Causing family drama

[Msqueen33]

My mum wants us to go and see her family on boxing day at cousin's restaurant. They spend the time ignoring us and make no effort to converse when we talk to them. Mum agrees but goes as she feels it's family I guess. Two of my three kids have autism and two of the three also have coeliac. Including one who has autism. So will be hard food wise. It's an hour's drive each way and the kids will end up on their iPads or colouring. Youngest doesn't do well with new people or places (severe autism). We barely have anything to do with them, we're not close. AIBU to tell my mum we don't want to go? we'll go if it means a lot to her I suppose.

Yanbu, I'm not attending a family gathering on boxing day as I know my 2 ASD dcs will find it too difficult. My family understand and are fine with it.

Say no. It might mean a lot to your mother but your children have the right to not spend time feeling left out.

Children first for me and you won't enjoy it either op. Tell your mum go with your blessing but you ain't.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. AT ALL.

That's a heck of a lot for you to deal with at home, never mind somewhere you'll have to drive to, where you'll feel uncomfortable and left out, too!!

I feel bad as she's lovely and does bits for us but it seems such a waste. They don't get asd at all. Throw in the youngest not being able to eat the food and the asd its a nightmare. I wouldn't mind but we're not remotely close either.

YANBU i'd go if it wasn't for the kids but it sounds like it's going to be incredibly difficult and not worthwhile considering they don't sound that bothered about seeing you anyway.

You could always invite them to do something at another time that would suit your family better.

We've invited them before but they don't ever want to come. My auntie has run a very successful company and they're quite wealthy and we all feel like they deem us not worthy enough. My auntie is quite arrogant. My mum admits this. My cousin is lovely but we don't get to spend much time with him as he's hosting. My other cousin is horrible and rude to us all. I'd go and suck it up if it wasn't for the kids. I have visions of my youngest climbing on chairs and jumping off them as she won't deal with the sensory overload or screaming blue murder when I have to say no that she can't eat anything from the buffet.

Honestly, from what you have written, you have your answer. Bow out for this year.

And tell people soon, as you'll feel much better once you have.

Hi op

Please give yourself and your kids a break and don't go!

They'll probably be over cooked from Christmas Day and ASD with coeliac to watch over is no joke

I say this as a coeliac with 2 ASD coeliac kids (and ASD husband)

We're having a low key chilled out Christmas at home this year as I'm fed up of chasing around siblings hundreds of miles away who just don't get it and spoiling Christmas for my kids

YANBU. 'No, we won't be going.'

Just say no. Straight up no. You don't need to give any kind of reason.

I can see why you feel for your mum on this, she is probably sad that the family is not closer and wishes that these other relatives were more welcoming to you all. She probably keeps hoping she can make the family closer rather than having to accept further drifting apart. It must be hard and I can see an argument for going just for her sake if it really means a lot to her. On the other hand, I also think her primary loyalty is to you and her dc and she probably would not want to put you in a position of spending a very uncomfortable day for no real reason. It probably is best not to go and if the relationships with family are to improve, to meet them in better circumstances. Maybe your mum could host a meal sometime if she is up to it, with suitable food etc and invite your cousin who is nice? Have an honest chat with her anyway.

You don't need to give a reason to the wider family, but why would OP not give an honest explanation to her DM who she says is lovely?

I wouldn't go under less tense circumstances than the ones you're describing.

Just tell her no, gently, that it doesn't work for you, and wish her a nice time out with her cousins.

No way would I go. Put your own family first. Even if you didn't have kids I fail to see the point of socialising with rude people just because they are family. There is a reason you're not close to each other so don't force it at Christmas. Let the kids enjoy being at home and playing with their toys

Don't go, it sounds awful.

YANBU. Boxing Day in our house (Me, DH & DS) is a slob around in our new Christmas PJ's, play games, watch films, eat our own body weight in cheese/pâté/chocolate and have a few glasses of wine sort of day. We've done this since DH & I first got together, and I enjoy it more than I do Christmas Day! Don't put yourself and your DC through it OP I wouldn't.

if it's just for a meal then you could go and leave the kids with your dh? have a good chat with folk rather than worrying about stuff?

if you don't want to do that or your dh doesn't get much time off work then just don't go.