to expect my mum to respect what ds wants to do for his own birthday?

[nearlyfourbob]

Ds told my mum what he wanted to do, who he wanted to invite and what he wanted to eat. I had already agreed to all the things he told her about, and deflected the impossible, difficult or unreasonable requests.

My mum then suggests other things that bear no relation to what he has just said, most of them involving dragging 5 children, two of whom have never met her or my dad all around town for no real reason whatsoever.

A large part of my agreeing to what ds suggested was that it was at a place that was free to enter for adults and we would just pay for the train rides for the children. Then if the mums of the four guests wished to attend with their 4 year olds they wouldn't be out of pocket. if they want a couple of hours off, we will pop the kid in the people carrier and drop them home a couple of hours later.

My mum was surprised that I would invite the parents (and I think suffering from social anxiety about- shock horror- having to maybe talk to somebody), completely neglecting the fact that I wouldn't send ds unaccompanied to a party.

So am I unreasonable to expect her to just say (even if it's a lie) "that sounds lovely dear, I will have a great time".

You are not unreasonable - ask yourself this question is it your DS or her DS ?

If she wants to do something differnt for your DS birthday then she can do it on her own .

Perhaps she wnats to feel more involved .. in that case get her to do something like buy & choose birthday invites etc make a cake ?

No you're not being at all unreasonable. Are you very close to your mum? As you've already agreed the arrangements with your son it seems quite inconsiderate of her to suggest hanging them. Although my mum curently attends all her grandkids' birthday parties the eldest is 3 and I imagine she'll stop being as involved with the party as they get older.

My ds isn't even 1 yet, but I'm planning to just have a family thing this year and then keep that tradition as he gets older - a party or activity for his friends(which cousins of a similar age will be invited to) and a family birthday tea. Maybe a similar compromise could work for you - emphasise that this way she'll get more time with your son, or even ask her to host the family thing or get the cake or something.

Whoops - changing the arrangements - not hanging them!!!

She arrives in NZ the day before his birthday. The trip isn't until a few days later however and she will be helping with the cake - well hovering over me fretting while I do it.

I don't know why I'm surprised - I guess because it's usually my ideas that she is the harbinger of doom about. I thought since the sun shone out of ds's bum he would be okay.

She is just a very negative person and it's a wonder I ever mananaged to do anything with my life.

But to be fair to her - she is coming thousands of miles to watch 5 kids run around and probably have tantrums. She will get him all to herself on his actual birthday - to such an extent I will probably be posting along the lines of;

"dh is jealous of Mum - what to do?"

Aah - I'd forgotten you were in NZ. Could you get round it by telling her your arrangements are staying put but asking her if she wants to do something special with just ds on his his actual birthday (which would also give you a bit of time off - from ds and from her!)

X-posted!

Just found out that with the party the adults can ride with the children all afternoon long and it doesn't cost any extra. So presumably my mum will now consider it an excellent idea for as many parents as possible to attend.