A whopper, but I wanted to get this all down as it feels so entwined.
In short. I'm lonely. I'm not alone, I'm just increasingly lonely in day to day life and I feel that my DP doesn't prioritise our relationship, or when he does it's on his terms.
My DP of ten years is very career driven, in fact we both are fairly. We've helped each other through Uni and MA's and are both in careers that we want (mine's not perfect but is getting there). His is quite prestigious e.g. the kind a student goes to uni saying "I want to work at X". He loves his job and I'm really proud of him.
However, he works incredibly long hours. I can understand the occasional deadline, but every meeting seems to be critical. When we were studying, all nighters were the norm and in the early days of a new job when trying to prove oneself. But I feel that after 30 it just shouldn't be happening this regularly, no one has the luxury to be able to devote themselves to work so much. Life matters more now we have a house, and there is increasing baby talk.
FYI he is the breadwinner, but actually in his field of work he's on a relatively low wage. He's not an employee so there's an insecurity within his role that he seems to feel justifies his work life balance.
It leaves me at home a lot. So I end up doing most things around the house, organising stuff and cooking. Or alternatively doing none of the above out of stubbornness principal. I'm not a dejected housewife, as he does sort himself out but he'll literally just sort himself out. When I do things it's for "us" when he does things it's for "him".
I have tried to communicate my frustration but he just tells me that he'd love to have the spare time I have and I should be grateful I don't have to work as long as him. Or he tells me to find friends/hobbies. I was out of the house 3 nights this week socialising; I volunteer, go to social clubs, exercise and see friends - all great! But it's different to me, it doesn't fill this relationship void.
As an aside, none of his colleagues seem to work as long hours as often as he does, they do occasionally for a deadline. But I've started asking if "X" stayed as late and he'll say oh they're done or they had to go home to their kids. I'm just starting to wonder if it's bad time management on his behalf, like if you don't have a reason you consider significant enough to go home then why not prioritise the work you love? Also his childhood had a very 1950s upbringing his dad owns his own business and that seemingly gave him the God given right to prioritise his "hard work" over his family, meanwhile his mother held down a FT job, raised 3 kids single-handedly and managed the house. Basically, sacrificed her own life to provide his. (Yes, I have FIL beef)
Jesus this is long, but I'm so frustrated and it all boils under the surface and results in resentment. He then struggles to understand why I'm not affectionate, when he's just doing his best and providing for us (FYI he is the sole reason we could get a mortgage), when I feel like he's practically a stranger.
I'd love to have children with him but I'm petrified our current life balance would not change and it'd slowly drive me insane. 