To expect 9 year old to know how to tidy up after themselves?

[LadyVampire]

My DSS won't put toys away when he is finished and when he has food/ drink in his room won't bring down plates or cups. He leaves things where he was last using them and I have to pick them up all the time. We have a 7 month old too so want DSS to get used to tidying up for when she moves more.

DH defends it saying he will "teach him". He's nine, knows he has to do it as part of earning pocket money and it isn't a comple task.

DH also ignores bedtimes and homework until last minute too.

If he's never been taught to do it then yabu to expect him to do it without being told.

Mine don't. They are 10. But it's my fault as I always pick up aftet them. I'm working on it!

My DS9 is quite good at picking up after himself. His big sister DD13 however is bloody terrible. I have brought them both up the same, some kids get tidiness and some don't.

my dd1 is 9. She is pretty good at putting her own stuff away. I tend to show her what needs done and let her get on with it.
I don't make a big deal of putting one thing away before getting another out, I just remind her that it will take longer to put it all away in the end.
The cups and plates would annoy me. If she didn't bring them down when she was finished, I would stop her having food/drink in her room.

I've explained to bring things down and put things away and that he has to do this to get his pocket money. I also ask him to do it before his dad takes him to his mum's he just doesn't bother. His dad doesn't do the "mean" bits of parenting but a 9 year old who is told he should put things away when he has finished with them so other people can use the area repeatedly and asked to bring stuff down should know to do them.

The cup had tea in from two days ago and he leaves pens around without lids on and one pen has now marked the sofa.

I'm not saying it's right but I would imagine it's the norm for most 9 year old boys.
My nearly 9 year old boy is very lazy. I don't want him to think that this is acceptable exactly but neither would I turn it into a bigger deal than it is.
His dad should be picking up after him if he hasn't done it himself though I think.

And no harm in introducing a new rule of no food or drink in bedrooms.

My DSD is 6 and has nailed this. Plates and cups go straight in the dishwasher, or if it needs emptying she will put them in the sink. Her toys go back up at bedtime.

I've no idea what to suggest with the plates and cups because honestly we've been doing this since she was old enough to reach the worktops! So it's just second nature now.

But with toys and other things, I would suggest telling him that anything left out after bedtime will be thrown away or confiscated. I did this a few times - would put things at the top shelf of the cupboard where she couldn't reach - and she would get them back after a day or two the first time and then longer if it carried on.

If it's throughout the day that it's bothering you, I'd suggest getting a box that you just throw his things into once he is done with them and refusing to clear up, and either that goes up and away and the bedtime or it gets confiscated.

It sounds really harsh but by 9 he should know that things need to be put away. His dad is enabling it but that doesn't mean you have to!

Also worth noting that I never nag her to put things away and always ask nicely. I wouldn't tolerate my DH demanding I tidied my mess up so I don't expect a child to react well to being told to do it either.

Oh lord please don't read my last post as a patronising stealth boast it's just that getting DSD to tidy up seems to have been something I've been lucky with so just hoping to help!

All posts have been great thank you!

I am sometimes too nervous to parent him because I'm not his mum and if he doesn't get his way he sulks and asks to go home and his mum and I have a rocky relationship (ex who weaponises/ is unpleasant) which is why it's frustrating with my DH as I think it needs to come from him first or at least a united front. I don't want to be made out to be a wicked step mother and have his mother be unpleasant to me.

I am going to ask my DH to do no food upstairs (he hates any of us having food upstairs so will be happy to do this) and the toy box up high where DD can't grab things. Will talk about making it part of his rountine before bed to tidy up toys.

I completely understand the not wanting to get overly involved in parenting in case you upset the status quo, but it is your home and you deserve it to not be a tip! Have you discussed your concerns with your DH? Regardless of you not being his mum you are still part of the 'parenting team' in your home!

Exactly Kelly. I have discussed so many times with DH and he is too chilled out. SAys he will "sort it" but when it continues doesn't change. IT's been on going over a year now.

I agree the parenting thing. I said I am happy to be a SM but told my DH it's all or nothing as I can't really ask DD to do these boring things but then not DSS. I won't have DSS treated one way and DD another. It wouldn't be fair.

How long have you been with your DH?

My stepparenting 'journey' (urgh!) Hasn't always been easy but we are in a really good place now and I think that's because of two reasons - firstly I've been helping to raise DSD since she was 2, and secondly because I have always had a really consistent approach. It's the whole 'firm but fair' thing and it has worked - my DSD is actually much better behaved and 'easier' for me than she is for my DH.

All I can suggest is ploughing on and getting your DH on board. Explain to him that it's important to you and that you're not comfortable leaving him to deal with it all the time. That actually it is your home and DSS is part of your family and he needs to do things the way the rest of the family are expected to (or will be expected to when they are older).

There will have to be compromise on both sides - for example saying that you won't expect DSS to tidy his things during the day but you'd appreciate it being done by bed time. DSD is really motivated by me praising her and telling her how important a part of the family she is and how I appreciate her mucking in like the rest of us. I would never suggest a person thank their partner for 'helping' with housework because it should always be a shared responsibility anyway...but it's different with kids and putting an emphasis on them being so helpful really does encourage them

We've been together 3 years. Things were great in the beginning but his ex wife is bitter him moving on as she feels he should be eternally punished for their break up (mutual break up, 5 years before I even met him at which point she was living with a new bf anyway!). She uses their son to control DH/ cause upset (banning me seeing him when I told her she can't treat people like this, banning DH when he wouldn't go to hers as I was ill with hyperemesis etc) and DH is so scared of losing his son he just complies regardless of impact on mine and DSS relationship, his and DD. He syas the right things but actions rarely follow, threatens to walk out everytime I want to talk and won't accept my asking for a break.

I have suggested the toy box up high from DD and making the tidying up part of his bedtime routine ie bring cups down, toybox goes up and remind DSS that if he doesn't do it = no pocket money and the money he has is frozen ie so he doesn't think "I've got X amount to spend anyway".

I was awful at that when I was kid, I wasn't lazy just forgetful and disorganised, I also found tidying an entire room overwhelming (still do!). I would just gently remind him, and maybe have some incentives so it's a positive rather than negative thing. Definitely try to incorporate it into his routine so it becomes a habit and make sure it's very specific expectations (e.g. check of cups before he comes downstairs)rather than just be "tidier" which he's likely to take as a personal criticism.

It's time for the Mumsnet Mantra.

You have a DH problem not a DSS problem.

I agree the issue is my DH and not my DSS. I told my DH several times that DSS is doing what lots of children do, there is nothing cruel, malicious but that as his dad DH has a responsibility to teach him things. But I'm fed up of my husband and loads of broken promises of how things will change and it doesn't. I genuinly don't know how to get it into his head and feel trapped not just tidying up but telling his ex to back off etc.

Ha I am training my two year old to take his plate/bowl/cup whatever to the dishwasher. I hope he does it himself by the time he's 9 but I am not holding my breath. It hasn't worked with his sister who is 18 and still leaves stuff in her room for weeks on end until I rescue it. It's just kids for you