out of. It's not funny and I've grown up with real self esteem issues.

Your poor DS. Mine would also have been really upset by this as well, but then his dad wouldn't ever say anything like that to him thankfully.

"They know we don't mean it and it seems like you are being overly-sensitive as it's quite obviously a joke"

Ah yes that "you are oversensitive" gem. Heard that before. By twats who can't accept that some people are more sensitive than others and expect them to laugh at their hilarious 'jokes' . FWIW, it's not even obvious that it's a joke. I wouldn't have taken it as such.

I think it can be quite funny actually harry and I'm not a twat.

I know my kids and I know what they find funny.

A joke - obviously. We would certainly do that in our family! You need to teach DS to toughen up a bit. It isn't cruel, it is clear that it is a joke.

My dad used to tease us relentlessly - but it was wonderful we loved it. British humour has long been based on ribbing and teasing. Obviously not humiliation but it wasn't in front of an audience and there was clearly no intent to humiliate - so yeah - for that age fine. - But you know your family best.

From my point of view I don't think ds is generally over sensitive.

Someone said they dread to think how he manages at school, he manages fine, he doesn't regularly burst into tears.

I do have a good laugh with ds but like I said earlier, he does tend to take things at face value. So if we were looking through photos and laughing and joking he'd have a laugh, a random remark out of the blue not so much.

My 8 year old would have laughed at that.