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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to return these children's presents and not buy them anything?

22 replies

User090902138758934 · 07/12/2016 08:21

Ok, I know I am. I'm just so pissed off.
DH has a best friend. Let's call him Ben. Ben has a wife called Sarah. It was DD's birthday and Ben said he had a present for her. Lovely. DH saw him around 5 times in the month following DD's birthday, including at Bens own house, but no present appears. No huge deal, especially as DD isn't old enough to wonder about it.
Then around a month after DD's birthday Sarah says they'll pop round in about half an hour with the present. An hour passes and no sign, so I tell DH we really need to go out and do jobs as planned before DD needs lunch etc. So he tells Sarah we unfortunately can't wait and we can get it another time or they can leave it outside. She tries to make us wait and I get annoyed with DH as he always wants to answer to their every request. They would never do the same for him, and another 5 minutes to them is usually half an hour or so. We end up going out.
Anyway, yesterday I find out that Sarah was very annoyed with us and said to Ben at the time that she won't give the present to DD as she was so annoyed. I'm so pissed off that they would "punish" a child as we weren't willing to do what they wanted and waste our day waiting around for them.
For context, when it was their DS's birthday I tried for a week to get his present to him on time but they were always busy (they are always "booked up" months in advance doing nothing). We ended up taking it round I think a day after his birthday. They didn't seem grateful for us taking it round and we either never receive a thank you for gifts (verbal or otherwise) or we get a fancy thank you card around 6 months after the event. I think it would be more polite to just say thank you at the time or a quick text. This includes well thought out personalised gifts etc.
Before anyone says it, no I don't seem to like them much. This is the last thing in a long line.
I've organised xmas presents for the children and feel like returning them. I realise IA probably BU as I'd be just as bad as them. Plus DH would then just organise presents himself so it's a waste of time anyway. I'm completely ready to hear IABU

OP posts:

acornsandnuts · 07/12/2016 08:28

I would give them this year then suggest no further gift exchanges. Say with growing extended family you are cutting back where gift money is spent.

I had a frenemy like this. Ended up not seeing her at all now because of her demands and turning up hours late and her being pissed with me for not waiting in. Stuff that.

Original poster

User090902138758934 · 07/12/2016 08:32

Thanks acorn that's good advice. I'm not convinced either of DH's 2 best friends will give presents this year anyway. I suggested to DH that we buy them presents and if they don't seem like they will be exchanging gifts we can save them for their birthdays in the next month or so. I suspect that although DH agreed he will want to give them anyway. I think besides anything else it would avoid awkwardness if they haven't bought for DD and we give to their children

OP posts:

Original poster

User090902138758934 · 07/12/2016 08:35

I think this is getting to me more than it should as I have a childhood friend with a now teenage daughter. We never see each other due to distance, but I have sent the daughter something for every birthday and Christmas since she was born. Now that I have a DD I have only ever received one thing from her. I'm finding it hard to know if I should stop. Is she hinting that I should? Or am I punishing the DD if I stop?!

OP posts:

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 07/12/2016 08:43

I wouldn't buy presents for people who didn't have any consideration for my children.

Re: the 15 yo - she's old enough for you to stop buying without it being a punishment.

If anyone queries no present this year, just say - As your DC never get anything from them, you thought that they wanted to discontinue present-buying.

Toerags.

Crumbs1 · 07/12/2016 08:44

If you want to give presents do so with the joy of giving and good grace not because they give you one. How can someone be cross about another person giving a present? Sounds like you are cross about their lifestyle and they are a bit thoughtless so no big deal. It doesn't sound like friendship though. Friends are people you want to give to, want to be open and honest with and want to wait in to see. If presents are received children should always, always write a thank you note (or do a thank you picture if too young to write).

ofudginghell · 07/12/2016 08:44

I have a friend that never gets birthday presents to any of my dc or me and dh anywhere near birthdays. It's been happening for years.
I always make sure they all get theirs for the day.
This year after over two months before dd1 received hers and dd 2 another two months and nmine non existent I txt her and said let's just leave it from now on with present swapping because my kids and myself are always the ones left slightly disappointed and feeling not so important especially when other friends of said friend always get theirs on time.
It's not about receiving gifts at all but to me it's that they think enough of your friendship to make a simple thing important and if they can't I step back.
I've since also said no present buying for each other's dc for xmas this year as again it's an expense when they already get loads and it's another faff as we make an effort and they don't.
Takes the pressure off and stops you feeling like the only one making the effort.

Goingtobeawesome · 07/12/2016 08:55

I would be asking your dh what Sarah has on him that makes him tolerate being treated so appallingly.

