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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For kissing DS on the lips

23 replies

RebRen · 08/12/2016 06:26

DS is 4yo.
Round at DMs the other day and he comes to give me a kiss on the lips, which is something we always do. DM pulls disgusted face and says "oh, no, don't kiss him on the lips, you'll give him a complex" Hmm
Just a bit of background info, my DM is hardly the most affectionate person. We have a lot of issues in our family re: EA, DV and SA aimed at DM, siblings and I, which she has never really acknowledged or discussed with us (it 'stresses her out').

So really my AIBU is: Is my DM BU to tell me how to show affection to my DS when she never really tried
Or AIBU for kissing DS on lips?
Sorry, am struggling to word anything right atm.
Obviously NC for this too

OP posts:
ProbablyMe · 08/12/2016 06:29

She's being silly. YANBU.

EZA15 · 08/12/2016 06:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable for kissing ds on the lips but I think you are being a bit unreasonable expecting your mother to if she's never been like that. In the other hand if I've come from the same sort of background (re: dv, sb and ea) and my mother has no contact with me or family

user1477282676 · 08/12/2016 06:31

If the child leads it and it's your child, it's fine. Some people have hang ups about it...it tends to phase out when they get to about 9 or so.

shuijiao · 08/12/2016 06:31

Did you ask her what she meant? 'Give him a complex', that's a bit weird.

YANBU. SIBU.

pklme · 08/12/2016 06:35

You expressed yourself well, don't worry.

I'm not an 'on the lips kisser', but many people are. I also came from a somewhat cold home, and find touchy feely stuff a bit uncomfortable sometimes.

I think kissing children on the lips comes from that baby stage when they mouth your face and want to be nose to nose with you. You will both probably grow out of it, at his pace, if you see what I mean.

You certainly aren't going to give him a complex! It's perfectly normal in lots of families.

Original poster
RebRen · 08/12/2016 06:35

shuijiao she always says things like "give him a complex" to mean that basically i'll mess ds up emotionally. She trots these phrases out willy-nilly

OP posts:
RoseGoldHippie · 08/12/2016 06:39

I always give my niece a big kiss on the lips (well she gives me one while I try to position my head so to not be covered in snot! Grin) you won't give him a complex! YANBU

Original poster
RebRen · 08/12/2016 06:44

I explained to her that it's nice for him to be so affectionate now, as he will probably stop doing it in a couple of years , or probably when he starts school
Even my DSis (who really is emotionally unstable) told DM to stop being nasty, and maybe if she showed us affection we wouldn't have grown up to be as cold as we all are now.

OP posts:
Original poster
RebRen · 08/12/2016 06:45

RoseGold haha, yes the snot-lips are the only ones I avoid Smile

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 08/12/2016 06:54

She is just saying what she is used to. I would just laugh and continue with what I was doing. No harm in it at all.

Maverickismywingman · 08/12/2016 06:55

YANBU. We did this when I was growing up and we are still an affectionate family.

shuijiao · 08/12/2016 09:37

But why does she think kissing him on the lips would mess him up emotionally? I can understand if it's something she prefers not to do, but to say you'd actually be harming him is a pretty strong statement.

Both dc (8&6) still kiss me and DH on the lips. Only really saying goodbye/goodnight. I'm not sure when they'll stop.

pinkblink · 08/12/2016 09:38

There's something wrong with a person who sees a problem in you kissing your child on the lips Hmm

Gillybean76 · 08/12/2016 09:40

I still kiss my 11.5 yr old on the lips to say goodnight. Until he starts offering his cheek instead I'll carry on.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2016 09:51

I don't think it will mess him up that's silly, but I do have to be honest and say I don't like it either. I just find something about kissing on the lips with a child makes me feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't say anything though if I witnessed it, which I occassionally have.

I suspect it's because we have a lot of nerve endings in the lips, and kissing a partner on the lips often has different connotations and any remote hint of those connotations with a child makes me uncomfortable. I know this is totally different but I can't change the fact I find it discomfiting. I would say if he kisses you on the lips then maybe it's a learned thing, as in that's how he thinks kissing is done.

I kiss my daughter a lot, always have done and still do, and she's 19, and she kisses me, we also have lots of cuddles, but I've never kissed her on the lips, it's always the cheek.

As said, if you and him are comfortable with it, then there is no good reason not to do it, it's just something that people feel differently about. I think she expressed her discomfort wrongly, he won't get a complex, it's simply she like me is naturally uncomfortable with it.

Original poster
RebRen · 08/12/2016 12:17

Thank you for your replies. I do understand that it may be uncomfortable for some, but as those of you who have said this even admit it's not so troubling that you would feel the need to tell someone to stop foing this.
shuijiao she does make these statements as throwaway comments and often doesn't consider others' feelings. Gor example, she when I had PND it was something I ought to "get over" because they didn't have PND in "her day" Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
RebRen · 08/12/2016 12:18

Just re-read my post. So many typos from sausage fingers Grin

OP posts:
ElizabethHoney · 08/12/2016 12:31

Whilst I'm not that comfortable with it, I can't imagine telling another mother that I disapproved of her kissing her child in the lips,at least unless it was an indisputably inappropriate age like 15!

However, she's the child's grandmother, so I think that if she has expressed that once, it's kinder to let it go and not worry about it. If she keeps mentioning it, then you need to find a way to tell her to mind her own business.

Temporaryname137 · 08/12/2016 12:40

For me personally, the lips are more sensual than kisses on cheeks etc, and only for your partner (or date, or whatever!). So I would not kiss DD on the lips, and would not expect anyone else to.

However, it is utter bollocks to say you will give him a "complex", and if it's what you do as a family, then that's up to you and nobody else!

ghostspirit · 08/12/2016 12:47

It's just a kiss on the cheek and hugs with my kids. .not comfortable with the kissing on the lips. Just my thing. No right or wrong as long as everyone is comfortable.

JellyBelli · 08/12/2016 12:50

My mother was like that, she was an abuse survivor. Its always a possibility, so let it go and do things your way.

Boogers · 08/12/2016 12:52

Eh? DS is 13 and at that awkward age where he walks 20 paces in front of me in the village but holds my hand when we're a long way from home. It's sometimes a kiss on the forehead but sometimes it's a kiss on the lips, and sometimes he doesn't rub it off straight afterwards! Xmas Smile

I've kissed both DC on the lips since they were born. If you and your DS don't have a problem with it then it's fine, and don't let your DM tell you it's wrong. He'll tell you if he doesn't want to kiss you on the lips soon enough.

shockedballoon · 08/12/2016 12:54

I still give my mum a peck on the lips. I'm 41 and complex-free Grin

DS (7) still kisses both me and DH on the lips. If he chooses not to then that will be equally fine.
He also knows some people don't like being kissed on the lips and that's also fine and should be respected. It's just about different personal boundaries.
Enjoy those gorgeous love-filled kisses from your DS for as long as you are both comfortable to do so.

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