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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want sex right now?!

8 replies

Msqueen33 · 08/12/2016 12:18

I'm expecting to be flamed. But here goes.

I'm a sahm to three kids aged 8-4. Two have autism. The youngest severely so. I didn't chose to sah but the younger two cannot cope with much childcare. I do all appointments, therapies, cleaning, cooking, washing and ironing. Dh has a busy job and often gets in at gone 8pm as he finds it easier to work there. He also does his hobby once/twice a week.

The issue is sex. We barely have any. I'm exhausted. He feels asleep on the sofa frequently. Our youngest barely sleeps. He's groped my bottom and boobs which I've told him time and time again I hate but a cuddle or a kiss is never just that. He doesn't get involved with the kids education despite two struggling with certain subjects. I've told him this. That a lot of the time I don't even care if he doesn't do any household things but I want him to be more involved with the kids. To discuss therapists/therapies. He complains a lot he feels rejected. I admit having two child with Sen has in many ways taken a lot from me. He says he understands but doesn't or so it feels like. He says he won't bother touching me. I'm tired of explaining it. That I'm always on call to everyone. I'm not sure I have anything to give to anyone right now.

I feel angry at him a lot of the time and he can't seem to see this or understand that occasionally "I know it's hard with the kids but you're doing amazingly". He was worshipped by his mother so is very use to being the golden boy and his sister didn't get much of a look in.

Am I awful? He's not a bad bloke but he's making me feel awful. Maybe I should let him go. I'm doing the best I can but I've got just enough for me and I need to keep going for the kids right now.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 08/12/2016 12:31

How often do you go and do your hobby during the week? When do you get a break from being on duty? It is hard to feel attracted to someone when you have no time for yourself and when they aren't taking a fair share of the burden off you - it makes sex just seem like an another task on your never ending to do list.
He needs to understand that it is not just the physical tasks that are exhausting its also the mental exhaustion from having to juggle all the different appointments, providing support with education, coordinating with therapists and following recommendations.
Can you get some time for yourself during the week or weekend where he takes over with the DC?

IAmNotACat · 08/12/2016 14:28

It's never wrong to not want sex.

Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 14:30

You are not doing anything wrong to not feel that you can prioritise sex right now.

PeteSwotatoes · 08/12/2016 14:40

I'm sure your situation is not unusual. Sex seems like a chore right now - is that fair?

If you don't like being felt up he shouldn't keep doing it. Being treated like a sex doll is not going to help the situation.

Do you feel like he just wants sex or he wants it with you?

Is it about him having a good time, or connecting with you?

Might be worth a chat.

Guiltypleasures001 · 08/12/2016 14:46

So he stays at the office till late? Because it's easier that way, whilst your juggling a minefield of house home and kids.

He doesn't want the grunt work, but feels he's entitled to the sweet stuff, tell him to either shape up or,get to fuck. Flowers

NavyandWhite · 08/12/2016 14:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 08/12/2016 15:07

You're not awful, you're both in a downward spiral & something needs to give. He'll become less engaged without the sex as that's how a lot of men feel close to their partners & you'll be less inclined to have sex the more he distances himself from you because of it. Horrible place to be but, one of you will need to make the first move or you'll be toast

CHJR · 08/12/2016 15:07

I could have written your post, OP, even though I have only one child with ASD. I wish I could help you. But we haven't solved this one either. We even went to Relate for a while, which helped a bit in terms of airing our points of view but couldn't really fix the underlying problem, which is that both of us feel hard done by. And yes, in our house DH is home "early" if he arrives before 9. We have less sex than he wants and more than I want. And when he is sulking about it all it really ruins my entire week, which doesn't really need ruining further.

I do try to remember that it's not really his fault (or mine), it's the situation.

Look again for a nanny who can give you at least one afternoon a week off (I know, it's hard, but in time you can find someone, at least here in London), and ask your husband to step up at the weekends. Flowers will not help but maybe a bit more Cake (this is why I've gained weight Sad). I'm so sorry.

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