My brother and his wife have two children. One is severely disabled with a Learning Disability and the other is a baby. Neither my Brother ofrhis wife work. His Wife is an abusive, lazy bully who does nothing day in day out while ordering my Brother about. My Brother and his family are both known to Social Services and their Social Worker has warned his Wife that the way she speaks to my Brother is cruel and that she needs to help him care for their Son. My Brother is regularly shouted at, belittled and bullied by his Wife but he doesn’t want to be on his own and doesn’t seem to have the strength to leave.
She has always said she cannot deal with her Son and my Brother ‘needs to do it all’. So my Brother is effectively a Single parent. He has to take his Son to school each day and then have him out the house until 6pm as his Wife doesn’t want to have him in the house at all as he affects her mental health.
My Brother then takes his Son to my Parents every Sunday from early morning to evening. My Parents let my Brother rest while they take over.
The problem is my Nephew’s behaviour is unbelievably difficult. He bites, kicks, screams. He has been expelled from every school he’s been at. He is not allowed in the playground in his current school and must be with two adults at all times. My parents are both elderly and can barely cope. They are exhausted, stressed, depressed and dreading every Sunday that he comes over. He’s damaged most things in their house and, as they both are very involved in voluntary work, they have no free time. They don’t get paid. They accept my Nephew coming over as they are Religious and believe it would be wrong not to help my Brother. But they complain every day on the phone to me saying they can barely cope and wish my Brother’s wife would help more.
My Brother’s other Son is only a baby and already has bite marks and bruises as he is regularly injured by his Brother. I am a Social Worker myself and decided enough was enough a year ago and made a referral to Social Services. Nothing has been done as no official respite carer can cope with him. How Social Services can let my Brother even be my Nephew’s main carer I do not know as they are not providing suitable care but no one else can and the Social Worker has said he’s too young for Residential care and too challenging for any foster carer.
I just don’t feel it’s my Parent’s job to have my Nephew every single Sunday when they are elderly and his behaviour is so incredibly challenging that it is causing them physical and emotional harm. My Parents have both been injured by him and look so stressed they actually look ill.
I take my nephew some Sunday’s to a local group which is great. But my Brother expects my Parents to have his Son all day so even though I’ve taken him out for several house he still is at my Parents for several hours each Sunday and the group isn’t on every week. I live several hours away so can’t always help even though I do what I can.
I am pursuing more support from Social Services but as my Brother and his Wife are both at home they do not get given much support as Social Services feel they could organise themselves better and give each other repeat. But they know my Brother’s wife does nothing so while I agree with them, it doesn’t help my Brother.
Obviously my Brother’s life is very hard. He has Aspergers and struggles socially and doesn’t seem to understand his Son and with his Wife choosing to be distant in her Son’s life (she leaves to visit friends abroad regularly for a break) my Nephew is a disturbed and challenging boy. But this is not my Parents problem. They should not feel they need to have my Nephew every single Sunday all day for 10 hours at a time. They should help, but having sole care of him one full day every single week is just too much for them at their age and needs too be stopped. If they liked doing it then fair enough, but they hate it and only do it as they are religious and fear they are committing a sin if they don’t.
Social services are being lazy as my parents are going their job for them and providing respite when really, professional support needs to be put in place. But that costs money and it’s all budgets in Social Services now. AIBU to think my parents really shouldn’t feel obliged to provide respite and should stop providing it? It’s not helping anyway,.