To be angry and upset with dp over Christmas tree?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Dp up until a few yrs ago never celebrated Christmas. He isn't a big fan of it even now, hates all the commercialisation and pressure to buy plastic tat etc.

I love Christmas however this year is a little sad for me because I have to work Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and therefore can't make it back to see my family on Christmas Day. We will be spending the day with his family but it isn't quite the same and I am a bit down that I won't be seeing my family.

Anyways, we went to the supermarket earlier and I said I wanted to get a Christmas tree while I was with him as I can't drive and needed him to take it home in the car. I wanted a 6ft one but he absolutely refused, said it wasn't too much money (was £25) and I should get the 3ft one instead. We are a bit short on money at the moment but a 3ft tree is just so small and not Christmasy to me. I relented in the end and got the small one but it looks so rubbish just shoved in the corner.

Am sat here crying because I'm just so sad. I'm fairly sure iabu because it's just a stupid Christmas tree and in all honesty the £20 I saved not buying the bigger one can be spent on other stuff (and we really have no space to put a big one) but aibu? My sister was supposed to be coming round in a few days so we could decorate it together and do Christmas stuff but it's so small it seems a bit pointless

[notangelinajolie]

Awww sorry about your tree . I think your DP is being a little bit insensitive especially now that you aren't going to see your family. My tree is 20 this year and is looking very sorry for it's self but after the lights and decorations are on it's looking a bit better. Each year I tell DH I'm buying a new one and each year he groans about the cost and we don't get one. Come January when it's all over I'm always glad we didn't replace it - we don't have a lot of spare cash and January is tough.

I tried decorating my old tree really BADLY one year to make a point of how sad and tired it was looking but it backfired and DH never noticed the difference. Everything clashed, half multi coloured/half white lights, wonky star ... that kind of thing. You could try that but you'd probably be better off making it look nice and putting it on a table

[llangennith]

YANBU. You're not really crying over having a small tree, you're sad that Christmas isn't going to be what you wanted and the tree was going to be the high point. The one good thing!
Decorate your smaller tree with as many lights and baubles as you can fit on it and then take a selfie in front of it

[HeddaGarbled]

This is one of those things where you are getting upset about the tree but really you are upset because:

You have to work over Christmas
You can't see your family over Christmas
Your husband is being uncaring and dismissive of your feelings and a tightwad over the cost of something you want

You can't change the first two but the third needs to change. Here's some suggestions:

Learn to drive so you aren't so dependent on him.
Order the tree you want over the Internet, home delivery.
Make it very very clear to him in no uncertain terms that Christmas is important to you, that not being able to see your family over Christmas is making you unhappy and that if he cares about you being happy, it would be a thoughtful and loving thing to do to stop being such a grinch.

Failing all that, don't buy him any Christmas presents, what with him disapproving of commercialisation and not wanting to spend any money.

[rosenylund]

I totally get this; we had murder last christmas over my dad buying a fake reduced tree for 20quid after 50 odd years of beautiful real trees. So much so that for my mums birthday we got a photo book of all the trees we'd had since they were married. The only thing my mum asks for is a real tree - it has so many memories for her and us. It's not just a tree, represents Christmas in our family.

We are Christmas mad though

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Thank you for the suggestions everyone. TBH it's not just the money issue it's the fact that dp doesn't want a big one because we don't really have the space for it I'm going to try and make the best of it but my heart isn't really in it this year.

I would call in sick but since I'm a Christmas temp who is hoping to get kept on after I don't think it would do me any favours.

Dp did actually moan about me getting him a present because then he has to get me one

He is generally nice but has a real 'thing' about Christmas & birthdays, both of which are important to me. He was raise JW and although doesn't follow it now both of those things hold no significance for him and it's like he just doesn't get why it's a big deal to me.

[Cuttingthecheese]

Ah, I see. You are with my ExH. LTB it won't get any better.

[MimiSunshine]

It's not difficult to have empathy, you may not get it but you just have to accept that something is important to the other person and respect it.

Therefore IMO he's choosing not to get why birthdays / Christmas is important to you because he wants to be oh so above it all.

I'd be tempted 'not to get' something that is important to him so that you can show (not tell) him how it feels but it's a slippery slope into game playing

But in the tree front if you don't have the money or the space for a big one then YABU

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

How long have you been with Grinch?

Frankly, his miserable attitude would have me thinking about the relationship. Life's too short to spend it with someone who is oblivious or just doesn't give a shit, about your feelings.

[intheknickersoftime]

The fact he was raised as Jehovah's witness certainly explains a lot in your op. If he's never experienced a family Christmas I guess it's not going to matter to him. Most people want that feeling they had as a kid at Christmas and he just doesn't have that as a reference point i suppose. You are going to have to talk about it. Christmas will always be utterly miserable if you don't. I can kind of forgive him somewhat about Christmas but not buying you a birthday present is a bit much though.

[Sybys]

I think its harsh to call someone miserable because they were raised in a faith that doesn't celebrate Xmas.

