To be annoyed at my friends

[Papaya90]

Hi,

I can't make up my mind about this and I am not sure what is the right thing to do here.

Few years ago I moved towns but I still go and visit the town I was born a reasonable few times a year. I always thought that's where my best friends live (there used to be a group of us being very close for a good 10 years). Recently, however, certain things started to annoy me. Things like:

• none of my friends has ever come with a visit to my new place (it's been 6 years)
• every occasion I post them gifts or go and visit but only once in all this 6 year time I received as much as a supermarket mug and paper napkins...

I don't want to sound ungrateful and I understand this might be to a difficult financial situation, family etc but come on... I know it is not, in this case.

The recent drop in the ocean is that I'm coming with a visit as soon as tomorrow and I've been telling my friends about it for about a month. Since it's a pre-Christmas time I thought about organising a Christmas lunch or a get-together but it seems like no one is interested (notice: no one officially said "no" to my face). I feel a bit like a fool for pestering them about meeting up and buying Christmas gifts etc.

AIBU to be annoyed and stop asking them to meet and buy gifts every time I go there?...

No yanbu

That's sad, Papaya, but it sounds as though they've moved on from your friendship. It's also possible that they are no longer as close with each other as they were when you lived there. I'd suggest stop buying gifts and make a suggestion of a meet-up to just one of them. She may suggest inviting some of the others along, or decline your invitation. Either way you'll be able to gauge whether some or all of your friends are a lost cause.

TBH after 6 years I'd expect to have made new friends in the new town - divert some of your energies to that!

Are they busy with other things this weekend? My in laws decided a few weeks ago that this is the weekend they want to visit. It's DH's work do, DS has a party and DD is in a show at various times.

They are really pissed off that we haven't kept it completely free for them. Yes, they gave us plenty of notice, but no-it still wasn't a time we were going to be very free.

I'd definitely stop buying presents for friends-we haven't done that since university days.

I'm afraid people move on. Not nastily, not intending to hurt but because life continues after people move away. Initially it's acceptable to want the old friendship group to remain close but after six years? No, things change, people make new friends and develop new interests. Someone they see occasionally becomes less important. Stop going back or at least stop expecting them to be waiting around with excitement for your coming. You would be better off focussing on your life in your new home.

Maybe you're right and I'm holding on to something that is simply not there any more. It's a bit of a sad realisation to be honest :(

It is very sad, but people do move on from friendships. Maybe they feel a bit awkward about the gifts, too.
I think that, in some ways, you'll feel closer to them when you've moved on iykwim- there won't be the same pressure.

YANBU does sounds a bit like they're just interested in low maintenance friendships with people who live nearby that don't require much effort.

By no means I ever meant spending a whole weekend entertaining me. Just going out for a coffee, a meal or a walk would be nice. I never considered it requiring a lot of effort if given months of notice. But I do see your point and sadly I think you might be right. I've never done any of it in expectation of anything back - just as a simple caring touch - to offer coffee to catch up, buy a little something for occassion I wasn't there to celebrate etc, but recently it got me wonder that maybe instead of being a good friend I'm being a fool :(

Get new friends

It sounds like they want to wind the friendship down . I'd put your energies into building new friendships.

Are they all a big group of friends who see each other regularly without you?

I moved from South Wales back up North. It's been 7 years and none of my old friends have bothered. So I don't. It sucks but honestly, why should I go to all the effort and expense? WE'RE meant to be friends, Not ME friends with THEM.