To Not Want Him To Go....

[toomuchtimereadingthreads2016]

Am feeling quite upset this morning but DP says I am BU so am prepared to be told I am.

Background: My DP works nights (gets home at 7am) and I work days, office hours (9-6). I work Mon-Fri, he works Wed-Sun (usually). We have a 2YO DD and expecting number 2. I can book my holidays in advance, he gets told last minute by work what days he can have. As you can imagine we hardly see eachother, 2 evenings a week, and for lunch at the weekends before he leaves for work.

This week he has been given the week off from work on a weeks notice as usual. His first day off was last saturday but he was sleeping all day from being in work Friday night. For the coming weekend I booked to take our DD to the theatre for the first time to see Frozen on the Saturday, and we are meant to be going to see her "perform" in her music group Christmas thingy on Sunday.

These past few days he has been great, taking the weight off me and helping out loads so that I can have a much needed rest too. We even had a little trip to the cinema Monday night. Then last night he asks me if I mind if he goes on a three day retreat over the weekend as he probably wont get another chance with his working hours/not being allowed to book days off in advance, or "was what you had planned for the weekend important?". He knows what I had planned for the weekend. FAMILY TIME. WHICH WE NEVER EVER EVER GET.

Tried to keep calm and explain why I would prefer that he didnt because of how little time we actually get together and how those things are important to our daughter even though they might not seem so to him. He put on his sulky dog face and picked up his phone. I asked him not to while we were talking about it (and already feeling like he was dismissing us anyway!) but he didnt. So I went to bed in a huff even though he tried to come up and talk to me. He said "I wouldn't go if you weren't happy about it". Great so I'm the bad guy. Plus I spent all morning crying (in private! bloody hormones) about how much DD idolises her daddy, but given the choice he would rather choose something for himself over her...

Thing is, he is right about probably not getting another chance. But its also true that the bloody retreat do one, two or three days, so he could easily do the best of both worlds. I suggested going for a day to him but he pulled a face.

I said he is selfish for putting something he wants first when the only family time we have had all 3 together has been 4 days in the whole of 2016. He said I'm selfish because I guilt trip him out of doing anything he wants to. So AIBU?

P.S. For his week off, he has sent DD to nursery until 4pm, so had plenty of time to himself each day. Yday he suggested we went swimming which ended up in me taking DD swimming while he did a 40min work out and then wondered why we weren't still in the pool waiting when he had finished. My parents are having DD on Friday so he can go and see friends in a nearby city. Hardly under lock and key!

YANBU. When do you get to go on a retreat?!

I agree with you. And if he suggests swimming, he should be in the pool!

Those working patterns are awful for a family. I know that's no help, but the thing is he's NBU for wanting to do a retreat before DC2 comes and YANBU for wanting him to have the family time with you. It just sucks that doing both is impossible and there's a crazy amount of pressure on this rare and precious time you have together. If there was some way you'd also get a break/he'd make it up to you Big Time, then I'd let him go on his retreat as there'll be lots more xmas shows etc with both DC for years to come and your 2yo very probably won't remember it anyway (although it's still a lovely thing to do and would be nice if your DP wanted to come too). But you'd NBU to put your foot down as although it's understandable he wants to go and would be nice if he could, you're both under pressure and need to help each other out so it could very justifiably be his turn to be there for you all.

To be honest, if I asked for time and it was in his power to facilitate it, he would most likely say yes but definitely in a "next time I ask you better say yes" type of way. But if I was offered the unicorn dust of family time, it wouldn't even cross my mind to buggar off on my own!

Am I right in thinking that offering him to go for one full day and miss one of the activities is fair then?

Thing is, if he goes now I will be miffed all weekend when it was meant to be special. And if he doesn't go, I wont really feel much like doing the happy family routine when I know he would rather be else where!

Thanks for bothering to read all that waffle! xxx

I think one full day away for him is a very fair compromise. And really it's win-win for him as he'll get time away and family time. And if he acts like family time is a bad thing, then he's a twat. Hopefully he isn't though. It does sound mainly like you're both victims of these mad working time circumstances. Really hope that'll change over the longer term, and I guess shorter term at least you'll have time together during mat/pat leave.

Thanks for the replies, will try and suggest that again to him this evening, I feel like its fair too... Feel mean that I have been given this "leisure time police" role but dont really know what else to do.

I know the working hours are rubbish for family time, hopefully it wont always be like this, but luckily it means that for 4 days a week one of us is at home with our daughter and he can meet her from nursery each afternoon before I get home and he goes to work... At least we dont have time to argue much! ;)

I think he's being unreasonable, particularly with the swimming & nursery detail added in - he could compromise on a one-day retreat but he had to sulk & make out you were the bad one when stuff was already organised.