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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed with people treating me like a kid.

23 replies

ellalouise123 · 07/12/2016 16:29

For starters I'm 31 but look about 21/22. I don't think i ACT 21/22 at all though. I am married, have a good job and do well at work.

I am sick of everyone treating me like i'm 10 years younger though. My work colleagues who know me well are perfectly fine with me and treat me like an equal. However, in my line of work we get a lot of visitors and outside agencies in and everyone seems to just come to my desk, pick things up, shove me out of the way, ask me to do things for them, where they don't ask the same of my older colleagues. Also got p*ssed off today because 3 different delivery guys called me darlin'/love/sweetheart but didn't say the same to my older colleagues when interacting with them. A man even prodded me to get my attention, where I cannot imagine him doing the same to my 50 year old colleague. I did remark that it was odd that he prodded me and could have just said excuse me. Some regular visitors we have into work just seem to be a lot more domineering with me than with anyone else and I end up doing tasks for them where they wouldn't ask another person the same.

I do think I could do with being more assertive but I hate tension and causing a scene and don't want anyone at work to think I have a chip on my shoulder or whatever but it's really grating on me. I don't know. Maybe I am taking it to heart too much. I just don't know how to bring it up now without sounding ridiculous.

OP posts:
Gutted2016 · 07/12/2016 17:07

YANBU. I look and sound young, I don't particularly have an immature manner and have a successful job in the city, and yet I consistently get spoken down to by people who have underestimated my age/capability. Especially when I am not dressed for work.

One example was a mother at a baby group who was complaining of her SPD. I said yes, I'd suffered too and I hoped it wouldn't be too debilitating if I fell pregnant again. She almost screeched at me "yes well it's ok for yoooou! You're young, you can recover! Us older women need to worry more about their bones." I said "sorry? How old do you think I am?!" She said 25. I'm 35. The same age as she then admitted she was. The cow.

biggles50 · 07/12/2016 18:16

Op I really feel your pain, I look younger than I am, it doesn't cause problems now as I'm in my 50s, but in my 20s trying to be taken seriously at work was very tricky. I was an associate director of a recruitment consultancy in London I recall one woman coming in asking for the boss, I assured her I could deal with it, she said I was just a typist, I handed her my card, she looked me up and down and snorted with derision, ugh I was raging. In another firm some bitch suggested that i shouldn't answer the phone because i sounded young!
If someone asks you to do something are you in a position to say you'll search for someone more junior? Or maybe you could work on your body language ( don't know how ) so that you ooze confidence and have the kind of look that nobody would dare disrespect. Looking young will be ok when you're older, I hated it until I was well into my thirties. I was thought to be a child bride, my husband has been mistaken for my dad, I had to produce Id in pubs in my 30s and just last month I was left waiting in the doctor's surgery as the doc didn't realise I was mrs biggles as i looked too young and thought I was waiting for someone else. So it's amusing now but very irritating when you want to be taken seriously at work.

redexpat · 07/12/2016 19:01

Read nice girls dont get the corner office. It might help redrress the balance between being nice and getting your needs met.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 07/12/2016 19:26

I have this problem, and it's definitely a problem. At 38, people routinely think I'm a very tired 20/21 year old. Dressing "professionally" makes zero difference when you have an ultra baby face. I don't have a young sounding voice though, so at least that's a small mercy.

Sympathies, OP. Flowers. But yeah, it may be time to start losing the niceness.

ClassmateHB · 07/12/2016 19:28

Oh god I get this. I look 8-10 years younger than I am, and have retrained, so am relatively "new". Drives me mad to be patronised by people younger than me who talk to me like I'm a bloody tea girl.

Boiing · 07/12/2016 19:50

I had this a lot when I was working. I overdressed for work and sometimes acted like a stuck up cow which helped a bit (was a lawyer so those things were kind of expected though), and often casually mentioned my age when it wasn't natural to do so eg would make a joke about my being born in the 70s. But being patronised it was the worst part of it for sure!

ellalouise123 · 08/12/2016 17:11

Thanks guys. It's reassuring to hear I'm not the only one! Think you're right though, my 'niceness' is being taken as weakness it seems. I hate the thought of purposefully not being as nice just so people don't treat me like this but I suppose people will only realise they're insulting me/crossing a line if I put my foot down.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 17:23

YANBU... but, to be honest the treatment you are discussing is not accetable and would not be if you were 21.

