NC with FIL for years now this...

[keepbreathinginandout]

been NC with FiL and his wife for 8 years since we were told that we were no longer welcome in their home as FiL had banned his DSD's from visiting..so in tit for tat pettiness we were banned too. DH was understandably hurt and contact became very sporadic. about 2 years later we received a call from FiL to say "all is forgiven, you can come and see us on this date..and i've booked you a Hotel" DH lost his shit and told his dad "we're not coming, you have been very presumptuous that we would want to come and btw...what the fuck do you mean all is forgiven, we did nothing wrong" end of contact...until this weekend. MiL phones and tells us that FiL and his wife have apparently gone through a rough patch (he had a series of affairs) and he is currently living in a friends bedsit. and would love to see us over christmas. DH is adamant that we will not be seeing him. MiL and FiL have been divorced for 30 years but have a very friendly relationship still. MiL is now putting pressure on DH to "give in" ... her actual words were "stop being so stupid and stubborn" at which point he hung up on her. i took the next call..she repeated he was being stupid and that i was encouraging it. I politely asked her to stop calling her son stupid, and asked her where her loyalty lay? with her son who has done nothing wrong, or with her XH who had reverted to type (their marriage ended after his affair) and is now lonely, old and in need of a comfy place to spend xmas. at which point she hung up on me. DH doesn't want to fall out with his mum, but i feel that she is (as usual) putting someone else's feelings above her only son's. I usually get along quite well with her, but this has really pissed me off. Bearing in mind that in the time we have been NC with his dad, DH has been in and out of hospital, at death's door and has struggled with side effects from medication, surgery and just basically dealing with his condition. would IBU to tell his mum that if she insists on hassling DH about this, we will go NC with her too? stress makes his condition worse and i'm really angry with her for blaming DH when none of this has been his fault.

sorry for the long post.

YWBU because it is your DHs decision, but YWNBU to say The stress she is putting him under is making his condition worse, and you were not encouraging him but were going to support his choices.

Tell her (or get dh to tell her) that if she's that bothered he can spend Christmas with her.

Even more ridiculous after everything your dh has been through - presuming mil was passing that on as well.

RG2 I respectfully disagree- if op's dh is suffering due to increased stress then of course you need to tell both mil and fil that what they are doing is having a detrimental effect on his health.

I'm glad your dh has you as a "buffer". It would be a cold day in hell before I'd let a fil like that back into our lives and I would be having a serious think about how close is be allowing mil.

R2G. i haven't actually said to her we will go NC....but i will if she keeps calling her son stupid. as i stated, he hung up on her and as it stands, doesn't even want to send her a xmas card. i know when he calms down he will be ok with her, but i also know that both PiL are like dogs with bones...and wont give up until either told to do one, or ignored.
OhFour..thanks for the understanding post x

You might find it helpful to have a look at the stately homes threads. There is also a book by, I think, Susan Forward called toxic Inlaws- depending on your history/circumstances you might find it helpful too.

Fwiw your mil sounds utterly mad - how dare she emotionally blackmail your dh like that

Make sure you look after yourself too - being a buffer can be mentally and emotionally exhausting. It's horrible. But I'm so glad you're doing it because so many people would just buckle under the pressure.

"FiL and his wife have apparently gone through a rough patch (he had a series of affairs) and he is currently living in a friends bedsit. and would love to see us over christmas. "
No, he doesn't want to see you/DH over Christmas; he wants a comfortable gaff and good food and wine. Well tough - he sowed and now he's reaping. YANBU.

"MiL is now putting pressure on DH to "give in" "
MIL can just fuck off. Calling your DH stupid and stubborn is wrong on so many levels. It really doesn't sound as if she is likely to contribute anything positive to your lives, so I'd happily not have her in it.

If MIL is so friendly with him still, maybe she'd like to have him for Christmas!

Stick to your guns, your husband has been treated appallingly.

They need to realise you are adults and are quite capable of making your own decisions
I don't think YABU at all

You could stay in the middle and just say to MIL, "look ive tried to talk to him and he isn't happy about the pressure and has asked me not to bring it up again" then your mother in law will have no reason to try to keep bringing it up, sounds like she has never got over FIl and wants a nice cosy xmas together

thanks everyone. MiL seems to take FiL's corner at every available opportunity. She has gotten herself involved in this before (when we sent back cheque, uncashed..we were NC at that point and DH felt odd accepting a gift from someone we weren't talking to)
and she won't want him at hers, because her new husband wouldn't be thrilled with the old husband eating his turkey, so to speak... i really have no idea why she always insists on supporting her ex, when it's her son that needs as much support as poss at the moment. grumpy face.