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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse money from DM

17 replies

WhoisthisHans · 07/12/2016 10:47

Hi, sorry I'm new to MN so apologies if I'm no good with the lingo!
So I recently got engaged and we've started making plans. I've saved up money from when various relatives have died (I now only have DM left on my side) and I was planning on using the majority of those savings for the wedding. I should be able to do it, with some left over.
Yesterday DM talked to me and OH about how she was going to pay for the wedding. She said it meant a lot to her because it's the bride's family who pay. I kind of explained that my family are still technically paying, because I've saved from them, and she seemed kind of upset that we wouldn't let her pay?
My OH is absolutely against DM paying. Mainly because he knows, like I do, that there would be massive strings attached and she would want last say on every decision and every expense.
AIBU to refuse her offer and use my savings? Or should I be grateful and use my savings down the line for a deposit on a house or something?

OP posts:
fluffywhitekittens · 07/12/2016 10:53

Compromise? She could pay for something specific and personal like the dress and flowers?

NavyandWhite · 07/12/2016 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/12/2016 10:55

can you compromise and let her pay for some elements that are not so important for you?

Babydontcry · 07/12/2016 10:56

I agree with those who have suggested compromise, that way she involved but can't take over!

Sonders · 07/12/2016 10:59

I think compromise could work but only on something you'd be happy for her to have a big impact on. Maybe the food? As long as it's tasty it's a pretty easy one to organise!

xStefx · 07/12/2016 11:04

I would tell her the reason that you don't want to accept her money, that if you do accept it you would feel like you wouldn't get to make your own decisions. If she still insists you take it then make her promise not to try to take control. tell her you are happy to pay for things yourself if it means you get the day YOU want.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 11:18

Oh my christ... If you have zero savings for a house deposit then yabu to spend out on a wedding at all imo. I'd honestly let mum pay for a really simple day and invest the rest of the funds into your actual future, not a fairytale day.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 11:19

Maybe she doesn't want to see you wasting it all and this is the nicest way she could think of preventing you doing that?

OohhThatsMe · 07/12/2016 11:21

I agree with baconandeggies - madness to pay anything much on a wedding if you need to save for a house deposit.

I'd rather have the inheritances for the house deposit and let my mum help pay towards the wedding, while keeping a tight grip on her.

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 11:21

Your partner should be ashamed of himself if he'd happily see you spending the vast majority of your inheritance on a wedding. Does he have any savings?

amammabear · 07/12/2016 12:25

If she really wants to, why not put your money to something else? She probably sees it as your inheritance anyway and would like to see you enjoy it rather than have it after she's gone

Original poster
WhoisthisHans · 07/12/2016 14:57

Thanks everyone, I think you're right and we'll compromise about something mum can contribute to so I have more to save! Maybe my dress and the honeymoon could be a good few things? And flowers! I know nothing about flowers, so she's welcome to decide on them!

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 07/12/2016 15:59

my parents paid for my wedding in the traditional way and because of that they did have alot of say in what happened, but I was not bothered about this as I did not have many fixed ideas other than wanting it to be as informal as possible. I guess you have 2 options. You either do the above compromise where you ask her to cover cost of something specific or you are very frank with her and say that you understand she wants to pay, but that you want to make the decisions and if her paying means she will expect her way, then that is not acceptable. If she is happy to pay and staqy out of it then you haved a win win and get to keep your savings for other stuff. I discovered when I married, that my parents had started some sort of wedding account for me when I was young

expatinscotland · 07/12/2016 16:11

Spunking your savings on a wedding when you are rented accommodation is folly in the extreme. I'd let her pay for a small wedding and use the money for a house deposit.

SheepyFun · 07/12/2016 16:20

We told our families we were paying, as he who pays the piper calls the tune. However I would have been happy not to have flowers, DH's aunt enjoys flower arranging, so we gave her free rein (and they paid for the flowers). Similarly, my parents wanted genuine champagne for the toasts, we weren't bothered, so they paid. But it left us control of the parts of the day we cared about!

WorkAccount · 07/12/2016 16:31

The only important part of a wedding is standing in front of everyone you love and saying "I Do" .

Having a house is important, saving up for a deposit is really hard work.

I think you all know my answer.

AyeAmarok · 07/12/2016 16:36

Why do you want to spend so much on a party?

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