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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu re my brother's step kids?

40 replies

Whatsername17 · 04/12/2016 20:31

Bit of a weird one, I'd just like some opinions really. The back story: my brother has Aspergers and bi-polar. He's 25 but has the emotional maturity of a teenager. He hasn't managed to hold down a job and is all in all a complicated and often frustrating individual. But, he's my brother and I love him warts and all. He's recently (about 6 months or so) begun a relationship with a girl of the same age. She has two children from previous relationships. They have been friends for a long time and I met her when she was at school 10 years ago and I was training to be a teacher. She always seemed a nice kid but I didn't know her well. My brother met her when they were 16 or so i think. From what my db says, I'm not sure that they have the healthiest of relationships as they both have mental health issues but I'm certain my brother loves her.
Now to the AIBU: my parents have met my brothers girlfriend twice. They are happy that my brother is happy - no issues at all. I've not met her or her kids but, I feel that as my brother considers them - the girlfriend and her kids- family, then they are family. I've bought them all little gifts for Christmas. My dh and several other people think AIB well, weird rather than unreasonable. I've had a few comments about how dd's girlfriend will find it strange one recieve gifts from people she doesn't know. In all honesty, I'm just trying to be nice and welcoming and repay the kindness my brother has always shown to my dd. He loves his girlfriends kids and it is really sweet to listen to him talk about them. I also feel awkward with the idea that I would send my brother home with a present and nothing for the people he considers his family. (They are spending Christmas lunch apart but the morning and evening together and I will see him at lunch.) I've just wrapped the presents and then got stuck on what to write on the labels so now I'm second guessing myself. Am I being weird? Should I have waited until we had been introduced? I've only bought small tokens so nothing massively expensive. My mum is of the same opinion as me and has bought them all presents too, but she has been introduced so can put her name on the label without them going 'who?!'. Over to you oh wise mnetters!

OP posts:

AngryGinger · 04/12/2016 21:08

Not unreasonable at all, oh and his sister have a very fraught relationship and I have only met her a handful of times compared to all the times we pop to his parents/ grandparents. We always send birthday cards to each other and I send one to her oh too. In terms of effort it's very little but it's a lovely gesture.

Not quite the same, I know. But I think you are being very caring and thoughtful, it might even start a conversation about who you are and an invite into their collective lives

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 04/12/2016 21:09

It's a lovely gesture - take no notice of the people who are complaining about it. It will make them feel welcome by your family, not just by your brother. You and you mam sound lovely.

Patchouli666 · 04/12/2016 21:09

Beautiful thing to do. Glad your brother is happy. My third daughter is autistic and hearing stories of acceptance like this make me look forward to her future.

MotherOfBeagles · 04/12/2016 21:11

I think it's lovely. My family are the same, if part of our family (e.g. My brother) is seeing someone and is serious and happy with them then we treat them like family. I found it totally weird meeting people that don't do the same! Now realise not everyone is like that but I think its sad and people aren't always as welcoming and friendly as they could be to new comers in their extended family.

Farmmummy · 04/12/2016 21:11

Oh I think it's lovely I'd just put your name and one kiss on the label and they will probably be really pleased

TataEs · 04/12/2016 21:11

i think it's sweet.
if she thinks it's weird then it says more about her than u imo

Original poster

Whatsername17 · 04/12/2016 21:17

Thanks everyone. I've just put their names on the gift tags. That way, my brother can decide how he chooses to present them. They can either be from him or her can say they are from his sister depending on how he feels. My brother buys for my dd so as a unit, they are reciprocating if that makes sense? It is a new relationship but they have been very good friends for a long time. Before they became a couple my brother was even her birthing partner for one of the children just as friends. I don't know for sure but I get the impression they have been on/off for quite a while but now it is official and seems steady. My brothers Aspergers means he compartmentalises the different parts of his life and we, the family, rarely get to meet his friends. He won't even have me as a friend on Facebook. Like I said in the op, he is complicated. This is the most settled I've ever seen him though.

OP posts:

MyPatronusIsABadger · 04/12/2016 21:17

How lovely of you, it's very thoughtful and I'm sure will be gratefully received.

Leonas · 04/12/2016 21:17

When my uncle met his wife (over 20 years ago) she already had one ds who was about 1. I remember my mum and gran having this same discussion and they decided to include him in gift giving at Christmas. He is now 27 and as much part of our family as his younger brother. I can imagine my aunt really appreciated him being included and didn't think it was weird at all - I think it's a lovely gesture x

paxillin · 04/12/2016 21:17

I think it is really lovely. I wouldn't write "Auntie Whatsername" yet, though.

MigsSlippers · 04/12/2016 21:18

I think it's nice. As you say your DB buys for your DD, the question is when your DB's girlfriend's kids become part of DB's family. And I reckon it's right to err on the generous side with that - if he is close enough to his girlfriend that you'd buy for her, include the children in that. There shouldn't be any obligation on the girlfriend to reciprocate because DB's gifts to you have already notionally become DB, GF and kids' gifts to you IYSWIM.

Text your brother and ask about the names if you're unsure. It might be a bit early to be an Aunty, and I'd be inclined to let them judge that rather than you.

MoodyOne · 04/12/2016 21:29

If he considers them family , so should everyone else ! I think it's lovely of you :-) x

LHReturns · 04/12/2016 21:45

Lovely thing to do. Don't think any further about it. I admire you for doing it.

In a similar vein my mother always buys gifts for my DH's two children from his first marriage. She is no relation to them whatsoever (step-grandma?), she lives in the US, they are only with us every other weekend and she has met them maybe 5 times in 4 years? Nevertheless, as soon as DH and I had our DS my mum felt good about doing nice things for his half brother and sister as well, and it has been hugely well received. At first there was certainly some confusion (from WHO exactly?), but she persevered and I think over time it has really helped my stepchildren to feel a very welcome part of my family also.

nancy75 · 04/12/2016 21:49

Op, I don't think it's ever wrong to do something nice.
You have bought them gifts because you want to and you think it's a nice thing to do - ignore everyone telling you otherwise!

JustHappy3 · 04/12/2016 22:24

He gives the kids in your life presents - you give the kids in his life presents. Sounds lovely and DEFINITELY not weird to me!

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