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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I should give up hope?

26 replies

GrandDesespoir · 04/12/2016 21:15

And, if so, how do I do that?

I have been single for over 11 years. I fucking hate being single, especially at times such as Christmas, but I am absolutely bloody useless at relationships.

If there were something else I had been trying to achieve with no success over a period of a decade or more - such as learning to drive, learning a musical instrument, a sport, or a foreign language, or completing a degree - I would definitely have given up by now. If I had been teaching or helping someone for that long without them achieving the desired outcome, I would have told them to give up.

I have tried every possible way of meeting people. I have tried 'not looking', because by rights I should then have met someone immediately. Hmm I have tried not thinking about it, but that is a little like trying not to think about food, or sleep. It works temporarily, but it's impossible to avoid triggers for very long.

I am full of anger, frustration and despair. I am not planning to top myself imminently, but I do know exactly how I would do it.

Has anyone else gone from desperately wanting to find a loving partner to genuinely making peace with the prospect of long-term, probably permanent, singledom?

OP posts:
queenbeeee · 04/12/2016 21:34

Maybe you are looking in the wrong places and/or being to eager
Try and be happy in your own skin and with your own life and u will find your partner. A close friend of mine is over eager talking about love on the first or second date. Not saying that you are.

icy121 · 04/12/2016 21:34

Have you tried meeting potential partners who are much older than you? It sounds odd but I've said to friends before to open up the age bracket on tinder or other dating sites... some people aren't made for people their own age if that makes sense? My OH is 18 years older than me.

girlelephant · 04/12/2016 21:46

Do you think part of your desire for a relationship puts pressure on a relationship developing? How do you meet people?

arizonastarr · 04/12/2016 21:51

Oh, I'm the same! I'm just not very attractive to the opposite sex, I think. Get described as "bubbly" a lot Hmm

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 04/12/2016 22:07

I really don't want to date someone in their late 50s or into their 60s.

I quite possibly do unconsciously put pressure on the relationship, but not sure how to prevent that.

I don't really meet people much these days, but as I said, I have tried everything (speed dating, umpteen different dating sites, singles events, evening classes, asking friends for introductions...).

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WipsGlitter · 04/12/2016 22:08

How old are you?

chatnanny · 04/12/2016 22:18

And have you done evening classes or other interests where you might meet someone? I am sad to feel your pain but don't really know how to help. But do keep venting here where there will be good advice. (Ignore the trolls!)

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 04/12/2016 22:19

I'm early 40s.

I'm also, FWIW, slim, reasonably attractive, cultured, educated to post-grad level, I dress nicely, have a variety of interests, a good job, a decent social circle, own my own home and live in a major city (so not obviously a numbers issue).

Plenty of men want to sleep with me (especially married ones in their 50s Hmm), but none of them wants a relationship.

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 04/12/2016 22:21

I'm saying this because I don't feel I need to do x (i.e. lose weight, find a job, leave a flat-share, etc.) before I'm ready to look for a partner.

The problem is internal, rather than external, I suppose.

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 04/12/2016 22:26

chatnanny Yes, as I said, I have done everything, including, but not limited to, a huge variety of evening classes at at least half a dozen different colleges.

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AllPartOfThePlan · 04/12/2016 22:26

Yes, I have. I decided I can't be trusted to make sensible decisions with men or pick decent ones and clearly my radar is fucking busted seeing as every single man in my life has cheated, lied, abused or used me. I asked what I really wanted from life and it turns out I wanted children, a home and enough money to not have to count every single penny all the time. Well I can do all of that without a man, so why was I pinning all my hope on finding a man to give me that?? I took myself back to school and got my degree, got some money coming in, used a donor and had a baby, now planning a second, and I'm too busy now to want a man. I have my daughter, that's what I wanted really. The man was only the means to the end, but it's an unnecessary means nowadays. Ok sometimes I would like some company or just someone to snuggle up to in front of the fire and a film, but it passes and I can get that from my cat. Plus I troll Plenty Of Fish now and then and immediately I'm reminded why I don't want to date!!!

WipsGlitter · 04/12/2016 22:26

I was single until early 30s. I was desperate to meet someone and that came though. I had an air of desperation. I also kept going for the wrong person.

icy121 · 04/12/2016 22:33

Well... I'd still consider older - or younger - men. Some men in their late 50s are dreadful -and married- but others aren't. I'd cast the net wider anyway. Unless you want a family - in which case I'd honestly go it alone. You sound in a position to be able to - own your property, good job etc? Plus you read about so many single mums on here who've been left in the lurch and they cope - and thrive - admirably and are amazing mums

icy121 · 04/12/2016 22:34

X posted with allpartoftheplan - fantastic reading that! Well done you :-) xx

FromAtoB · 04/12/2016 22:35

Are you sleeping with them? Contrary to all the books, I find a bit of sluttiness helps.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 04/12/2016 22:38

AllPartOfThePlan Thank you - that's quite helpful. I wouldn't be able to use a sperm donor, but perhaps I should think more in that direction. The trouble is I think I want a partner more than I want a child...

