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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH forcing DSs to watch sports with him?

42 replies

plasmina · 08/12/2016 19:47

Who is BU? My DH expects our two DS to spend a few hours every weekend at home watching a particular popular and common sport. Unfortunately neither of them (12 and 14) enjoys this as neither have ever played on a team (one of them has no depth perception and is slow/awkward, the other one has SEN and cannot do team sports, at least not outside of just messing about). They are not allowed to do anything else during said sports time on the box except play their ipads, which they do out of complete boredom. DH gets upset when they are not paying attention to the game. I have suggested we could play cards or a board game during said television time (in front of the television) but that suggestion was shot down as apparently you 'need to focus' on watching the game. Both boys hate this, would rather play their computers, but could be happy playing card games as a family activity. I think the whole thing is stupid and I don't know what point my DH is trying to make with this. (What do I do during this time? nothing really but am considering taking myself to the cinema). I have nothing against people who enjoy watching sports but I don't think you can force people to enjoy something. If I say anything DH gets angry. Who is BU?

OP posts:

FeckinCrutches · 08/12/2016 20:37

Ok. Your husband is forcing your children to do something every week that they don't enjoy for two hours, and has been for years.

What happens when you or the children challenge him on this? I'm assuming there has been times when you can't do it?

Original poster

plasmina · 08/12/2016 20:39

special - I know you are being supportive. Believe me I know what abuse is, I lived it growing up. Probably why I married a sort of domineering guy and put up with things to the point where I am afraid to rock the boat as I can't take any more drama. I don't think this is abuse per se, but something that is stupid.

OP posts:

Blossomdeary · 08/12/2016 20:42

So you are colluding with your OH to amuse the children whilst they are under enforced imprisonment in front of the TV? - why don't you just say no? He knows they don't enjoy it - he's being cruel - tell him he's a prat and put your foot down.

Blossomdeary · 08/12/2016 20:43

You have a duty to defend your children from this man, even if you are prepared to knuckle under yourself. What sort of fathers will they turn out to be with this kind of example?

FeckinCrutches · 08/12/2016 20:44

Well it really is abuse OP
Forcing someone to do what they don't want to? Every week? For years?

Maybe not the kind or type you grew up with but still abuse.

Original poster

plasmina · 08/12/2016 20:45

DH is a good dad generally. He does spend fun time with them taking them out etc. He has this fixation on this sport. Ok, it's not football. Here's where I out myself if he ever read this (which I doubt). It's actually ice hockey, we live in Canada now. My DH is from the UK and we spent some amount of time living somewhere with UK expats so I got to know about mumsnet. So it's every Saturday night from October to May! DH doesn't even play it, he plays indoor football. I don't know if I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Just that this is what gets to happen every Saturday night. If I say anything I am undermining him.

OP posts:

NapQueen · 08/12/2016 20:45

Can't the kids just get up and go to their room or go out with friends? Can you not take them off and do something in another room?

Original poster

plasmina · 08/12/2016 20:48

napqueen - he told them they go straight to bed if they don't watch it (they are night games). I don't know if he is trying to make them learn about something so they can talk sport to their peers? But none of their friends are into either!

OP posts:

MarriedinMaui · 08/12/2016 20:50

Could you encourage him to take them to an occasional live match instead? I've never had any interest in watching sport on tv but I loved going to a live match with my dad. It's much more fun, you get the buzz, the food, the drink, the smells, the singing, the social side, an exciting trip out with Dad... and who knows if he does that a few times and they actually have a nice time they might end up WANTING to watch it with him.

Carneddai · 08/12/2016 20:53

I wonder if he'd have the same attitude if they were girls?

Original poster

plasmina · 08/12/2016 20:55

Married - he has taken the older one for the experience of live game. They can't go often due to cost. DS still doesn't want to watch it at home. DS would rather be playing online with his friends.

OP posts:

nichito · 08/12/2016 20:55

FGS he is forcing them! That is not the action of a man who simply wants to enhance the small talk capabilities of his offspring.

He is being utterly unreasonable and controlling and unless you suspect there's a chance he may react in a particularly cruel or frightening way, I do think you owe it to your boys to put a stop to this, through whatever means necessary.

This is going to result in untold resentment on their part, take it from me.

Original poster

plasmina · 08/12/2016 21:05

nichito - I guess it will be his choice in the end. I don't have strength to argue with DH or try to offer suggestions about anything anymore. DSs are geting older and starting to tell him themselves! As I said earlier I have gotten to the point I am asking for advice here because I don't know left from right anymore (and I am very depressed right now). But it is definitely helpful to know that I am not BU.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 08/12/2016 21:09

Of course he is unreasonable but you knew that. Your boys will remember being forced to watch the games and that you didn't stand up for them and let it happen. I know you said he is 'generally' a good dad but is he domineering in different ways with him? The cycle may need to be broken.

nichito · 08/12/2016 21:17

I understand, OP.

In this instance it may well be that the boys saying "we don't want this" would send a more direct message than you intervening on their behalf.

I admit to being rather grimly intrigued as to his motives, though. Is there any indication (or rather possibility) that he has somehow deluded himself interest in sport is a prerequisite of "proper" masculinity and that this bizarre display is his way of "shaping" the kids into what he desires them to be?

I do see how utterly exhausted and exasperated you must be, but do please try not to lose sight of the fact that it is his behaviour that is unreasonable (amongst a number of other bad things), not yours.

pigsDOfly · 09/12/2016 13:08

You sound very worn down OP. I know this is not why you're on here and I'm sorry if I'm bringing up things you don't want to deal with on here, but are you getting any help with your depression and anxiety?

Have you ever wondered if staying with your husband is contributing to your anxiety?

GeekLove · 09/12/2016 13:33

Your DH is abusive and is almost certainly making you anxious. I don't want to be blunt but the longer you tolerate this the more you enable it and the bad signals you are sending to your boys about relationships.

I bet that once you start proceedings to end this sham of a marriage after the initial pain, your symptoms will improve. And the boys can breath a sigh of relief not ever having to watch sport again.

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