To leave DP after 7 years?

[1manband]

I have been questioning this alot lately. It just isn't working and there seems to be no other solution. I have tried and tried to talk about it and I feel almost financially bullied into staying as he is the main earner and reminds me constantly.
For a bit of background we have 3 children together although my youngest is our biological child together. My elder two's dad is deceased.
After moving location to be with him two years ago I moved back to my home town for financial reasons and because I felt there was not enough emotional and physical support from him. I assumed maybe he would miss us and find work here and come to live with us. (We had spoken about this)
Instead I am living as a single parent and he is living back with his mum. He has a child from a previous relationship live locally and has now said he would never move because of this.
He visits fortnightly and calls a million times a day. But basically, and here's the thing, he is calling to check up on me. Who am I speaking to, who have I seen, am I talking to other men it goes on and on. I'm finding it all really hard. He contributes in as much as paying towards some bills and buying items for the children, mostly just his child. I can't see where the future is heading with the distance and control issues.
But he makes me feel so guilty. Reminding me about things he has bought. As if that justifies the way he talks to (questions) me on a daily basis. It has knocked my confidence and I feel quite isolated. I used to be a happy go lucky sort of person and bubbly and optimistic now I just feel sad alot of the time and worried how I would get by without him.
When he comes he mostly wants looking after where as I am desperate for a break after soley looking after three children. He doesn't get it. Points out things around the house I either havnt noticed or havnt found the time to do. He makes me feel inadequate and I miss the love and affection we used to share.
These days I always seem to be 'the bad guy' despite my efforts. It's lonely and the more he is away from me the more our connection disappears and it's more of a business arrangement. Aibu to give up after all these years? Even though I'm scared to death to be completely alone and starting from scratch with just me and the children. Is it fair on them? Is it even fair on them to stay? I just want a whole completed family. I hate to think I have wasted all these years.

Sorry the post is rather long!

On the basis of what you have said here, ot really does sound like you should leave. You're already living apart and the contact you do have doesn't make you happy.

I grew up with parents who obviously didn't make each other happy, and while I hated the idea of them splitting up at the time, as an adult I can see it would have been better for everyone if they had.

Oh give yourself a lovely early Christmas present and get rid of him. He's horrible! You're completely alone anyway, you just have him glaring at you to see what you're up to - you can do without that.

YANBU

He's basically said his other child is more important than the DC you have - it's at this point I'd have been out

TBH you'd sound as though you'd be better off financially and emotionally by splitting with him...

Seriously? End it!! He is adding nothing to your life x

Sounds like this relationship didn't work when you lived together, and certainly doesn't work with you living apart. In what way would you be 'starting over' if you ended the relationship? Presumably he would still be expecting to pay maintenance for his child and to share parenting, or would you be starting a major divorce war if you said it was over?

You don't say whether you love each other, it just sounds as though you have an idea in your head of a 'whole completed family' as an aim rather than how best you can give your children a happy childhood.

Plus you've wasted nothing. Life is a journey not a destination. Never throw good money after bad. Two sayings, both applicable. Don't waste more years on him.

As others have said, you'd be quite right to leave. All that confidence knocking is unacceptable. He doesn't care about you or the DC you have together. He won't be a father to your older DC. He is trying to control you financially and it will only get worse.

If you were to leave him, would you manage financially?

www.behavioraleconomics.com/mini-encyclopedia-of-be/sunk-cost-fallacy/

Thank you for your replies. No we are not married although long term engaged. I think perhaps I should have ended it when I moved away but as when I got pregnant he promised me the earth and all the other planets! He has been very generous - for example completely furnishing the home we live in. But then he has also hinted he would want it all back should I end it.. I think what hurts the most is he says he cannot leave his other child who he cannot live with (Her mother is remarried with subsequent children) and yet his little boy who thinks the world of him is available to be with everyday and he chooses not to. His mother also interferes with this. Barely acknowledging her grandson in favour of her grandaughter. It's not just the time investment I don't want to lose, logically I know that doesn t make sense in the long run I think it's the fact I am holding out hope that this could still work out. I also don't have the energy or inclination to pursue a new relationship. After the death of my daughter's father I think I came to terms with 'loving eachother' and 'happily-ever-afters' being more of a mythological state. Although contrastly that's all I have ever wanted.