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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Financially abusive?!

23 replies

Msqueen33 · 10/12/2016 19:18

My dh is the breadwinner. His salary goes into our joint account. He also has an isa and he has a pension. I stopped work after our second child (we have three). Due to DC having autism. Our youngest also has autism and there isn't the flexibility to work due to childcare.

Anyway my dh tends to make a lot of the financial choices as he feels he's better at it. Our benefits for the kids go into my account and up until recently he'd move it around and it would end up in his isa. I've seen locked the account. I've said I'm happy to move it with him but not into an account in his name and not to give him my details. He's hacked off about this. He's happy to trust me spends wise and never complains. I'm just wary that should we ever split up he's got everything finance wise. I'm joint on the house so no worries there.

Am I in the wrong not giving him free access to my account? I'm happy for him to see it but I don't like him moving money where he sees fit especially as i would like to keep the kids benefit money separate.

OP posts:

Candlelight123 · 10/12/2016 19:21

If he has free access to your accounts and takes money from there and puts into on isa in his sole name that's very unfair. It would only be fair if you had equal access to the money and all savings were in joint names.

WellErrr · 10/12/2016 19:23

Can you move his money around into your savings if you fancy it? Would you even do that?

Therein lies your answer.

HaveNoSocks · 10/12/2016 19:24

I don't think there's enough information there for us to claim that he's financially abusive (not saying he isn't, just that it isn't clear from your post). OTOH I don't think you're being unreasonable to want the child benefit money in an account you have access to. Is he open about where this money goes and what your current savings are? Personally I'd want to be kept aware of our financial decisions even if I didn't want to actually make the decisions myself.

Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 19:24

So he genuinely thinks he should have an account that you don't get access to, but you should give him access to your accounts?

Original poster

Msqueen33 · 10/12/2016 19:26

Sorry I meant was I financially abusive. Which he's saying I am.

I can't do anything with the isa as it's in his name only and any spare money we have goes into that. Also he sacrifices money to go into his work pension. I could move money from the joint into my isa.

He keeps a running total of cash on a spreadsheet I can access.

He's mostly just very cross that he can't access my private account. I've said I'm happy to move money with him so he knows where it is going but I don't want him having free rein to put it into his account.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/12/2016 19:27

Why don't you have an ISA too - that would be most tax efficient...

SheldonsSpot · 10/12/2016 19:28

It's nice that he's happy to move money around, he'll be happy to move half of the money in his ISA into another ISA just in your name then, won't he?

If he isn't, then you've got massive problems!

Itrynotto · 10/12/2016 19:29

Surely any 'left over' money should be divided into two and split equally into each of your own accounts.

Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 19:30

Doesn't sound to me like you are financially abusive. Why are all your joint savings in his name only?

ElspethFlashman · 10/12/2016 19:31

Allowing your spouse to have access to your personal current account is NOT normal.

It is normal to have a joint account for savings and bills. But it's also customary to both have private accounts that only the account holder accesses, for private spends.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 10/12/2016 19:31

No you are not. Similar ish situation here - actually H insisted on all joint accounts when we got married. Now that things have gone completely wrong (OW etc), first thing I did was open individual accounts and move half the cash into there. If you ever split, you could end up with zero cash assets and be in a very tough place with the children if you aren't able to get a job right away. It all has to be disclosed, but that won't help you if he decides to be an ass and cut you off in the meantime.

Phillipa12 · 10/12/2016 19:33

The dcs benefit money should not be being moved into an account that you cannot access and he should not be moving money from your account into an account that you cant access either!

HairyScaryMonster · 10/12/2016 19:38

Why don't you get the money paid into an isa in your name until it's even?

harderandharder2breathe · 10/12/2016 19:41

Why does he think you're being abusive? You're not the one squirrelling away joint money into your sole name

Nicknameofawesome · 10/12/2016 19:42

It's fine to have separate accounts. What's not fine is him taking money from your account putting it in an account you can't access then moaning when you stop his access to yours.

To me you either have everything joint or you have your own separate accounts and then each transfer a %age of your money into a joint account for
Bills which leaves you with equal amounts of spends.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 10/12/2016 19:54

you can have an isa in your name and a stakeholder pension. So any surplus family funds can go into those. I am assuming you spend the child benefit anyway.

Original poster

Msqueen33 · 10/12/2016 19:56

My biggest concern is if he leaves. I won't be able to work I know that unless I could find something for a few hours in the morning. When my youngest goes to school likelihood is very reduced hours due to her disability.

My biggest issue that the main bulk of our money sits in his name. And should anything go wrong I'll have nothing.

He has said he only wants to see my account so he can know what money we have but also to put some into my isa. I've said I'll move it myself. I won't be letting him see anything until he moves half the savings into my name. I feel stupid as he does do a lot of the financial stuff mainly as it's his field but he'd say I don't know enough.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 10/12/2016 20:14

How much of a financial expert do you need to be to run your own current account, or to have an ISA in your own name? Hint: You don't.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 10/12/2016 20:41

He's bullshitting you - HE is the potentially abusive one if he's the only one with access to your savings. This really is not normal.

You need to insist on a joint savings account as a priority.

Oldbutstillgotit · 10/12/2016 20:48

If your children have disabilities I assume you receive DLA? And I assume you are the Appointee for the DC ? If so the money is paid to YOU so that YOU can spend on your DC , it is not to boost DH's ISA !

DailyFail1 · 11/12/2016 00:49

The money belongs to your DC not your husband or to you, and if I worked at the bank and noticed this I would file an unsual activity report which generally triggers a further investigation/account closure. Money should go into an account in your DCs name for which the parents are appointees.

AppleMagic · 11/12/2016 01:04

You don't even need to open an ISA unless you are saving a huge amount. (As a basic rate taxpayer) you don't pay any tax on interest up to £1000 a year. You'd get a better rate on a regular savings account than an ISA atm. There is no financial benefit to having the money in your dh's ISA, the only reason is control.

AppleMagic · 11/12/2016 01:11

In fact as a SAHP I insist on having the majority of savings on my name. It's my insurance. If I were to empty our accounts and flee the country, DH would only be temporarily inconvenienced as he could cover all living costs out of his ongoing salary. If he made of with all our savings and disappeared I would be stuffed financially. I like to think that it's very unlikely to happen but both dh and I have family members who have done exactly that.

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