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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this a silly reason to fall out so hugely?

24 replies

mumofthreesmallmen3 · 12/12/2016 06:51

bit of background info, me and my partner have been together ten years and have 3 dc, when we first got together him and his dad were not speaking. After our first dc 7 years ago they made up and we saw each other regularly once a month or so, kids love seeing him and his wife. Shortly before our third was born just over a year ago, they had a row, his dad saying he hadn't made enough effort in contacting his grandma (his dad's mum) she is quite elderly and lives a couple of hours away. I've not met her but she's a lovely lady we talk on the phone sometimes and she writes to me. We've tried to arrange going to see her so she can meet the children but on the day she always cancels, fair enough she may not feel up to it. Ok so he doesn't ring her everyday but once a fortnight or so and I also write back to the letters she sends me. His dad has now cut all contact, now the kids do not get birtjday cards nothing! I think that's really mean especially as they have asked a few times when are we seeing him, my partner text him to say our third dc had arrived weight name etc heard nothing back. Is this a silly reason to fall out so massively and now have nothing to do with your son and grandchildren? I just find it sad that they have lost a grandad who they enjoyed visiting. Other thought is maybe there is more to this than I am told and there was a bigger issue I'm not aware of as I can understand him saying something about he needs to call grandma more but not to completely cut us out as its so unfair to the kids. I think it would of been a nice idea to still send the children a birthday card (not talking about presents) as none of this is there fault and they were close before one of my children has his name as a middle name. Shall we send him a Xmas card to try and settle the peace or leave it?

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 12/12/2016 08:50

Shortly before our third was born just over a year ago, they had a row, his dad saying he hadn't made enough effort in contacting his grandma (his dad's mum) she is quite elderly and lives a couple of hours away. I've not met her but she's a lovely lady we talk on the phone sometimes and she writes to me.

We've tried to arrange going to see her so she can meet the children but on the day she always cancels, fair enough she may not feel up to it. Ok so he doesn't ring her everyday but once a fortnight or so and I also write back to the letters she sends me.

His dad has now cut all contact, now the kids do not get birtjday cards nothing! I think that's really mean especially as they have asked a few times when are we seeing him, my partner text him to say our third dc had arrived weight name etc heard nothing back.

Is this a silly reason to fall out so massively and now have nothing to do with your son and grandchildren? I just find it sad that they have lost a grandad who they enjoyed visiting.

Other thought is maybe there is more to this than I am told and there was a bigger issue I'm not aware of as I can understand him saying something about he needs to call grandma more but not to completely cut us out as its so unfair to the kids.

I think it would of been a nice idea to still send the children a birthday card (not talking about presents) as none of this is there fault and they were close before one of my children has his name as a middle name. Shall we send him a Xmas card to try and settle the peace or leave it?

OK.... My first thought was "Eek" that's a wall of text! So I have broken it up a bit. I know that sounds patronising but it really does make a difference to how many people will stop and read.

Second thought is that your partner needs to go back to simply not talking to his dad. That would leave you to contact his GM in the way she obviously feels more comfortable with, without getting an earful for it.

His dad seems to have control issues. The only way to deal with that it to let go completely. Leave him to it. Your kids will adjust, as all kids do to the loss of grandparents.

Basically, sod him! Enjoy your own family unit and leave him to the stress of his own making!

user1480946351 · 12/12/2016 09:30

Do you want your children to be around people who care so little for them they would cut them off for any reason, let alone such a silly one?
I wouldn't.

BlossomHillOne · 12/12/2016 09:34

So your oldest is 7 years old and there hasn't been one opportunity to meet their Great-Grandmother. That sounds quite sad to me - have you really put in the effort?

StillMaidOfStars · 12/12/2016 09:43

You've not met your partner's grandmother in ten years? And she's never met her great-grandchildren?

Sounds like his Dad has a right to be annoyed, TBH.

HaveNoSocks · 12/12/2016 09:51

On the one hand it sounds strange that you've never met your DH's grandmother, on the other hand it's ridiculous of your FiL to just cut off his own grandchildren. How hypocritical.

RentANDBills · 12/12/2016 09:54

OurBlanche Thank you!

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2016 09:57

On one side, he's got a point, you've been together ten years, your son is seven, you only live a couple of hours away and you've never met her. On the other side totally mean to cut contact with the kids.

I'd play peacemaker, and send a Xmas card.

user1480946351 · 12/12/2016 09:59

It doesn't matter if he thinks he has a point. You don't cut off your grandchildren because they haven't met their great grandmother unless you are a massive dick.