KingLooieCatz · 07/12/2016 09:20

I honestly doubt the children involved are that fussed. If your friends struggle to treat their DC and you can afford to - please keep giving and expect nothing in return. If not, wind it up, most kids in this country have more than enough stuff and these other families possibly think you're slightly unhinged to keep this up and resent the obligation to give in return. DS doesn't get gifts from our friends and we don't give them. I'd rather not get into it. There's enough spent already.

ohtheholidays · 07/12/2016 09:32

No stop buying for his friends children and your friends child as well!

I normally buy Birthday and Christmas presents for all of my Great Nephews and Great Nieces(my Nieces and Nephews are near my age)but not this year,they couldn't even bother to wish any of my DC Happy Birthday and they never bother wishing any of us a Happy christmas and that really pisses me off and we rarely get a Thank You for anything we'd done for them all,got for they're children.

So this year I stopped bothering!We have 5DC,2 of our DC are disabled and I'm really ill and disabled now so if I can bother they really have no excuse at all,I only ever wanted them to wish my DC a Happy Birthday/Happy Christmas and a Thankyou I never expected anything above that.None of them are ill/disabled or have a child that is ill/disabled and none of them have a big family,so I've stopped buying for them all this year it sounds like you should really do the same!

Original poster

User090902138758934 · 07/12/2016 09:46

Thanks so much for all the replies. Just to clear up a couple of things, they are very wealthy so it's not a money issue. I think it's more a "can't be bothered" thing. They give off the impression that they have a lot going on in their lives and struggle to squeeze in buying presents/saying thank you etc. In reality they have exactly the same commitments as most people with dc.
We can afford to give presents so I don't mind spending money on people we care about and who care about us. I just feel the lack of consideration from them speaks volumes. If one of my really good friends didn't reciprocate with gifts but was a great friend otherwise and thanked me etc I would have no issue with it, especially if they were short on money.
I'm happy to continue sending gifts to the teenager as she is a lovely girl and the mum always thanks me. But don't want her to feel like she should be giving in return and just wish the whole thing would stop.

OP posts:

Original poster

User090902138758934 · 07/12/2016 09:47

Crumbs - no it's not a friendship. Although my DH still considers it one. They're his friends not mine and he's known them for most of his life

OP posts:

Original poster

User090902138758934 · 07/12/2016 09:48

ofudginghell - what did your friend say when you said no presents?

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stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/12/2016 09:49

DH needs to see his best friend on his own for manly drinks, and cut the family shit as you clearly don't get on. simple!

he should keep his friend but orient it towards 1:1 gathering, opr whatever other mates they have

Original poster

User090902138758934 · 07/12/2016 09:51

Ohtheholidays - I completely see where you're coming from. These friends didn't wish me a happy birthday. No card for any of us on our birthdays. It doesn't take much to just send a text. They're supposed to be DH's closest friends

OP posts:

Original poster

User090902138758934 · 07/12/2016 09:51

That's what's been happening for a while now stop

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 07/12/2016 09:53

Just stop with the presents. It sounds far more trouble than it's worth for all of you.

I'm sure they'd be as relieved as you.

SapphireStrange · 07/12/2016 10:06

They sound like weirdos. Disorganised, gaslighting and passive-aggressie.

Fuck the present.

WorraLiberty · 07/12/2016 10:23

They're his friends not mine and he's known them for most of his life

So why are you sorting out the presents?

Just leave your DH to it.

Original poster

User090902138758934 · 07/12/2016 11:44

Because DH is generally busier than me and I had some ideas of what they'd like

OP posts:

GoEasyPudding · 07/12/2016 12:09

Time to stop giving the Sarah and Ben for sure!

DH can carry on being friends with this pal but just don't do gifts.

I especially don't like the way Sarah made a fuss about popping round and then withdrew the gift. Super rude.

MrsSnootch · 07/12/2016 12:09

I don't think you are being unreasonable - they sound like freaks.

kath6144 · 07/12/2016 14:19

Just stop buying for them and for the teenager, simple as that.

Its not a case of only giving presents if you receive them, its about respect and so-called close friends caring about your family as much as you do theirs.

My DB is a twat, over the years he has bought my DC some presents but on many occasions has thrown his toys out of pram and not sent them anything. I continued to buy for my niece, but decided this year to completely stop, she is grown up, never contacts me direct, never thanks me, so why bother.

In comparison, my best friend from uni and I have always bought xmas and birthday presents. When she became DD's godmother, she then started buying for both DC. Since she never had (or wanted) DC, I make a special effort with her presents as I know she is buying for 3 against my 1 (even though money isnt a problem for either of us). And she made an effort last year to tell me she stopped buying for friends kids after 18 (when DS turned 18), but continued with god-children to 21. Fine, I had no problem as it was nice she had bought for DS up to 18.

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