So, you do need to get some assertiveness, either read a bit, find a good blog, website, a course or a book.

"I do think I could do with being more assertive" - you know it

" but I hate tension" you have to accept there might be a tiny bit but there is more likely to be more, later, if you allow this, and the feelings, to fester

"and causing a scene" who says you need to cause a scene?

" and don't want anyone at work to think I have a chip on my shoulder or whatever" - why would people think you had a chip on your shoulder?

No one in their right mind is going to defend their behaviour on the basis that they thought you were 21', because treating anyone like that is wrong.

So the only way you might get known for 'a chip on your shoulder', IMHO, potentially, is if you tell people you think you get this treatment because you look young (even though you may well get this treatment because you look young!)

So if you bring up the fact you look young, yes, people may think yuo are being 'precious'.And this would be, IMHO, because people are sometimes jealous of younger looking people!

Just do not mention the fact you look young, just say the right/appropriate thing in the situation.

"I just don't know how to bring it up now without sounding ridiculous." - I'd take it on a case by case basis.

FizzBombBathTime · 08/12/2016 17:28

I'm 23 and if someone treated me like I would be fucked off.

It's not excusable to treat younger people the way you're describing

FizzBombBathTime · 08/12/2016 17:28

Like that*

ellalouise123 · 08/12/2016 17:42

Oh no I know it's totally not acceptable to treat anyone like that, regardless of age! It's just that a couple of people I work with had remarked that they think that's why people do it.

I agree - I'm not going to mention the age thing at all, I'm just going to start putting my foot down and being more assertive. I'll have to accept a bit of tension and surprised looks before things get better. I really don't know why I dwell on what other people think of me so much, I annoy myself doing it.

OP posts:
AmeliaJack · 08/12/2016 17:49

I would think it's less about how you look and more about your lack of assertiveness.

Nice does not equal doormat.

You can be nice and assertive. Redexoats book recommendation is excellent.

PeachBellini123 · 08/12/2016 17:51

I second reading 'Nice girls don't get the corner office' it made me change my body language which has had a knock on effect to how people at work treat me (think assertive).

It is annoying though. I'm 32 but looks mid 20s. Huge compliment but people my own age say incredibly patronising things because they think I'm younger. I even had someone comment about me getting married and having a baby young..I'm pregnant with my first child in my 30s!

I've accepted I have a young face (am also short). Hoping it pays off in ten years Wink

RhiWrites · 08/12/2016 17:54

Have you spoken to your manager about this? I think she or he would be able to give you advice about how to professionally set boundaries around some of this behaviour.

Ezzie29 · 08/12/2016 17:59

I feel your pain, I don't think I look much younger than my age (I'm 29, I can pass for about 25) but I'm 4"11 with a bit of a baby voice which makes people think I'm more like 18 and it definitely leads to people treating me like I'm a stupid kid. Doesn't help that I'm a secretary which is not always a very respected position! You have to speak up for yourself and make it clear when you find something to be unacceptable.

Enidblyton1 · 08/12/2016 18:01

I'm the same (or used to be before a couple of kids ran me ragged!)
Some women just appear a lot older than others - to do with body shape/stature/deepness of voice.
Not much you can do about it and even dressing differently is unlikely to have much impact (in my experience!)
Is there anything you an do with your hair? Sometimes that can make a difference.
Assertiveness is key, but not always easy to achieve!!
Good luck! I think it's finally an advantage when you get to your late 30s...

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 18:01

ellalouise "I really don't know why I dwell on what other people think of me so much, I annoy myself doing it."

Perhaps because all women are conditioned (to some degree) to put up with stuff!

But you can change this. Think in advance what might happen, prepare for how you will tackle it.

For example...

"...in my line of work we get a lot of visitors and outside agencies in and everyone seems to just come to my desk, pick things up," - you could ignore this or make a point of saying "oh, I need that." and put your hand out for them to return your item.

