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Original poster

Feeling bad about friend's birthday

13 replies

Clothears123 · 06/12/2016 12:20

In September my husband and I sent a birthday card and a voucher to a mutual friend for her birthday. A few days later we found out it was a special, landmark start-of-a-new-decade type birthday. My hubby text her and said we didn't realise we'd take her out for a meal in a few weeks. With one thing and another, nothing major though, we haven't been in touch and now here we are in December. I've kept meaning to text her to arrange to meet but I just don't do it. Without going into detail I find it hard to just call people out of the blue, I wish I could but I can't. Now I feel even reluctant to email or text because we've left it so long and so it goes on even longer. It was my hubby's birthday a week ago and she always sends a birthday card but this time none came. I was thinking maybe she's got a present and thought she may as well wait till we meet for that meal so she can give it in person, but she didn't even text.
I don't even know what I'm asking but I feel crap about it but somehow powerless to do it!
Can anyone else identify with this?

OP posts:
Candlestickchick · 06/12/2016 12:22

Could you just text her and arrange something for January? I think it is a nice gesture to take her out as well as send her something and doubt she's upset about a bit of a delay. If she is, she is ungrateful and unreasonable.

NavyandWhite · 06/12/2016 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Footinmouthasusual · 06/12/2016 12:24

Exactly what candle said

cheekyfunkymonkey · 06/12/2016 12:24

Just text her and take her out Xmas ConfusedWine

MyPeriodFeatures · 06/12/2016 12:26

If you didn't know it was a landmark Birthday then perhaps you really aren't as good friends as you think and it doesn't matter as much as you think it does?

Friendships drift and change.

ClarissaDarling · 06/12/2016 12:27

But it's not like you didn't acknowledge it!

LoftDweller · 06/12/2016 12:30

I'm not sure why you're feeling bad. You remembered it was her birthday, posted a card and gift, then followed it up with a message. She didn't even bother with a text for dh?

Good friends know that life gets in the way sometimes. I don't think you are the bad one here.

SaucyJack · 06/12/2016 12:31

Do you know her extremely well? Is there a reason you think you have a duty to go above and beyond for her birthday? The card and voucher was a nice gift.

I'm sure she'd be bemused/mortified if she thought you were stressing out because you thought you "owed" her a birthday treat.

(And if she isn't- she's a grabby bitch)

If one is anxious type then you can often read a significance or intent in other people's behaviour that often isn't there. They've simply been living their own life.

Original poster
Clothears123 · 06/12/2016 12:44

To be truthful it's a funny situation. She was my supervisor for several years and we did become friends but part of the reason I left was because her constant moaning about the job and at work was really stressing me. But I understood where she was coming from regarding her complaints and I did think she was put upon by a lot of other people and at heart she's a good person so I sort of felt sorry for her but could not stand hearing the constant whinging any longer. We've been meeting up every 4 months or so since I left work for a meal and a chat and the last time we met I think was August and I did enjoy her company. But we don't have much contact in between, partly because that's how I am and I'm not a frequent phoner, texter or emailer to anyone in my life - long story to explain. Dreading meeting up with people is part of my own issues but at the same time I sort of feel obligated to remain friends and not wanting to upset her rather than a genuine want to be friends - again, due to the way I am. I think this is probably my confusion and mixed feeling manifesting - the truth always comes out in the end.
Part of the problem is that we did promise we'd take her out for a meal, our treat, but she is married and so it's a bit awkward as how do we take her and hubby out and only pay for her meal? But seems silly to pay for both and I don't think they'd let us anyway....

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 06/12/2016 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gottagetmoving · 06/12/2016 13:46

Perhaps it is time to let this friendship go?
How important was it? You didn't realise it was a landmark birthday..but you did send a card and voucher, which is perfectly acceptable.
If your friend is offended then is she really a true friend?
If she retaliates by ignoring your husband's birthday,..is she a real friend?

You have become all stressed about it and I wonder if it is worth it for someone you once worked with?
There is NO obligation to make a big deal of a landmark birthday for someone who you are not really that close to.

YelloDraw · 06/12/2016 13:51

Part of the problem is that we did promise we'd take her out for a meal, our treat, but she is married and so it's a bit awkward as how do we take her and hubby out and only pay for her meal? But seems silly to pay for both and I don't think they'd let us anyway....

Um... yeah you go on your own and take her on her own, or the two couples go and you buy the meal for everyone.

Original poster
Clothears123 · 06/12/2016 15:07

Thanks, guys, you're all great for replying. I will let you know the outcome.

OP posts:
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