To reach out to SILs Mum

[judadam]

Not an AIBU as such, more of a "am I overstepping/getting over involved?" - as I'm prone to doing so.

Background: SIL died a few years ago. I was very close with SIL before she died. I saw quite a bit of her family over the years. SIL never had a great relationship with her Mum - it went from strained to almost friendly by the time of SILs death. We supported each other a bit after SIL died and exchange xmas cards but little more now. I'm still in close contact with her brother. SILs Mum works in a nursery. SIL had a work colleague she was very close to, thought of him as like a son.

A few months ago, SILs brother told me that previously mentioned work colleague had been arrested on accusation of being a pedophile. Now, he has been charged with over 200 cases. At first it looked to be all teens (13-15) but now it seems there are cases of younger children too. SILs Mum is having a very difficult time with it all. According to SILs brother she's crying all the time, not eating and feels devastated and betrayed. She's been refusing help/support from everyone as far as SILs brother can tell.

I want to write to her to express that I have an understanding of how difficult it must be for her (my uncle was accused, albeit then acquitted of similar crimes when I was young), am happy to offer her my support and offer some advice.

The issue: I am renowned for getting overly emotionally invested in other people's problems. It has caused me some mental health issues in the past as I often neglect myself/my needs in order to support the other person. I have a compulsive need to get involved and try to help people. I really don't want to overstep the boundary though. I hope this makes sense. NC for this.

I suppose this is more of a WWYD? Apologies.

I wouldn't get involved. You sound very similar to me.
This situation is very different to your uncle, it's unlikely to go away. There's a lot of emotion involved and I feel the subject matter is really tough when you get up close. Could you send her a card and tell her you're thinking of her?

The issue: I am renowned for getting overly emotionally invested in other people's problems. It has caused me some mental health issues in the past as I often neglect myself/my needs in order to support the other person. I have a compulsive need to get involved and try to help people. I really don't want to overstep the boundary though.

You already know the answer to your question then, don't you? If this problem was unavoidably on your doorstep it would be understandable that you would get caught up in it to an extent. However, to approach someone you never usually see about something (that has a salacious gossip/scandal element to it) you've heard about third hand is just piggybacking on someone else's pain in order to get some sort of a kick yourself. It's a very bad idea. I wouldn't even send her a card. I think it's inappropriate and a bit invasive and presumpuous. No-one has died, don't try to insert yourself into someone else's troubles.

Wouldn't your SIL's Mum be your mother in law?

Regardless, stay out of it.

Red you can have two types of SIL you know.

If you are in touch with her son then perhaps you could focus your support on him? He must be worried.

My brother's wife is my sister in law, and her mother in law is my mother. My husband's sister is my sister in law and his mother is my mother in law. What am I missing?!

Is there a compromise? Maybe write to let her know you are thinking of her at such a difficult time but stop there. Don't older the advice or talk about your own situation previously. She must be having a tough time so it may be welcome to know she has support from unexpected corners but you don't need to get anymore involved

My sister in law is also my DH's brother's wife! Her mother is nothing to me at all.

My other sister in law is my brother's wife. Her mother is nothing to me at all.

The issue is with the SIL's mother, not the SIL's mother in law.