to have wanted to be invited to lunch.

[AnnaMagdalene]

I live about 2 hours drive from my 90 year old mother, who lives in a small flat.

My older brother and his wife have recently moved to a large house 3 or 4 miles from her, so we (husband, me, daughter when she's not at university) now can visit both households when we go to that part of the world. Or just visit one - but then the other relation/relatives have the option of coming over.

The last two times we've gone to my mother's and my brother has come round. The normal pattern at my mother's is that husband, daughter and I would arrive around lunchtime and leave in the late afternoon. We've gradually shortened the visits as my mother is getting more frail and tired - we used to stay till early evening, but it seems she simply can't sustain things any more though she's struggling to still be a good host.

So it seems as if going to my brother's at least some of the time spares her from having to keep going for hours.

This time I rang my brother and said if he and his wife were free, we'd like to come over to them first then go over to visit my mother. I named the day we'd had in mind - just after New Year. (This is the normal post-Christmas visit. I won't be seeing either of them before that.)

There was a pause, then he said. 'So you'd come in the afternoon then.'

I said lunchtime would work better for us, but we'd be happy to bring food. That they would not be put to undue trouble - particularly after Xmas when they might feel they'd done quite a bit of cooking or entertaining.

He said he would ask his wife.

We chatted a bit more, and at the end of the call he said he'd get back to me.

But I suppose it left me feeling a bit as if he wasn't that keen on seeing me/us.

I think my mother despite her age , always wants to feed people when they come. I am the same.

But my brother, who isn't currently employed so doesn't have the knackeredness that goes with juggling work and family,, doesn't seem to feel quite the same way. As a person generally I find him polite and friendly on the surace,, but not very warm underneath.

Would others have the same assumption that a meal would normally be offered to family members who'd done a bit of travelling? Or not...

Families vary widely and I suspect mine is quite a complicated one.

So I'm not asking about what is 'right'. More just getting an idea of the range of things that different members of different families might expect...

He isn't currently employed- could he be worried about the cost of feeding you all? I have been in this difficult situation before and it's very hard.

Also, maybe he doesn't want to get into the habit of feeding you every time you come down iykwim. Maybe he feels that he would be taken for granted. Do you cook for him and his family sometimes?

He's moving towards the end of his career and is currently in between well paid contracts. He and his wife sold a property in London before they moved near my mother. They are a childless couple who have bought a five bedroom house with a designer kitchen in a rather upmarket suburb. So it's not lack of money.

I've deliberately gone to my mother's on the last two visits, so he didn't feel that he was stuck in the role of always having to be host.

And yes, I've invariably fed him and his wife lunch or supper or whatever, when they've come to see me.

I've been in the position where it was almost impossible to feed myself yet been too embarrassed to say no to guests and then gone hungry for a day or two after...maybe that's the situation here?

Oh sorry your reply didn't show up before! Do you get on with his wife?

Maybe you could offer to take them out for lunch? I can see why you're annoyed but it may feel to them as if you've invited yourselves, and even offering to bring your own food implies a level of familiarity with the home/kitchen that they may not be comfortable with.

I think I get on with her. I suspect she is somebody who has quite high standards for entertaining. Table having to be beautifully laid. Lots of different food on offer - rather than any old bits and pieces. So she probably doesn't want to feed people that often. And I think my sister-in-law may be quite stressed about things. So possibly my brother is trying not to create any situations which might stress her out. But when not stressed she is very warm and friendly - if that makes sense..

Perhaps you could offer to take them all out for lunch. I know you've done the traveling but I think continually rocking up at lunch time and expecting to be entertained might stay to grate with some people.

I don't know if I'd expect to be fed - it's only two hours. I'd expect to need to eat, but not necessarily with the people that we were visiting.

We used to travel 3.5 hours to DP's parents and eat either just as we arrived - we'd get here, go grab food, then go to theirs once we'd eaten; or we'd eat before we left. Every once in a while they'd ask us to stay for lunch.

If your brother doesn't like hosting people for food, I suppose offering to pay doesn't make a big difference (unless his dislike is based on cost).

Would they visit you, if you didn't visit them?

I think the only options are to plan to sort yourself out before/after seeing them; or offer to take them out for lunch and see if they fancy it. I wouldn't do it expecting them to return the favour though, I'll hazard a guess that they won't.

I think the last time they fed us/we rocked up for lunch was a year back - so I wouldn't say we were habitual offenders. I think if it's not convenient, obviously we'll make some other arrangement. Our own finances are a bit stretched so am not sure we'd go down the route of suggesting lunch out - though that's a possibility for the future.