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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be fed up with people forcing handmade items on you, then charging you for them!

54 replies

dingdongthewitchishere · 11/12/2016 08:31

Angry

A friend/ work colleague/ relative offers you something they make as a hobby, when you are having a relevant conversation or completely randomly. (cake/jam/curtains/ Christmas decoration/ painting because you are organising a party/redecorating/preparing Christmas/talking about shopping). You very nicely decline. They insist, you decline again. A couple of days later, they offer again, and you decline AGAIN, very nicely. A couple of days later, they bring you the damn thing, made specially for you. You grit your teeth, thank them whilst thinking I don't want your crap, and now I have to refund you for the material and buy the same thing somewhere else

Now the killer line: "It's £... for you", quoting at least double the price you would pay in a shop. Angry

AIBU to think they are taking the piss? This is not an isolated incident btw, and whist I would be relatively happy to refund them for their cost even if I didn't want the bloody thing in the first place I am hugely resenting paying a fortune. In theory, I could refuse, in RL, it's difficult when you want to keep a civil relationship with the individual for various reasons.

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 11/12/2016 09:26

No no I hate this on mn, it's always "tell them money is tight", why should you have to plead poverty or bring your finances into it? You said no and no means no, you don't have to mention money and definitely not a private family situation, it's simply 'There seems to have been a misunderstanding, I said no, thanks anyway but i am not interested", these people rely on people like you to make their living, they force their friends into awkward situations and rely on them not being able to say no

Ginslinger · 11/12/2016 09:30

I'm waiting for expat's view on this Grin

I'm sure she'll have some solid, trenchant advice

Serialweightwatcher · 11/12/2016 09:33

You're going to have to be firm - some people are total piss takers and don't care about the other person .... if it's easier say, "No thank you, but I know where you are if I ever change my mind" and keep saying "no" when they persist or just say you've bought everything for now and you're skint

EweAreHere · 11/12/2016 09:33

Just say no thank you and hand it back. No one can make you spend money on things you don't want to spend money on. No one.

And I would complain to HR if someone is doing this at work.

If you feel compelled to give her a reason, tell her you just can't, that you're on a budget and you've agreed to stick to it with your DP.

Original poster
dingdongthewitchishere · 11/12/2016 09:34

I am relieved I am not getting flamed for not asking for the cost before hand. I have been stupid, thank you for all the advice, I will try to avoid this happening again.

I have no problem whatsoever to refuse beauty products from friends selling YourAvon or whatever. Maybe it's easier for me when it's obviously a business, the fake friendliness I am struggling with obviously. It's so hard, I have other lovely neighbours who keep bringing us item from their vegetable gardens, they would be really offended if we refuse, and they don't expect anything in return. It's a pleasure to bring them a gift a couple of times a year as a thank you.

I am starting to doubt everything and wonder if everybody expects payment for every favour, it's turning into such a headache!

OP posts:
ARumWithAView · 11/12/2016 09:34

I have seen this happen! It's reliant on you not breaking the politeness barrier; being really insistent that you don't want something, or refusing to pay, is simple in theory but actually quite difficult when the smiling isn't-this-nice friend or colleague is right there, refusing to take any hints.

I'm not a pushover, but I may have bought an appliqued Union Jack tote bag, a demo CD and some dangly bead earrings in this manner. But not from the same colleague. It's quite useful getting stung like this, in a way, because you know to avoid this person in future. Unless you have some shell-covered lampshades or hand-bound books of poetry you'd like to shift, in which case dump them in their hands and smilingly say that'll be fifty quid. Then you can both avoid each other forever.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 11/12/2016 09:35

Poor you, dingdong, you're only trying to be nice and yet they see you as a marketing opportunity. If they really want to sell their stuff they should open a market stall. All you can do is maybe say that while you appreciate their efforts it isn't really to your personal taste. Some folks don't take no for an answer and this is where your niceness is taken advantage of but then you know that already.

Learning to say no nicely but firmly is a very important skill - and 'no' is a very short but difficult word to use for those of us who were brought up to be 'nice'.

elQuintoConyo · 11/12/2016 09:41

"I said 'no thanks', so you seem to have wasted your time. Got to go, bye."

No 'sorry', no 'didn't I tell you...' because that can be twisted.

Just keep repeating the above. And if it is someone at work, have a word with a superior.

CrazyCavalierLady · 11/12/2016 09:46

Wow. Whenever they start with the hard sell I'd be saying "I've actually seen exactly the item I want / need." If they arrive with their tat item you can then say "oh dear, I did say I'd seen what I wanted and sadly this isn't like it at all. I hope you are able to onsell it" 😊

smartiecake · 11/12/2016 09:54

Oh dear OP, please tell me you didn't pay £150?
You really do need to be more assertive. These people will come back again once you have paid them once. When they start sniffing round you will have to be on your guard and before they start giving you the hard sell just say a very firm 'no thanks I am not interested' and repeat repeat repeat. And if they then present you with said item it's back to 'no thanks I am not interested' until they get the message.

Original poster
dingdongthewitchishere · 11/12/2016 10:08

Well, I will NOT accept something twice from the same person after being robbed, but I should not let it happen with different people either Blush.

I do like the idea of charging them for my kids "art".

OP posts:
liletsthepink · 11/12/2016 10:16

Pp have covered the art of saying no politely.

