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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep dating this man?

26 replies

StarryShine89 · 10/12/2016 20:20

Went on a date last week with a nice guy, everything on paper- good job, reliable, no obvious baggage

However although we chatted for hours he's quite shy and I just can't seem to feel a 'spark' and he isn't the greatest kisser :/ however I'm unsure if I should give him another chance.

He's asked me out for lunch tomorrow. Anyone have any experience with mediocre date good relationship? AIBU to be considering declining?

OP posts:

user1471517900 · 10/12/2016 20:22

So you don't fancy him? Seems pretty obvious......

Rainydayspending · 10/12/2016 20:28

No spark? That fire isn't going to start is it?

Ladygrinings0ul · 10/12/2016 20:29

No you are not.. next ! Move on if you didn't feel on the first why go back?

I've had two of these kind of dates this month dating is so hard !

Good luck

Boundaries · 10/12/2016 20:30

There was enough of a spark for you to kiss him....

Ginkypig · 10/12/2016 20:32

You either like him or you don't.

Don't force yourself to go out with someone just because you think you should.

Saying that though my dp is a shy one and due to that it takes a while for him to shine through when around new people.

14 years later and I'm besotted with him.

user1481140239 · 10/12/2016 20:41

Don't do it. Don't lead him on for both your sakes. It won't get any better if you don't fancy him and will just lead to mega awkward situations down the line when he tries to jump your bones.

blueshoes · 10/12/2016 20:59

You should continue to see him. Don't write him off. Sparks are overrated. Feelings can grow but you need to be open to it. It costs you nothing to continue dating him. You are not leading him on. Don't overthink it.

John4703 · 10/12/2016 21:14

Is it bad of me to say I did not kiss my wife until the second date? I don't think there was much of a spark on the first date but there was a fantastic huge fire on the second. (I'm wanting to mark this so I see what
happens)

LotsOfShoes · 10/12/2016 21:26

I'd say one more date because I know there weren't any sparks between me and DH the first time we met... Well, actually, there were sparks for him but I just thought he was shy and a bit of a nerd. Second time I saw him, things went very differently. So if he ticks all the boxes and he's not weird or anything etc, it's just just lack of sparks, maybe see him one more time.

PenguinsandPebbles · 10/12/2016 21:35

I'd give him another shot, it's lunch not a marriage proposal but if it doesn't happen tomorrow then I'd say time to move on.

Must have been a bit of a spark to kiss him

talksensetome · 10/12/2016 21:46

I would give it another go, he will probably be more at ease on a second date.

Bananabread123 · 10/12/2016 21:49

You saw him once and aren't sure... There's no harm in seeing him again... going on a second date is hardly stringing someone along! You should know better after the second date.

c3pu · 10/12/2016 21:54

I quite generous, I give them 3 dates and then make up my mind.

Original poster

StarryShine89 · 10/12/2016 22:31

Thanks all, think I'm just overthinking it.

I've said yes to lunch tomorrow and then I'll make up my mind afterward.

OP posts:

altiara · 10/12/2016 22:57

Have another couple of dates. I gave a friend who got married to her 'first date no spark'. Was really confusing when i heard about date 1 and assumed it was over and the next thing I know they're all loved up and wanting to move in with each other!

DisappointingBanana · 10/12/2016 23:07

I knew DH for a year before we went out. No interest whatsoever. Then went out a few times, had fun but felt little. Then once we were in his car singing along tosome crap song on a tape and wham! I suddenly realised there was somrhing there and it was pretty big. 26 years later it still is.
Instant sparks burn out pretty quickly, in my opinion.
See him again!

alphabook · 10/12/2016 23:19

My first date with DH was fairly mediocre. I think he was nervous as he didn't have much experience with girls (I ended up being his first proper girlfriend). 7 years later we are incredibly happy, he is my best friend and makes me laugh so much, and I fancy the pants off him! Don't write him off yet.

HeddaGarbled · 10/12/2016 23:22

Do you like him? Do you find him attractive or totally unattractive?

We are all fed this myth of instant romance by films and books etc but love can be a slow burner. The spark can be misleading and lead a lot of women into very very bad relationships with men they are sexually attracted to but who are seriously bad partners.

But if you don't find him in any way physically attractive, it's probably a non-starter.

When I met my H, I wouldn't say there was a spark exactly, but I liked him, he made me laugh and I didn't find him unattractive. We've been married nearly 30 years now.

alphabook · 10/12/2016 23:23

I think if there is enough "there" for you to have chatted for hours and kissed then there is at least some potential. Sometimes people need time to get over the initial nerves and show their true personality.

Sedona123 · 10/12/2016 23:32

All that HeddaGarbled said, except that I've been married to my DH for 9 years now.

IMO there are so many women out there who believe in 'the spark', so dismiss potential boyfriends way too quickly, and end up still single into their late 30's/haven't had a proper relationship in years.

As others have said, you should at least try two or three dates before making up your mind.

Notmyweek2 · 10/12/2016 23:35

When I met my ex, I felt absolutely naff all for him, this went on for around 5 meets, thought he was unattractive & generally not for me.

8 months later (I don't usually move so bloody fast!) I am 5 months pregnant with his baby....ended up falling for him pretty hard! Okay okay he's an ex now (showed his true colours) however it started without anything at all, time grows.

Original poster

StarryShine89 · 10/12/2016 23:36

I definitely don't find him unattractive, I think it's just the fact that he's very shy that is putting me off a bit. As others have said he might just need a bit of time to come out of his shell!

OP posts:

Velvetdarkness · 10/12/2016 23:38

My oh is very shy till he knows you then he's very outgoing. We were friends 11years before realising we loved each other! Give it another date at least to see how it develops.

horseygeorgie1 · 10/12/2016 23:59

Friends with my DP for 3 years and didn't fancy him one bit. We've been together for 6 months now and I love him to bits and fancy the pants off him! I think I have been in love with him for at least a year bit didn't want to admit it to myself. I'd give it another try and keep an open mind! I wouldn't swap mine for anything/

Stayingcalminpublic · 11/12/2016 00:21

Agree with PP.

Glad you are giving him another chance - see if you feel differently after lunch.

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