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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

teenager refusing to go to school

28 replies

Redcarfiesta2000 · 04/12/2016 17:39

Hello, has any one experienced their teenagers refusing to go to school. I have recently become a foster carer to my 14 year old grandson. I know the poor lad is suffering and finding it hard to cope with life at the moment and his refusal to go to school is the only way he can kick back at the authorities. Does any one have any idea how I can help him over come this. He has been with us 10 days now and apart from that he is settling in well. He is a lovely boy and the initial problem for him to be in this predicament was not down to him - so no behavioural problems up to now.

OP posts:
monkeysox · 04/12/2016 19:07

Ask his school and social worker for help.

DailyMailSucksAss · 04/12/2016 19:09

What are the reasons he's given you for not wanting to go?

DailyMailSucksAss · 04/12/2016 19:09

Could he be being bullied?

Leanback · 04/12/2016 19:16

Are his peers aware that he is now a 'child in care'. Kids can be really horrible about that kind of thing and his recent change of circumstance might be something he gets interrogated about at school.

I would second the pp about speaking to his social worker and school.

marvelousdcomics · 04/12/2016 19:25

Speak to school social worker.

I agree he may be being bullied.

ghostyslovesheets · 04/12/2016 19:30

as the social worker to arrange a Personal Education Plan Meeting - all agencies need to address the issue and work out how to keep him in school

His social worker really should be supporting him and you

haystack10 · 05/12/2016 00:07

Be careful though, it appears social work is often about child protection these days instead of support

Lauren20 · 05/12/2016 00:17

As a former child who pulled so many school sickies they were in their hundreds of days off, try to be patient.

I know now I drove my poor mum to her wits end, but it only transpired at the age of about 21 thay I'd suffered enormously with anxiety my entire school life.

I managed to go back into a more casual setting and pick up basic qualifications at the age 17. All a massive ball ache as I was never unintelligent, just couldn't cope in such a big educational setting. I found being in somewhere smaller with less people helped me.

Could it be social anxiety or something of that nature that's causing his unwillingness to attend?

lljkk · 05/12/2016 04:37

What is he doing with his time instead?

If he had a good attitude about school before then hopefully this is just a blip. I would try to just keep him talking -- about anything he's willing to talk about. Don't spiral around why he doesn't want to go to school, but you could unemotionally state the occasional words that he has to get back to regular school eventually, it might be easier to get that over with. Staying at home isn't going to make his problems better. He may feel like his life is so turned upside down that going to school doesn't matter if he's having trouble holding it together emotionally. Can't imagine being able to concentrate.

I have some experience: DS often skipped school. Ruddy truant but did have some emotional stuff, too.

pklme · 05/12/2016 06:54

Try and chat with him about it, but not from the position of 'you have to go back'. Try to have open conversations like: I wonder why you don't want to go. I wonder when you will be ready to go. How can I help you stay in touch with your mates etc.

Original poster
Redcarfiesta2000 · 05/12/2016 06:57

Thank you all for your replies - it's good to know there are people out there who can offer good advice. The authorities are already involved with my grandson because of his abusive father - hence I am now his foster mum. He was allocated a social worker - who is off sick! I am reporting to the team manager at social services every day and am liaising with the school. Prior to him being taken into care he was doing well at school and had no problems with attendance or bullying. It is early days but I did not want this to become the norm as his way of protesting. Thank you all x

OP posts:
Astro55 · 05/12/2016 07:02

School can work with you - this time of year heading to end of term can be exhausting - they are under a lot of pressure from staff about GCSEs and he's had a lot to deal with -

I wouldn't over worry about what one day off wouldmelad too

Maybe he's just testing the waters

Maybe he's tired out with stress

Good luck

Waffles80 · 05/12/2016 07:02

The school need to provide him with work that's suitable - and appropriate to complete alone - until he's able to go back in.

Penhacked · 05/12/2016 07:07

Thing is, he may well be testing the waters. He is still a child, and as we all no, children like routine and rules and firmness. So in a morning I would be getting him up, no messing about, no talk about if he is going, his emotional state etc. Just knock in door, open curtains, crack open window, brisk breakfast time like you would a toddler. The longer he doesn't go the harder it will be. He needs to know you have given him adjustment time but now we need I get back to normality. Don't let him think you are weak and let him go off the rails.

Penhacked · 05/12/2016 07:07

Know not no. I need to go back to school!!

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 05/12/2016 07:19

Is he worried that if he leaves you won't be there when you get back? He might be feeling majorly insecure.

DoItTooJulia · 05/12/2016 07:21

If he's been through a traumatic time, some time off might be what he needs?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/12/2016 07:25

There should be a counselor at the school who can help.

Waffles80 · 05/12/2016 07:52

Very, very few schools have councelors available / in school. Unless it's a private acboolZ

At ours you would need a referal through CAMHS.

corythatwas · 05/12/2016 07:54

He may be using this as a means to rebel or he may be overwhelmed with anxiety and unable to cope with one more stress factor in his life. Impossible to know at the other end of the internet.

My dd school refused for the latter reason. It took a long managed programme over several years to get her back into a normal routine, but our patience was rewarded in the end as she survived (despite suicide attempts) and is now able to hold down a job with excellent attendance.

Liaising with the school was crucial so keep on doing that.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/12/2016 08:06

Crikey,really? We are very lucky then even our middle schools have specific people you can go and talk to/ arrange counselling. Not private.

corythatwas · 05/12/2016 08:09

We had one, both at junior and at secondary.

Waffles80 · 05/12/2016 10:37

We had one when I was at school, 16 years ago. But all of the secondary schools I've worked in, in the North West and London, have had no in-school access to counselors. Some schools have 'learning mentors', who can offer useful support, but in my current and previous secondary school, these posts have been made redundant due to the very biting cuts (see also music, drama, tech and art).

I really hope your Grandson is able to get support through school, or through your GP. I can PM you some suitable work for him if you want something English-based.

mummytime · 05/12/2016 10:50

His Social Workers should refer him to CAMHS, he also needs to be referred to a specialist team for school refusers.

It is hard, but he does need time to heal before he will really be able to learn.
Is it a new school or his existing one?

JiminyCricket · 05/12/2016 16:59

Help him and staff plan a phased return to school (maybe after christmas - ) say returning is non-negotiable, but give a sense of control over how it happens eg am or pm, a full lesson or just a meeting with his tutor on the first day. Make sure the plan is in place soon and be firm with him in supporting it. The educational welfare officer might get involved, but this can be useful in terms of making it happen.