I almost wish there was something I could do, like a degree, that would make me feel like I was putting my life on a better track - at least then I could take some control - but I don't think there is.

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HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 04/12/2016 22:41

I met my dh through having therapy with the express purpose of helping me form a healthy relationship. The therapist helped me through those early stages when I tended to fuck it up by being overly keen. I'd talk any niggles or concerns over with her before saying/ doing anything.

Also my now dh was a male friend who I thought wasn't my type. The therapist helped me see that actually he is a fantastic match for me (and nice, and interested in me, and available, qualities that had been lacking in my previous choices....)

I'm not sure what I would have done otherwise. I really wasn't happy being single, and I wasn't able to 'love myself and other people will love you', it just wasn't happening sadly.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/12/2016 22:48

This might sound harsh but I honestly don't mean it like that. Have you considered counciling or therapy? I went for depression (regular suicidal thoughts included) and anxiety but I found myself looking at things in a way I hadn't before. There might be something in you that you can't see that is putting pressure on relationships or worse yourself and that's led you to a darker place. It might be something that you should try for a few weeks, I'd say give it the minimum 6 before making your mind up as it can take a few goes to feel you can open up and then a couple more to find something that really clicks. Some people do this as a weekly thing permanently like doing yoga or a class.
I think it might be worth exploring yourself a little to see that you're not worth giving up on Flowers

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 04/12/2016 22:48

Hopelesslydevoted Thanks, that's interesting to hear. However, I did say I've tried everything, and that includes several years of therapy.

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Graphista · 04/12/2016 23:00

Other singles will sense frustration desperation etc.

You say there's nothing you need to change about yourself (are you perfect? Hmm I can't think of anyone that is) but what about your expectations?

At our age the best people are likely to already be in relationships. Are your standards too high/unrealistic?

Again at our age people are starting to put on a bit of weight, maybe lose hair, may be coming out of a relationship and so not very well off financially or are affected emotionally by that experience. That's life.

There is no perfect person, you or them, there is 'a good fit' so I'm wondering if you're dismissing people early on?

My ex husband I wasn't immediately interested cos he was an immature playboy (turns out that was true Confused)

But most recent ex at first I thought he was a bit arrogant and had a weird chin Grin he was actually lovely we split because he really wanted a child of his own and I can't have any more. So nobody's fault really.

A good friend of mine now married 20+ years thought her husband was a scruffy immature prat at first! Turns out he is actually very hard working (construction) hence not being suited and booted when they first met, was only 19 so outgrew the immaturity and the prattish behaviour (which was partly influenced by a daft friend he had at the time who's now long gone).

WonkoTheSane42 · 04/12/2016 23:11

However, I did say I've tried everything, and that includes several years of therapy.

Yes, but in your first post you describe suicidal ideation so it probably wouldn't hurt to have some more.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 04/12/2016 23:20

Graphista No, of course I don't think I'm perfect! I just meant that there is no obviously off-putting element in my life that would be hugely unattractive to a potential partner.

MiddleClass Minimum six weeks?! See below...

Wonko I am still having it. On and off for about ten years, then without a break for the last eight or so.

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Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 04/12/2016 23:25

icy Practically I'm in a good position to have a child, but I'm infertile.

FromAtoB I'm not not sleeping with them, if that makes sense.

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wotoodoo · 04/12/2016 23:58

You are better off being single than married to the wrong man.

I have recently been a matchmaker for my bf who was married for 23 years (miserably despite having all the material trappings anyone could wish for), went through a horrible divorce and was happy to be single.

She has now met her soulmate who had been married twice before, also miserably.

There is magic in the world, there is always hope, but your anger and dispair is palpable, understandably.

I don't think inner reflection or more counselling is what you need at all. I think you need to have a more lighthearted approach, do things, go places that actually make you smile, be more selfish, put yourself first.

Treat yourself how you'd wish to be treated, may be go on a cruise or an adventure holiday. Doing things where there are plenty of men about so golf/leisure centres/shooting/cycling/running/hiking/travelling/gliding or even becoming a penpal for some lonely guys in the armed forces.

You need to rediscover the magic in life by enjoying life to the full by being kind to yourself and indulging yourself first and being lighthearted and friendly to everyone second.

Give yourself something to look forward to every week, even if it's volunteering to take dogs for a walk from a local shelter. Do something out of your comfort zone and keep challenging yourself.

Good luck.

Original poster
GrandDesespoir · 05/12/2016 09:16

wotoodoo I'm not sporty, but otherwise I do all those sorts of things. I've been on six foreign holidays this year, and I am always treating myself to nice experiences, going for days out, etc. I'm very good at that, but it doesn't help me to meet anyone.

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