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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you make of this?

25 replies

HotCheesePiece · 09/12/2016 17:16

DP and I have recently moved in together. There's a general "dumping ground" side table where we leave keys, change, lighters, cigarettes.

Yesterday I had no cigarettes and took a couple from DP's pack when I was leaving the house to last me till I could get to a shop later (long morning commute, no time to stop on the way).

Absent mindedly, I accidentally lifted the pack along with my keys on the way out the door and didn't realise until I received a text from DP asking if I'd seen them. I apologised and explained but he was clearly a bit annoyed though he made light of it at the time.

When he got home he claimed he hadn't had a cigarette all day, which I challenged him about as usually he would make it to one of the several shops he passes on his way to work. He still said he hadn't had any cigarettes all day.

I checked his pocket and there was a pack in there with several missing, so he was lying about not having any. I haven't really spoken to him since last night and i'm not sure whether to let this go or to bring it up again. He is not usually a liar, even major issues he is able to be honest with me so im not sure why he lied here?

It crossed my mind that this may even be gaslighting?

What do you think? AIBU to worry about this?

OP posts:

AmeliaJack · 09/12/2016 17:18

Don't ask us ask him! Why haven't you asked him already?

Good relationships work by communication.

NavyandWhite · 09/12/2016 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HotCheesePiece · 09/12/2016 17:20

Because he went out last night and i was asleep when he got back and I haven't seen him today.

OP posts:

AmeliaJack · 09/12/2016 17:22

Well ask him when he gets home then.

Why did your mind jump to "gas lighting" rather than. "Forgot he has another packet in his pocket"

Imnotaslimjim · 09/12/2016 17:22

It's not gaslighting, he just wants to make you feel bad for taking his cigarettes. I would raise it with him though. Offer to replace the ones you've had and ask why he wanted you to feel guilty for him having to do without when he evidently didn't!

MoreThanUs · 09/12/2016 17:23

I couldn't be arsed with this sort of thing.

Snowflakes1122 · 09/12/2016 17:26

He's trying to make You feel bad I guess. Childish of him though.

Original poster

HotCheesePiece · 09/12/2016 17:26

Because I've been gaslighted in the past through two very emotionally abusive relationships and suffer from anxiety because of it.

I don't know why he wants to make me feel guilty when he didn't go without. It was just an accident, I said sorry and I didn't smoke any of his cigarettes- I returned them when I got home.

OP posts:

Original poster

HotCheesePiece · 09/12/2016 17:28

He can be a bit childish, but usually in a good way. We've never really argued about anything because he's usually so upfront and we're able to just discuss things honestly. If he was that annoyed that he wanted to guilt trip me, it seems out of character for him to go about it by being dishonest.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 09/12/2016 17:31

I don't know that it's gas lighting exactly, I'd say it was more passive aggressive. He's basically guilt tripping you because he's pissed off you took his fags and left him without. Tbf it would piss me off if you did that to me too but he should have the guts to just say that rather than trying to make you feel bad by making you think he had to go without. In short you're both in the wrong, you for taking his fags and him for not being upfront that it pissed him off and lying to make you feel bad.

I would front him about it. Just say you're really sorry you took them and left him without but that you know he bought some more and he didn't need to lie to make you feel bad because you already did feel bad.

It's exactly the sort of thing my DH does tbh but I don't let him get away with it. I always let him know I know what he's doing and point out that he can just tell me I've annoyed him rather than being PA about it. It works to some extent because he does it a lot less these days but we've been together 15 years so it's taken a while!

DearMrDilkington · 09/12/2016 17:32

You sure he didn't get those on the way back from work? So technically he did go all working day without a fag but got some on the way home?

He sounds awfully petty either way though.

Soubriquet · 09/12/2016 17:32

Gas lighting is one of those words that keeps being thrown around lately

You obviously need to ask him what's going on

RebelRogue · 09/12/2016 17:41

Sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you and make you feel really bad so you don't do it again. Which is very immature and manipulative. I guess it would be possible he got them on the way home,but ofc you need to talk to him to get to the bottom of this.