OurBlanche · 12/12/2016 10:02

Mmm! Did nobody else read the part where OP explains that on the day of arranged visits GM calls and cancels?

Not unusual if she doesn't feel up to meeting small kids, or many other reasons.

OP obviously has a good relationship with the woman using the medium the woman prefers, letters and phonecalls.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/12/2016 10:03

He's a dick for cutting out his grandchildren, it's not their fault they haven't seen their great grandmother.

On the other hand you'be been massive dicks and incredibly selfish not to pay at least one visit in all these years. That's ridiculous.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/12/2016 10:06

OurBlanche the op has never met the grandmother - surely she could have made an effort to meet her 10 years ago even before the onset of small dc, when she (grandmother) was probably feeling a lot younger and more spritely. I think her FIL has a point.

user1480946351 · 12/12/2016 10:07

On the other hand you'be been massive dicks and incredibly selfish not to pay at least one visit in all these years. That's ridiculous

Really? They make plans to visit, granny cancels. How is that their fault exactly?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 12/12/2016 10:07

FILL obviously doesn't get the irony!

DeepanKrispanEven · 12/12/2016 10:07

ThroughThick, have you read the bit where OP explains that they've tried to visit the grandmother and she always cancels? How is that incredibly selfish of OP?

OurBlanche · 12/12/2016 10:10

ThroughThick Try reading it again... instead of projecting your idea of what should/could have been more true, in your opinion.

eddielizzard · 12/12/2016 10:28

how ironic

your dp's dad has cut contact because... his mum cancels every visit you try to make...

esp hurtful to ignore the birth of his grandchild all because he doesn't think you're making enough effort to see his mum. pot - kettle.

i think nc is the way to go because really it's all about him isn't it?

MerryMarigold · 12/12/2016 10:28

Ourblanche, I read it all just fine . Was wondering why you'd reposted the whole thing...

Anyway, OP, you sound very nice. I think you need to have a good chat with Dh. Why were they NC before and what happened? Is there anything more to it this time (were hurtful things said on both sides)? If it is literally nothing more than the grandma and dh didn't say anything bad then I think you have to go NC and better for the kids this way to prevent them getting hurt in future.

If there is more to it, and you are both (you and dh) just sweeping it under the carpet and sending texts/ cards, it seems a bit weird. It really needs to be addressed properly and resolved.

OurBlanche · 12/12/2016 10:38

Merry Do you mean you read it all except for the bit where I explained why I had reposted it?

Original poster

mumofthreesmallmen3 · 12/12/2016 11:00

Yes I get they should of met her by now but we have tried hard to arrange she ums and aahs then gives us a date then shortly before or on the day she cancels, she just seems happy to speak on the phone and write, although I would like to meet her.
I just feel like yes his dad could have a moan if he thinks his son should speak more etc but that it went a bit far with not speaking to any of us now including the kids. He could call up now and again to speak to the kids just because he's fallen out with his son, as far as I'm aware we hadn't fallen out so I would of passed phone onto them to speak.
Oh well I just think it's a sad loss as they enjoyed seeing them and sometimes ask when we are going.
We can't force grandma to let us visit, I will try again but some people are more solitary maybe she is happy with what we are doing who knows

OP posts:

MommaGee · 12/12/2016 11:10

Also where does FIL live in relation to you and the Grandmother? Why could he never have offered to bring Granny over to you? Why doesn't he offer to take the kids over if all 5 of you descending is too much?

I'd probably play peacemaker and send a card, but also be wary of getting FIL back in their lives for him go walk away.

Do you still chat on the phone to Grandmother? Could you casually ask how FIL is as the kids really miss him? She might have insight. Depends how fragile she is

MerryMarigold · 12/12/2016 16:14

Ourblanche, I mean I read all the op with no problems. I did read your explanation why but found it a bit patronising to be honest, so I may wanted to let the Op know that her original post was fine and I'm sure this is the post most people have read.

OurBlanche · 12/12/2016 16:19

I said it was patronising. I acknowledged it up front, I was prepared to be called on it. Thank you. I am sure our quibbling has been of use to OP

Huskylover1 · 12/12/2016 16:23

Make the peace you want the inheritance

I'm joking, actually I wouldn't make contact. If your kids grow close to him, he could dump them again, causing huge upset.

He sounds unhinged!

MerryMarigold · 12/12/2016 16:58

It may be if she realises I read her OP with no problem .

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