I get why the OP feels sad, but she also seems to be of the opinion that they don't have space for a big tree, or the money. If they don't have the money and he wasn't brought up to celebrate Xmas, it's not that surprising he doesn't want to do a gift exchange.

Its unfortunate re. the OP's shift pattern really, hopefully it won't be the same in future years.

[DoubleCarrick]

Op, my DH was raised as a jw and I've insisted from the beginning that even if it's not important to him he has to play along because it's important to me. I made it very clear when he didn't buy me a card for my birthday that it was important to me and non negotiable.

Saying that, this year for various reasons we have had to have a small tree this year. Dh was pushing for no tree but I threw a pregnancy hormone induced strop in Homebase at the weekend before agreeing that dh is right about the small tree. throwing a strop is very unlike me, by the way

[oldestmumaintheworld]

I agree with Hedda, your partner needs to get a grip and be much more kind and thoughtful of your needs and feelings. OK so he isn't in to Christmas, well he needs to get on board for your sake and be more sensitive.

[Sybys]

Failing all that, don't buy him any Christmas presents, what with him disapproving of commercialisation and not wanting to spend any money.
Well he grew up in a faith that doesn't celebrate Christmas, so I don't think that will be too jarring for him.

[Pluto30]

He should be making an effort to understand your love of Christmas, but, equally, you should be making the effort to understand that he's not into it and the reasons why. Growing up a JW, regardless of whether he still follows it, will have had a big impact on the way he views these things.

[Hysterectical]

He sounds horrible. I can't believe how mean and horrible some people are. It's crap that you have to work and won't see your family. You are presumably working to earn extra money, you have a right to spend it.
You are totally reasonable and I really feel for you. Go and buy the big one and put it in the spare room along with all your favourite books and move in.
It sounds lonely and bleak for you.

[Scrumptiousbears]

When you have a boyfriend you are trying them out for size to see if he fits. If he dismisses what is important to you he does not fit. This is not a match made in heaven, is think about re looking at you relationship with him.

[mum2Bomg]

Get some mulled wine going and put on a Christmas CD - make the most of the teeny tree if you can

[mum2Bomg]

P.s. Ours is a tiny real one which we are going to try and keep alive in the garden for a few years

[Mirandawest]

If he was brought up as a JW, are his parents still JW? What will be happening on Christmas Day when you're spending it with them?

[HaveNoSocks]

Maybe it's more a case that you're upset because your DH seemed like he didn't care about christmas on your behalf rather than the tree itself. Fair enough he doesn't like xmas but it would be nice if he pretended to get into it a bit on your behalf, especially since you won't get to be with your family this year.

[specialsubject]

A big tree doesnt fit so you have the right size one. And you are blubbing?

May this be the worst thing that ever happens to you.

[LagunaBubbles]

Are you for real?? This is a joke right? I mean, you have to be joking? You cannot be genuinely crying because your Christmas tree is too small

What a nasty and pointless post. Plus you have totally missed what the bigger picture is and what is really upsetting the OP.

[littlesallyracket]

Are you for real?? This is a joke right? I mean, you have to be joking? You cannot be genuinely crying because your Christmas tree is too small.

Oh for god's sake, it's clearly not just about the bloody tree, is it? The OP is sad because she won't be able to see her family for the first time at Christmas and decorating the tree with her sister was going to the only nice family Christmassy thing she was doing this year, and her DP is grumpy about Christmas generally so she's clearly feeling down in general. It's like that thing where you have a terrible day at work and hold it together, and then you get home and suddenly burst into tears when you chip a coffee mug.

OP, I understand your DP's point about the money and the tree itself really isn't that important, you can make it look lovely one way or another and if your sister is coming round, you can do something else that's festive instead. Maybe try making some mince pies or some other Christmassy treat, or mix yourselves some festive cocktails and wrap some gifts together.

However, I think you need to explain to your DP that although he isn't keen on Christmas, it's something that's important to you and that you feel upset that you won't be seeing your family, so could he at least try and be nice and help you feel festive? You don't have to try and make him go overboard, but just tell him you'd like you both to have a really nice special day together, as you won't be seeing family. Don't make out that it's his fault you're feeling down, but just try to help understand how you're feeling.

[LilaTheLion]

Op, I was brought up JW, and although I know it is a pile of nonsense and am atheist, Christmas still feels weird. I think not having the lovely childhood memories sucks the joy a bit.

However I try really hard and have a flipping massive tree and the kids and my DP have magic and stuff. It's a struggle though, and tbh if I didn't have kids I really wouldn't bother.

That said he should definitely be getting you a present and if YOU want to be all christmassy, I think a nice partner would indulge you.

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

Ok now I've calmed down and thought about it I realise dp wasn't right - a bigger tree would have Ben totally in the way and the money I saved can be put towards Christmas presents

Dsis didn't come round and we drank mulled wine and watched Christmas movies while we decorated the tree, it does look quite lovely so I admit I was being a bit u!