Feeling insecure about a friendship - wedding party related

[Cornettos]

My best friend recently got engaged.

I am delighted for her and have been excitedly chatting away with her about her venue, dress, little touches etc. over the past few weeks.

I would think this friend would be my MoH if I got married but I'm getting the feeling that I'm not going to be in her bridal party. She has a sister that would be a bridesmaid I'm sure and a few other friends she is close to as well.

I would never assume I would be in her bridal party, clearly she should choose who she wants to. I know her fiance has spoken to his groomsmen so I feel she must have spoken to her bridesmaids as well? I don't feel I can ask her as maybe I don't want to have what I think I know confirmed.

I guess the situation has made me second guess myself and the friends I hold dearest perhaps don't hold me in the same regard. I think I have a number of friends but I don't have the very close friendships where I live and breath my friends lives and know the ins and outs of their day to days. I enjoy socialising but don't seem to have these very tight friendships that others perhaps do. I both invite and get invited out for drinks and to dinners and see various friends in the evenings and on weekends. I don't feel like a social outcast but perhaps my friendships are more on the surface than others?

Am I being unreasonable to feel a bit down about this and how best should I go about picking myself up / trying to be there more for my friends and form closer friendships?

Thank you for reading, I am grateful for any advice.

I hope it's not rude to give this a quick bump.

I've just been reading the AIBU about NOT asking someone to be a bridesmaid. I'm not sure the same politics are at play here! But it's good to see it from the bride's PoV.

I was also wondering, how quickly did you ask your friends to be bridesmaids, was it straight away?

I think sometimes we assume that because we consider someone to be our best friend that they'll feel the same about us, and actually they have other friends that, for reasons totally unconnected with us, they see in best friend light instead. It's crap (and I've been there) but it happens. Try not to take it personally.

It is tough - my closest friend is getting married and she hasn't chosen me to be one of her bridesmaids, it's a bit easier as she has only chosen family, but I know if I got married she would be the first person I picked. What's harder is that everyone keeps asking me if I'm in the bridal party & acting shocked when I say no

I have been to many weddings where the bridal party is family. I would not read to much into it.

I've not been bridesmaid, MoH for any of my friends, and didn't think much of it. I've always had a 'job' of some kind to do (I do a lot of sewing, so usually have something to make!), and I made sure that my friends played a part in our wedding (readings, music, making cakes) as I knew that I wanted my sister and niece as bridesmaids.
Ask her if she needs your help in any other way.
p.s. I know exactly how you feel about feeling more invested in the friendship than they are. I'm like this too, but have learnt to live with it - I think I'm just a sensitive soul.

In terms of being bridesmaid, I wouldn't read anything into that - many people will have their sister(s), his sister(s), cousin they've grown up with, etc. It doesn't mean your friendship is not valuable to them, just that they don't want a whole harem of bridesmaids.

That aside, does it really matter if someone you like and spend time with and consider to be a good friend, has other people they are very close to or not? I don't see a friendship as a monogamous relationship at all. I have some very dear friends that have other friends, or groups of friends that I@m not involved with. It's perfectly normal.

Totally understand your feelings, I have a big friendship group but I've not been bridesmaid for anyone- to be fair I only had my sister and sil to make it easier but gave 'usher' roles to my closest friends. I get sad because my friends have all had 2 children and I've not been asked to be godmother for any of them, I know it's silly to be upset about it but it hurts! So I don't think you are being unreasonable by feeling down- but sure you still have good friends!

I felt like this - the friend I'd describe as my 'best' had 4 others who I suppose she considered 'better'. In the end I realised that I'd have hated it anyway - seeing all the tasks they had to do inc getting everyone up dancing etc

I totally understand how you feel. I have 3 really close friends. My BFF was maid of honour and the other 2 were bridesmaids when I got married. All 3 have got married and not one of them asked me to be their bridesmaid. Totally gutted.

So I can't really offer you any advice apart from try not to let it affect your friendship. I'm sure your friend didn't mean to hurt you by not asking you.

Don't take it to heart and be reassured that you will have an even better time at her wedding by not being bridesmaid. Its hard work and the hen organising can be very tedious.

Choosing bridesmaids can be difficult, political even, just get pissed on the day and take loads of photos.

Thank you for your kind words and I'm so sorry to hear that others have been in a similar position.

backforgood I think your way of thinking about it is just the tonic. I still have an amazing friendship with this woman, we have a great time together and have looked out for each other in tougher times. Just because she has other people who she's also close with, perhaps closer than me, just makes her lucky, which she deserves, because she's a great person.

I do now think that bridal parties and 'ranking' friendships really can be a bit mean though!

I'm glad I can take my self pity to mumsnet and now brush it away (but maybe have a stiff G&T this evening!)

Lots of people dont have any adult bridesmaids- so children or nothing.

MOH are married women as by tradition bridesmaids are unmarried? And you are not married- so not sure why you would be a MOH?

OP as you'll have seen from the other thread, the people a bride asks to be a bridesmaid is not always the people the bride would consider herself closest to! Weddings are a political minefield and it may be if you're not asked, it's because that's the politically easier solution for the bride. Don't read too much into it