To ask if you are two families coming together

[BrightonBelleCat]

How do you tackle different parenting styles? I moved in recently with my dp and his child, I have my own dc. I'm quite strict but after a long time of being by myself with the dc have learnt to pick my battles. Things like messy rooms doesn't bother me however I'm very hot on things like rudeness, manners and arguing between my dc.

Dp however hates mess but I don't like the way his dc speak to him. I find them quite rude at times. Likewise I'm sure my kids annoy him.

If you have bought two families together how have you handled your differences in parenting styles. I don't want this to turn into an issue.

It's one reason I've not moved a man in since the divorce. It washard enough when married and sharing our own children we had together to agree. With someone who hasn't even known the children from birth it must be very difficult.

I hate mess (there is none here now at all - now my daughter has gone - grown up) and I very much let the children decide things themselves (they are teenagers). So I sound more like your partner. Neither way is wrong or right but it's hard to meld families. I have had boyfriends (not living in and not often staying over) who have had totally different views.

I think one solution would be that each person just is a parent to their own child (and probably your partner's child is only with you part time -but I may be wrong - that shorter time makes it easier). so never tell the child off of the other, never give a look or draw a breath, don't tell each other 's children off etc etc.

My children just about never shout or swear and I suspect that's because our house is utterly calm and they never hear me shouting or swearing or losing my temper. I don't control what time they go to bed or some home or access the internet or eat etc etc but they just fall in with a reasonable pattern. Other parents have things like rules and punishments and all that which I have never had ever. So perhaps just realise it is perfectly possible to do things differently but both be right.

I suppose you might want some fundamental rules - like no one hits each otehr if the children are bigger than toddlers.

Loads of families make it work so just because I' feel the best present I've given my children over 10 years is NOT moving a man in doesn't mean I am right. Lots of blended families work fine.

Thanks for your advice. He shares custody so has one child living with us permanently. But obviously they all go off at various times to their other parents. It's very rare that there isn't at least one of the kids in the house at any one time.

Hmm I'm not sure that separate rules for separate families would work? Sounds like a recipe for resentment to me.

DP and I have held off moving in for this exact reason. I'm stricter and generally less tolerant of mess etc. As he is 50/50 with his DCs I think he gets less stressed and enjoys his time with them, preferring to avoid arguments etc and allowing them to do what they like most of the time.

I don't know how that would work out if we shared a house, but I do know that I wouldn't move in together without first agreeing on some rules/boundaries etc and discussing the 'what ifs' - I think some couples counselling in preparation for the changes to come would be helpful, or at least invest in a couple of books on the subject. I've seen one called Step-Coupling recommended on here, but haven't read it myself.

I think the main thing is that your relationship has to be strong enough to withstand the inevitable issues that arise, so that means taking time for each other and not undermining each other in front of the DCs. Presenting a united front at all times seems to be crucial!

Good luck Brighton! If the step-parenting boards are anything to go by, you'll need it