Could you offer to pay the money owed at £1 a week or £5 a month? 'as finances are a bit tight at the moment and I wasn't expecting it to be quite so much'. I guarantee that she will never ask you again if it takes her several months or years to get the money back in full!

liletsthepink · 11/12/2016 10:18

Of course you could just say 'I don't have £150 to spare and you didn't tell me the cost. I can't pay for this so please take it back'

Original poster
dingdongthewitchishere · 11/12/2016 10:24

liletsthepink of course I could (and probably should). It would just mean people not talking to each other anymore, and starting some kind of village war, in a place where I don't even live myself. It's not ideal. It we were talking about a neighbour of mine in anonymous London, it would be very different.

liletsthepink brilliant idea, that made me laugh!

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 11/12/2016 10:34

which I would have bought for less than £40 online) was ...wait for it...£150

First, YANBU! You do need to tell them/her to piss off, that's ludicrous. You don't ambush people into buying your crap craft goods.

But YABU... and so are all the cheap, hobbyists, who sell their crap craft goods so cheaply. It is entirely possible that £150 is closer to the real cost of the goods. Sadly the flood of cheap stuff has vastly reduced the worth of many hand crafted pieces.

I make and sell art pieces. I used to make a fabric jug, a jam jar cover (often used at weddings, parties) would take me 2 hours to make. The cost of the pieces is fairly minimal, fabric, vilene, threads and beads, sequins, maybe £3.00 in all.

How much to sell them for? Well the trues cost, one that allows me to cover my time and outlay, you know, make a living, would be close to £25 and nobody would pay that. Consequently I no longer make them!

This isn't one of mine, but is the sort of thing I mean!

AIBU to be fed up with people forcing handmade items on you, then charging you for them!
Rachel0Greep · 11/12/2016 10:42

Unless you have some shell-covered lampshades or hand-bound books of poetry you'd like to shift, in which case dump them in their hands and smilingly say that'll be fifty quid. Then you can both avoid each other forever.

Grin I love this!

OP, sounds like you are too nice, and I don't mean that as a criticism. Next time someone produces stuff to you, be on guard, and ready to say no, I don't need it, very clearly. Repeat as necessary.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/12/2016 11:03

It happened to me ONCE. I paid up and was very clear that as it was a unique item, I wouldn't expect to see another one ever again...

It was truly horrible. Shock

Ohdearducks · 11/12/2016 11:09

'Look, I told you repeatedly I wasn't interested so I'm not sure why you've brought this in for me? I don't want it!'
Then walk away, don't wait for a reply just turn around and walk away.

perfectlybroken · 11/12/2016 11:09

I had a similar thing where a friends daughter had made some beaded necklaces. My friend and daughter were trying to sell them 'to make back the money we spent on the materials'. I was somehow guilted into buying about 10 to 'sell on' (I couldn't, they weren't that good), by my friend going on about how she wanted to encourage entrepreneurship etc etc. Once they had left (10 necklaces lighter), I wondered how on earth I had been fooled into paying for her daughters expensive craft activity! I have started to think that a lot of crafts are actually a bit of a waste of money, resulting in twee useless rubbish that no one really wants.

Giselaw · 11/12/2016 11:16

OP, no I have a very vey simple but life changing sentence for you:

Are you giving it away for free?

When they say "no" you reply "no".
If they tell you the price, look shocked and say no way can you afford that.

always ask if they're giving it to you for free and I guarantee it will stop.

BadKnee · 11/12/2016 15:29

Had the same when I worked in an office. I was very young, first office job. Some horrid mirror with shells stuck all round. Colleague/ supervisor shows everyone, everyone coos - "You're so clever" = I say "yes, it is lovely" She says - "You can have it" (It is hiddeous! Truly hiddeous), "No, no really - it's fine thanks....."(You know the rest..) "I usually charge £25 for them but as it's you it's a tenner". I was so embarrassed - I just paid. That was a lot for me. She also sold me some horrible earrings and brooches on safety pins and some plates she's bought from a jumble sale> I only worked there a year. Just as well

amicissimma · 11/12/2016 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadKnee · 11/12/2016 15:42

I think the problem is as others have said it is the politeness barrier. If someone asks if I would like some painted jam jars as storage pots I can say say "no thanks" If when I am talking about needing some storage pots someone says "I have some you might like - I'll bring them in" - and you say "No don't worry thanks" (thinking it is a kind gift), and they bring them in and say "Here I thought these would be perfect for what you wanted. I made them myself - your decor is blue isn't it?" (At your desk, in public) and you say "oh yes they are lovely," and she says "here take ten" and you say "Ok, thanks, that's really kind of you" - and put them in your bag. AND THEN she says "That's £50!"

You know you have been had. Everyone knows you have been had. The shame of unpacking them, handing them back, saying that whilst you would have taken a freebie you are too mean to pay.... well I couldn't do it!!

SoupDragon · 11/12/2016 15:44

quoting at least double the price you would pay in a shop.

This is the only bit I disagree with. Stuff in shops is made in bulk, usually for pennies in some cheap country or other. Hand made stuff is more expensive.

However, they shouldn't be forcing it on you or ignoring your refusal, that's just plain rude.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/12/2016 15:53

Wtf ding I hope you told her to take it back. £150 for tat🤔🤔🤔🤔 she should have said tge price before. Sneaky and rude!