P.s. If i woke up and had no fags because OH took them I'd be seriously pissed off.

ThePeoplesChamp · 09/12/2016 17:51

I dont smoke. But... if I woke up and DH had sauntered out the door with the last of the coffee in a travel cup as 'one for the drive in' I'd be pissed off and want him to know he'd inconvenienced me.

I dont think its fair to cry gaslighting. Perhaps he's not buying the 'took the whole pack absent mindedly' line and is thinking don't be so selfish in taking the whole pack?... which is also quite possibly why the fags are in his pocket and not on the "dumping ground" anymore.

Yummyyummybuscuits · 09/12/2016 18:03

I don't understand why so many couples on here don't Share. You live in the same house. You both smoke. Why can't you take a cigarette. We share everything In this house. I even have a habit of using dh's jumpers etc and he doesn't bat an eye lid. He uses my hair brush etc. Etc.... I thought it would be normal to share. But so.many posts on here show everything is separated. His and mine or hers and mine. Even down to money or bread? What's the point in sharing a home or marriage with someone if you can't even share a packet of cigarettes without someone acting like a toddler saying it's mine

Boundaries · 09/12/2016 18:06

There must be a joke in there with the gas lighting and the cigarettes...

Why don't you just ask him OP?

Soubriquet · 09/12/2016 18:08

Yes that's a good comparison yummy

If my Dh took the last of the milk to make a cup of tea on his way out to work I wouldn't be happy

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2016 18:08

I really don't understand this thread, you say he's normally upfront, you say you know what gaslighting is because someone else did it, you know it's perfectly reasonable explanation he could have had a packet in his jacket and just forgot, but yet you immediately jump to " is he gas lighting me" .

Sorry, I think that's a bit strange. Just ask him when you see him. not everything is a sign of abuse.

HaveNoSocks · 09/12/2016 18:11

Sounds like he's being a mardy bum and trying to make you feel bad. Seems a bit petty of him as it was an accident and you apologised. It'd probably bother me so I'd just ask him about it but not be overly aggressive.

TheNaze73 · 09/12/2016 18:15

Why is everyone so quick to label things? This isn't gaslighting, this is him having the hump because you are a thief

RebelRogue · 09/12/2016 18:24

Yummy it's not about sharing,it's about taking the last of something,or a whole pack of something leaving your OH without. I share everything with OH,including fags,but I'd never smoke his last one or take his pack.

Yummyyummybuscuits · 09/12/2016 18:29

I get that... but the question is who gets the last one...?

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 09/12/2016 18:30

Ha slighting seems to be word of the month on MN! This scenario is not gaslighting - he's not trying to convince you you're going gaga, he's having a childish strop because you took his fags, and is being matyrish about it....

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 09/12/2016 18:32

Ha slighting? . Gaslighting even! (which is what my auto correct is doing to me)

Original poster

HotCheesePiece · 09/12/2016 23:14

I'm hardly a thief Naze I lifted the pack accidentally along with my keys when I was heading out of the door, I was in a hurry and I'm used to lifting my own pack off the same table when I leave the house.
When my mistake was pointed out to me I apologised and kept them for him. If I was thieving I'd have denied all knowledge and smoked them, wouldn't I? I've explained this to him, and apologised more than once so I do think it's really poor of him to punish me with a guilt tripping lie, especially when he knows I felt bad about it already anyway.

To answer another couple of points; I know he didn't buy on the way home because I picked him up from work which is when he mentioned he hadn't had a cigarette all day.

We do generally share cigarettes, and everything else. I know he wouldn't have minded me taking a couple for the road and i understand him being pissed off initially but it genuinely was an accident which I've apologised for and it turns out he didn't go without all day because of me which he was making out he did.

You are right though, it isn't gaslighting but it is manipulative.

OP posts:

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