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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

affair or relationship?

19 replies

TENSHI · 08/12/2016 10:38

Hi, I am a long term poster just namechanged. In a nut shell, have been happily married for 20 years. Dh kind, hardworking, helpful, loving. But he has ED and the side effects of any drug to combat this affect him badly, so not an option.

What should I do? I am only in love with my dh, have a rabbit which I use, but I actually crave the weight of man and the rest...

Have discussed all options with dh. Don't want to hurt him, don't want to have an affair, but actually am now fantasising about being with other men. I am 53. For some reason the menopause has made me hornier.

Dh and I have always had a limited sex life due to work pressures, looking after young dc etc.

Am I alone?

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 08/12/2016 10:44

Sex is a massive part of a living relationship & you must be in turmoil? Does he do anything else for you that isn't PIV?

PollytheDolly · 08/12/2016 10:45

This must be so difficult, for you both.

Can you improvise? Him with your rabbit (or other toys/aids) trying to emulate as close as possible the real deal with all the foreplay and intimacy alongside?

abbsisspartacus · 08/12/2016 10:46

Is surgery an option?

Original poster

TENSHI · 08/12/2016 11:24

No surgery not an option. Yes he is good in other ways.

OP posts:

Pasithea · 08/12/2016 11:31

My oh and I haven't for years because of ill health etc. I know where you are coming from . You really have to talk and compromise. It's really difficult but talking is the only way through.

Original poster

TENSHI · 08/12/2016 11:41

He looked so hurt even when I suggested it might be a good idea for him to find a new partner if it was a psychological-emotional reason behind the ed.

He said he thought we were in a good place right now in our relationship.

OP posts:

Crisscrosscranky · 08/12/2016 11:45

Well, there's another thread on here at the moment that offers some advice.

To summarise:

he's not your property so you should expect him to ever have sex with you
don't try and ask him for sex; it's not your right
it's acceptable to be in a sexless marriage and you should suck it up

Suppermummy02 · 08/12/2016 11:49

Are you doing enough housework?

Original poster

TENSHI · 08/12/2016 11:54

I don't think my dh would expect me to do all the housework Super as I work full time too!

OP posts:

Original poster

TENSHI · 09/12/2016 03:50

I have just read through the other thread to get some perspective. Pasithea what compromise have you reached? I find this is a difficult subject to broach as it is such a sensitive subject for a man. I suppose there are very few men out there who would admit to ed or want to discuss it on a parenting forum so any suggestions where I might get more advice?

OP posts:

PenguinsandPebbles · 09/12/2016 04:07

There is also another thread where a man wants to have sex with his wife who has lost her libido.

The responses are very different but the sensible posters talk about intimacy

Maybe you need to rebuild just that with your husband, so you tell him you won't pressure him into sex, you say sex is of the cards until he is ready but in the meantime you would like to rekindle intimacy.

So kissing and no pressure for him to perform

I think it is quite sad that women forget that many men like that side of a relationship as much as women do.

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 04:19

I think you will destroy your marriage unless you accept that this is not something he can help. I understand why you are frustrated but 'in sickness and in health' and all that. Do you love him?

Qwertie · 09/12/2016 07:16

BTW OP; it is not the same as the other thread. There is not the same history of female sexual violence against men, oppression of men for women's gain and a man is not as likely to have previously sexually abused by a woman. Of myself & sisters; 2 of the 3 of us have suffered sexual abuse and I don't think we are unusual, nen are not sexual commodities in the way thst women are. I understand the impatience for equality, but to ignore our own experiences is detrimental to ever getting there IMO.
That said OP; I'm not sure I could stay in a relationship where my partner was having a sexual relationship with someone else. I think you need to work together to find a way for the 2 of you to have a better physical relationship. Even if your DH accepted it, I think he would be devastated.

Original poster

TENSHI · 09/12/2016 10:02

Yes, I read about intimacy and the importance of that... this is what we DO do, and have done for many years. We are very sweet together, we'll get the massage oils out, lots of handholding, massage etc.

He is just gorgeous, slim very fit and fun. Almost too good to be true.. and it would be without this.

Neither of us were experienced so not many other relationships behind us. We used to have a great sex life and have 4 dc to attest for that. But they are growing up and leaving home so leaving more 'us time'..first time really...as we are both very much hands on parents.

So it is almost tragicomic that all the devotion we have been put into raising our family and reaping the rewards from that (even putting ourselves second)and now having more time for each other and now this.

I was probably just like many other mums with young dc without a huge libido but my dh was never one to pressurize and got used to diy.

Now he finds that is is only one way he can come, and from doing my own research it seems things just dry up without regularity and is quite common.

OP posts:

Original poster

TENSHI · 09/12/2016 10:11

To answer trifle, yes, I love him more than I could ever love any other man. He is my soulmate and best friend, he makes me laugh everyday, he is kind and thoughtful and the best daddy ever.

I think I will just try to bury this need in me and hope it will pass with age. I could not imagine throwing away my life with him over this though.

I have never experienced sexual coercion/pressure/sulking so I think on balance while things will never be perfect and I need to accept that.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 10:23

What a lovely post, OP.

Trifleorbust · 09/12/2016 10:25

And your response is what sets you apart from the other poster mentioned above, who got flamed - you are thinking about your DH and you are prepared to put him first.

MadJeffBarn · 09/12/2016 10:28

I'm so sorry to be ignorant but what is ED?

Ncforblushes · 09/12/2016 10:44

I think there are things you can do to help the situation. In this, I'm assuming he'd like to get sex back on track too.

It sounds as if he's trained himself over the years of little sex, to only come through his own hand - that's what I'm taking your previous post to mean.

What I'd do (and this is just me concentrating on him for now), is to take ie slowly - all him to watch, so that at least you can be there, then maybe you can touch him at the same time and then take over. Once he's comfortable with you playing with him, then you can gradually build up to other parts of his bodyuntil you can have full sex.

If you need a bit of non pharmaceutical help, try something like a penis pump maybe?

In the meantime, a few extra toys for you which he can use on you may help keep up the sexual intimacy.

This is all assuming that he's as eager to get this resolved as you are.

I don't think you should give up on good sex, but you may need (for now at least) to explore different ways of being sexually intimate with eachother.

I think to cast him aside, when he stuck by you when you didn't want sex with him, would be a little unfair, but sex should be a part of marriage. It's a shame it fell by the wayside for so long, because it can be difficult to come back from.

With some careful work and a lot of love and cooperation, I think you'll get there though- and not have to go without.

Good luck.

Flip