"shove me out of the way," - ignore or say "Excuse me did you realise you shoved/bumped into me?"

Most people should apologize and make a mental note not to be a jerk around you in future.

Some may brazen it out with a 'I think you were in my way." In which case you can choose to ignore them, brazen it out how you feel is appropriate. If you are standing still, and they are moving, then it is clear who is in the wrong so you could say 'I was standing still, you were moving." You can always choose to back down, you can always choose to be polite but in a clear, frosty, 'don't fuck with me' way!

EG you could ignore their reply and make your way off - away from your desk, to the loo, to someone else's desk etc. Culture sometimes dictates one apologizes in these situations, when you know you are not in the wrong you can choose to not supply an apology.

"ask me to do things for them, where they don't ask the same of my older colleagues." This is a tough one. Are you expected to do things for your colleagues? I think if this is a regular occurrence I would either say 'Sorry I am snowed under' or I would talk to my line manager about unreasonable demands by work colleagues.

"Also got p*ssed off today because 3 different delivery guys called me darlin'/love/sweetheart but didn't say the same to my older colleagues when interacting with them."

You could report this to the company anonymously. Or to your line manager who could ask that the message is passed on anonymously to company. It should not be phrased as XYZ complained but rather a member of staff reported that blah blah blah, so it could be anyone who witnessed the behaviour.

"A man even prodded me to get my attention, where I cannot imagine him doing the same to my 50 year old colleague."

I think I would be tempted to exaggerate my response here, with a loud "ouch' or 'eeeyouch' or 'argh'' then 'You prodded me!"

www.writtensound.com/index.php?term=pain

This will hopefylly mean that the man automatically needs to start his conversation with an apology and again, I would hope, will not do this to anyone, regardless of their age.

In many ways all your comments could be said to be true of the experience of some women in work, asked to do things that are not part of their job, having their physical space invaded, bring inappropriately 'prodded/touched or whatever' and being called derogatory names.

Re " I did remark that it was odd that he prodded me and could have just said excuse me." who did you remark this to, the person who did it?

What did he say?

Good luck, remember, you can choose, you can ignore some behaviour, if you feel it is not too bothersome (e.g. it would not worry me if people picked up my stuff from my desk) or you can make a big deal if you choose to.

No one has ever prodded me but then again when I really was younger (even younger than 21) I worked in a restaurant and had my bum touched regular by a customer, and was sometimes quite fearful of bad behaviour by other males. So what I am saying now is what I feel as a 50 something woman, as a much younger woman I put up with things because I did not realise I had a choice.

You do have a choice. Exercise it.

Good luck. Thanks

ellalouise123 · 08/12/2016 18:10

That's exactly it, I got married recently and people made all sorts of comments about 'you're a bit young aren't you?' I just think sod off! Even if I thought something like that I'd never say it.

You're right - in 10 years time I'll be glad of it!

I am going to speak to my manager about it, she's very approachable and it is becoming an issue now. I do agree I need to learn to be more assertive, I already accept that, will read that book!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 18:12

I am ordering "Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office", it looks good!

I used to look young for my age, sadly not any more. I do think this has something to do with being female. I am not sure that many young looking men get called 'darling' or prodded by random visitors.

ellalouise123 · 08/12/2016 18:15

italiangreyhound Thank you so much. That's all really helpful and you're spot on.
Yeah I told the guy who prodded me and he just sort of ignored me and turned around. Even I am not enough of a pushover to let someone prod me in the ribs in the workplace and not say anything.

I think you're right about people mentally making a note that 'oh maybe I shouldn't behave like that with her' and not doing again. I hope so anyway!

No I am not expected to do work for these people although we do help each other out if/when someone is snowed under. It just seems like they automatically expect me to do it. Again, that's because I've allowed it I guess.

OP posts:
PeachBellini123 · 08/12/2016 18:29

Italiangreyhound - it's really good. Made me realise some of the things I do without knowing it (body language) etc which can affect how people view you.

ellalouise123 · 08/12/2016 18:31

peachbellini123 I've just ordered it - sounds really interesting.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/12/2016 08:27

Today is a new day, let us know how you get on! Go get 'em tiger.

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