Christmas or not?

[JSlondon]

Earlier in the year my mum died suddenly. My dad has recently moved an ex girlfriend into the house. She offered her condolences to my dad a week or so after I lost my mum, spoke to my dad on the phone frequently and they met up in person a few months ago (she lives overseas). My dad told me that they were going on holiday, which they did, sandwiched either side by a stay in my parents house. Basically, first date was in my parent's home, she has the same name as my mum, their holiday was in a place he'd been to with my mum many times - their honeymoon destination.

My dad doesn't want to share memories or grief about my mum and whilst I understand we all grieve differently, it feels like he's just replaced my mum. My dad told me she would be coming over for another visit and would I meet her. I knew it would be hard, but thought I would. Just before she came over, he casually mentioned she was coming over and moving in for good. The speed of this relationship and the cold, flippant manner in which he told me has set me back hugely to the point where I'm no longer ready to meet her. My dad said he would not spring any surprises on me but would give me warning - he didn't and I feel so angry and hurt with him.

Earlier in the year, I said to my brother that we should make sure we had Christmas as a family. I'm now so anxious about it. My brother wants my support, although he has met this woman. I want to bail as I'm not sure I'll be able to hold it together. What do I do? It will kill me to see her with my babies on Christmas when my heart is breaking my mum isn't there to hold them. I can't pretend my mum didn't exist. I don't want to let my brother down but I'm hanging on by a thread. I always thought we had such a close family but that has fallen down the pan since mum died. Do I risk fracturing family further or risk a breakdown?

This happened to our family too. I'm sorry about your mum

8 years on dad is still happy with his new lady. She's lovely. We've accepted her ( my brother, like you, couldn't at first)

My dad is happy. That's what counts here. He loved my mum and had his time with her. Nobody can take that away. It's the future that counts. It's so hard, I sympathise

It's the speed, the insensitivity with how he told me, the turning away from family etc. I was told she was coming over for a holiday not forever. I want to be able to mention my mum, slip away to get myself together if need be, without making others or me feel uncomfortable. My brother may get it and my partner gets it - nobody else there will get it. My dad has spat all over my grief since mum died. He certainly won't respect my feelings on Christmas as he hasn't any other time since mum died.

Personally I think if you aren't ready to spend Christmas together then don't. You're clearly still grieving over your mum's death. However, please don't burn bridges over this as how you feel now might not be the same as how you feel next year.

Yanbu.
It's a very sad situation, compounded by Christmas which is pressed as "family time ".
I've no experience but I'm sure deep down you want your dad to be happy ??. People cope with grief differently, perhaps he can't bear to be alone? Then he'd have to face his utter sadness.

Castleheights is exactly right. He might have latched onto his ex as she's a familiar face, and is using her to avoid grieving properly for your mum?

He could have had this woman and his family. He has been so insensitive and has spat in the face of our grief that it disgusts me. I'm totally gutted. Being a parent myself, I don't understand comments such as "I'm going to find DD birthday really hard tomorrow without mum there" being met with "I know and now I won't be there either". How "dad, why don't I come and stay for a few days" is met with "I'm a very busy man". I don't understand when I told him I was drowning without a minute to grieve mum (she died when I had a six week old and eighteen month old), he was trying to keep busy doing anything from painting to excessive socialising to sorting out the house - he wanted to keep busy, I was drowning and we'd both suffered a massive loss - couldn't we have helped each other? I don't understand how someone who was a hands on grandfather has not taken any offers of days out with kids, or could go more than a month without seeing them, whilst continually promising to. I don't understand that after almost fifty years of a supposedly happy marriage, great family holidays, kids' births that three weeks with a new woman is hailed as the best three weeks of his life. I don't understand why the first date had to be in my parent's home, why they had to holiday where he and my mum used to go. etc etc

Give yourself some space then look at this again when the pain isn't so fresh. Grief clouds feelings. I was so angry after my gran died (she raised me), but after I got some time things began to get clearer.

If you can't cope with it, just say you're not ready for a family Christmas without your mum this year. Don't bring this new woman in as the reason (even if she is), just say you need space alone this year as it's still so raw and that next year you might feel differently (doesn't matter at the moment if you don't think you will).

Then spend time at home with your partner and DCs, which I suspect will be better for you than going along with a pale imitation of what you had. Make it about your grief rather than about them when you explain, and you won't burn any bridges for the future.

Something similar happened in our family - in this instance the new lady was not known at all before; he met her a few months after he was widowed. It is not as unusual as you might think.

The most important thing here is that you should not allow a rift to develop between you and your Dad. You will need each other as time goes by. You share so many memories. It is hard I know, but we do have to accept that everyone grieves in their own way; and that you and your Dad are approaching this very differently. He is dealing with it by trying to move on, and his rather offhand/abrupt manner is because he knows that you cannot understand the way he is dealing with this. It does not mean he did not love your Mum and is not grieving her loss. We have to allow others to grieve in their own way.

If there is a way you can spend Christmas quietly with your immediate family without hurting his feelings or risking a rift, then I think this is what you should do. If you will find it hard to be with him and his new woman so soon, then you must give yourself that chance to spend the holiday quietly. You can say that to him - that you respect his choice, but that you are feeling too sad to deal with this at the moment.

One problem (and this is a generalisation) is that often men of the age he must be do not show or share emotion very well. I remember my Dad apologising for crying at my Mum's funeral!

I am so sorry for your loss; please do not risk the loss of your Dad too - it will help neither of you. I am not underestimating how hard this is for you, but the long term is important for you and your children. Take care.

Thanks. I've softened towards my dad and feel disloyal now. I do feel resentful for some of his behaviour but suspect that is also caught up in grief. The lack of empathy is difficult and I really don't want to be in a position where I'm indirectly told I can't grieve/life goes on - because then what starts out as a need for ten minutes away descends into much more grief. It's probably safer for my health and more likely everyone will have an overall better Christmas if we do something quiet at home. I just hope the family can understand and respect that.