To have another baby

[Psychomumsucks]

I have two beautiful girls already, my first I nearly lost into the care system so her first few weeks were tainted (thought a dilated vein was a bruise wouldn't let her leave the hospital etc) my second I nearly lost from the day she was born (serious heart condition ended up needing transplant, in hospital til eight months old) couldn't be a mum to her and even now at 17 months old she is still tube fed etc. I have grieved for those first weeks and months for both my girls I have bad depression and finding life really hard, have an amazing partner who can be moody at times but has always picked up the slack when I'm at my worst. I yearn for another baby I need to be able to bring a baby home and have an amazing first months without something going wrong, I guess what I'm asking is will the feeling of needing another baby ever go away am I horrible for wanting a third even though I have my two girls and was happy at the thought of two before youngest was born and was so ill, am I selfish for just wanting that closeness and to be able to feed and wash and look after my own baby, my partner doesn't want another at least not yet but the wanting of another all the time is making me more depressed knowing it might not happen.

How would you feel about putting a pin in it for say... 6 months and then discuss it with your husband again. He may not be ready yet as your DD is still little and it's all still quite fresh with her being tube fed. He may feel ready after things have calmed down a bit? Does he say "no not ever" or is he more "I'm not sure"?

Both instances sound like very unfortunate events not anything you could have controlled. It's such a shame that both times you couldn't enjoy your new baby's I understand your feelings as I had horrible pnd and couldn't enjoy my child's first year at all. I would love to have another baby and hopefully get to enjoy it next time.

And what happens if something prevented new baby coming home with you straight away? Not saying it will but is entirely possible. Would you need to have another baby to fix that?

I think you should get some counselling to help yourself come to terms with what you've lost and then after you have done that see how you feel about bringing another person into your family. A new baby should not be to fix what went wrong before. It's a really unhealthy reason to have a child.

I think you should wait a while until everything is more stable.

I agree with JenLindley. Wanting a new baby to fix what happened before is a really unhealthy reason to have a child, and you'd be back to feeling what you felt before if they had colic or any other kind of problem. I personally think the joy of being a new parent should come in parenting the actual child (warts and all), not in some mythical idea of what taking care of a baby should be. Please please get some counselling otherwise you will be setting yourself up for more pain.

I do t think it's right to have a baby that's born with a job.

^don't

Honestly it sounds like a bad idea to have one now.

Deal with the grief over the first two births. It sounds like what you want is those first few weeks back. Not an actual baby.

When you are in a better more stable place. That would be the time to decide wether you actually want another baby or not.

Problem is, even if it did all go well, babies are still with you after the first few weeks. They could be with you until they're 18, 20, 25... They could have behavioural issues, learning difficulties, social issues. It doesn't mean it will be plain sailing just because you has those first few lovely weeks.

Sounds like you have your hands more than full at the moment, to be honest.

I get where you are coming from. I had a very stressful pregnancy, resulting in a premature delivery and a baby who spent her first weeks in hospital, never successfully breastfed and so on. I was incredibly broody early on and felt like a different experience would have been very healing. But of course, another pregnancy could have the same outcome or worse. Over two years in and I think I'm past that urge, so I would say wait a while and see how you feel.

Thank you for all the replies, to be honest colic wouldn't bother me it's more the fact that both times I had staff control how my baby was looked after and my second I didn't et to hold until she was four weeks old and even then she got agitated and had to be put down quick, my first I didn't want to hold often because I was convinced a new family were going to be taking her so I tried not to bond (we are so close now and thankfully bonding happened and I couldn't imagine not being her mum again) i understand that a baby isn't for the first few weeks, it's mainly just in those first few weeks with both my girls everything just went bad. You are all right though a baby wouldn't fix it no matter how desperately I feel it would, my partner hasn't said no but he wants to wait like 5 years which is very reasonable but to me seems ages. I barely cope most days and think I've led myself to believe a baby that I can look after from day one would fix it, does it get any easier? I've been wanting another baby every day for at least 8 months now :(

Sukey I know it wouldn't be plain sailing, I have no issues with loving a child who may have extra needs I think I've proved that already by moving country to give my youngest a chance at life! I just want to leave the hospital and feed my own baby and wash my own baby, not wait four months for their first bath only for them to start going blue, breathing going down heart rate up and making sure the ventilator wasn't in the water. I just wanted some normality, I planned my babies funeral I said goodby every time I left intensive care, I knew what I was going to dress her in and I knew where her plot would be, I grieved then gained then grieved the loss of her baby days again, my heads a mess I'm sorry for ranting.

After I had my second son I was very keen for another baby and my partner said no more babies. I was pissed off but of course accepted it. I'm really glad we didn't as things didn't work out for us and my youngest has lots of issues that didn't surface until he was about 4/5 years old. Of course that can happen with any family but I'm relieved I don't have a 3rd child on my own with possibly issues of their own as well.

In your shoes I would say 5 years is a good time frame to see where your family is by then and decide if a 3rd would be welcome or just another stress.

You can't change the past and having another baby to try and achieve a fantasy is unreasonable.

psycho you say this now but I had to take my nephew when she developed colic as the constant screaming made pnd worse. She had neice to try and get a good early weeks experience like you did, and ended up with even worse pnd and so it was me who was caring for her then too. I think like others have said - park it for a while until dd2 is better and then re-evaluate. Maybe in 2 years? So a nice half-way point between now and 5 years. In the meantime please get counselling as it sounds like you have some ptsd.

I'm awaiting help, I've gone to my go and still waiting to see someone. I know I need help and honestly I think I needed to hear it from strangers, I need to wait and see how things go instead of rushing into something I might not handle. I can hand on heart say colic would not bother me as I had to go over a year never hearing my second so much as breath, she had a tracheotomy so even now when I hear her cry it warms me and I like being able to settle her as before I used to have to sit and watch her get stressed.

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time OP. But as your partner doesn't want another I think you need to respect his wishes.

I think you underestimate just how relentless and stressful colic can be. It's really not pleasant.

OP. Glad to see you're getting help.

I've led myself to believe a baby that I can look after from day one would fix it

This is a VERY good reason why you should NOT be having another child. It would be incredibly selfish of you to bring a child into the world because you think he/she might be able to 'fix' whatever you think is wrong with you.

I don't mean to downplay your suffering - sounds like you've had a really hard time - but may I suggest counselling as a first step to come to terms with your experiences rather than a baby. Make an appointment with your GP as soon as possible - until you've sorted out your issues, your really are not in a fit state to look after a newborn.

*you're

Stupid phone!

OP I can relate to your feelings on some level, my son was a premie and although he came home with me soon after he was never a cuddly baby and just wanted to be put down. I also couldn't breastfeed and that has really bothered me and I really want to experience it. I'm glad I have the option to have another one but if I didn't I would be very sad.

In your case its much harder but you and your partner both need to be on the same page. Maybe discuss it in 6 months time as another PP as suggested?

Psycho, I didn't mean to sound harsh, and I would no way belittle what you've gone through. But a baby cannot fix the past.

2 out of sister's three babies were in intensive care at birth, and she didn't get those early cuddles. She found counselling helped enormously.

Thank you to the replies, yes that is exactly what it's like mscongeniality she is trying more cuddly but can't have a hug for long without pushing away lol but she loves kisses so we have that now.