The pressure of Christmas expectation

[Mummyyummy2012]

My mother is a bit of a 'hyacinth bouquet' (keeping up appearances) and it puts a lot of pressure on at Xmas as she has high expectations present wise.
We are skint and putting the focus on our DC's having a special time- DP and I aren't even buying each other presents this year and we are having a low key day (which is what we prefer anyway)
I have wealthy step- siblings who always buy my mother and her husband expensive gifts/ experiences and it puts huge pressure on me as I am her actual daughter. I get loaded comments about what the step siblings have bought etc and it's made clear that we don't match up. I don't think I am very good at boundary setting and every year Xmas makes me feel a total failure.
Aibu to ask for advice on how to handle this?

I would talk to her. She is an adult. Just say that you are focusing on making it as special as possible for the children and financially all goes on them. The magic of Christmas is to focus on children not some stroppy parent who is looking for financial one up man ship. I'd even make her gift so it is something precious and thoughtful but costs nothing - and no expensive gift can match. You are setting yourself up for heartache if you get involved in this shite. Focus on your dp and dc.

What Ruby said. To me your mum has not really got the point at all.

Could you find something tgat looks really expensive but isnt? ( Glassware in a charity shop is great) Then go on about how expensive it is!
Fwiw my sister gets most of her gifts from John Lewis whereas i got her a £7 gift from the range but my gift is just as lovely. Why mention the price?

Last year the step children got them an iPad and all they have done is go on about it- we could 'only' afford to get them a £50 voucher and that stretched us tbh - it's just horrible

Don't try to compete! Give what you want to give, and as others have said, make it something personal.

I wouldn't get them anything with that attitude. Would just say nothing would be good enough anyway so I'm saving the money for the children

Give them charity goats and relax on the unassailable moral high ground.

This is your mother, speak to her. Personally if my daughter gave me a dog turd on a leaf I'd treasure it because she's given it to me.

£50 voucher is a lot, she should have been happy with that. Big gifts lose their meaning because not a great deal of thought goes into them.

Could you buy a box and fill it with her favourite Christmas food / drink? That's really thoughtful and hampers always look a lot more grand than they actually are.

Actually scrap the hamper and go with the goats! that's brilliant!

Tell her in advance. Invite her round for a "Pre Christmas Mother and Daughter Lunch" to make her feel special. Then say "This is actually part of your gift...we're broke and I can't spend much so thought that a special tea would make up for it."

Then smile as you serve her some homemade cake.

My mum feels that the price of the gift somehow indicates how much she is valued and loved....it's horse shit and I get more annoyed about it every year and every year her gifts from me get smaller and every year my siblings go bigger. Spending money on large gifts does not make her happy, she just starts chasing the next "I want".
You can't change your mum - You need to distance yourself from her distructive feelings surrounding gifting. She will continue to associate money with love.

Just tell her that you don't have much money and while it's lovely that the step-siblings buy her expensive presents (try not to snarl at this point) they can afford to; you may not be able to spend too much on her but it's still given with the same amount of love and you'd hope that would be preferable. Plus you've given her grandchildren and what could be more special than that? (and try not to vomit)
If she doesn't get the message and still goes on then she's a crap mother and doesn't deserve anything. At which point you should give up trying because you'll never succeed. Your DC are the important ones.

That is a really sad situation. Your DM sounds very shallow. I would defo go with the charity goats. You can certainly then claim the moral high ground. It seems such a shame that she would not value something hand crafted. Takes so much more thought and effort than popping down the shops. I know which I would value more.

I personally think £50 is more than enough to spend! Your mother sounds shallow and materialistic, and your step siblings enable this with their expensive presents.

I'd concentrate on the kids and get her something inexpensive. Love is not measured in pounds and pence. She needs to learn that lesson - the goat sounds a good idea!

I wouldn't give vouchers- they point out exactly what you've spent. I'd try to box a bit clever.

Just be honest and tell her you can't afford it.

If she replies with any passive aggressive "look what so-n-so bought me" nonsense then ask her which DGC present you should return to bump up her Christmas spend.

I frame pictures that DS has painted for family presents.
We've had the Pollock 'phase'
Klein phase
Dali-esq/Picasso 'homage'
Robots
Hepworth (can't quite see what it is) sculpture phase

All gratefully received