To think I help my year 7 son with his homework too much

[Mintychoc1]

I'm sick of bloody homework. All through primary DS1 made a huge fuss about homework, and it was always a big drama having to sit him down to do it. DS1 does not have SEN - he's very bright - but he's ridiculously highly-strung and over sensitive.

Now he's in secondary he's just as bad, and I'm really losing patience with him.

He won't even think of doing it unless I keep reminding him, and say "right, time for homework". He then insists that I sit with him, help him with it, make suggestions, check what he's done etc. If I don't do that then he gets upset, cries, says he can't do it etc etc, and it all takes hours. In my experience the quickest easiest way to get it done is to supervise him.

If I did nothing and just left him to it, he wouldn't do it, or he'd do it badly. He'd then be so terrified of the consequences (hates being told off by teachers) that he'd find some reason to avoid going to school, make himself sick, something like that.

He's an angel at school - works hard, gets good marks, never in trouble.

Does anyone else have to get this involved in their child's homework? I remember just doing mine - I don't think my mum even knew I had any - I just did it.

I'm really getting fed up with how much time and effort I'm having to put in to his homework, and I can see me standing over him as he revises for his GCSEs in 5 years!

Let him get in trouble, if he makes himself sick take him in anyway. In our school punishments are carried over to the next day you are in, so if you have a ltdt Monday and are sick it's reset to the Tuesday etc etc

"hes an angel at school"

Me = giving side eye

Find a time when he has no homework to do (weekend or holiday) and sit him down and explain that, now he is in secondary, he needs to become more independent and attempt his work without help. Make sure he understands that you will help him if he genuinely struggling but that he needs to get used to using his own resources first: read the question a few times, try the Internet, check through what has been written etc. Make sure he understands that you won't support him with school if he hasn't done his best, and you will back the teacher on any sanction given for not doing the homework. Then make sure you are lavish with the praise when he does do a piece of work on his own. A half-termly treat might be in order - a trip, new game, extra pocket money?

Yes, you are. He is worried about not being seen as the angel at school by only handing in work that has already been checked - that's not your job.

I would still remind him daily (but only once a day) to check his homework diary but that is as far as it goes - the actual work is down to him.

PS I disagree with pp about giving lavish praise. He has to do it or he gets a dt - that's the way it is in secondary schools.

But the choice has to be his.

TheSnowFairy: How is giving praise for a job well done going to remove his choice?

I mean this nicely, but you're not helping. I know you think you are, but you are feeding this anxiety. He's bright and loves making you a principal actor in his Homework Drama. Stop playing that game.

Agree with Trifle - set aside a time to tell him of the new plan. Explain you have every confidence he will do his homework as well as he can and that it needs to be done ,say, between 5pm and to be completed by 7pm. After that time that's the end and if it's not done then he will be in trouble at school and goes upstairs to bed after his meal. Tell him he is not allowed to have a tantrum because he's not 2 and if he does there will be consequences on top.

Then relax - it's up to him. If he does it - great - be nice and casual - it's not a massively amazing deal - just say "good for you - knew you'd do it" and change the subject. If it's not done, equally calm, shrug and say "that's a shame - you will need to explain to your teacher you couldn't be bothered. Rather you than me. Oh well, end of the evening for you - let's have our dinner and then it's up to bed for you please. I'm sure you'll plan better tomorrow"

Detach. If there's a tantrum, ignore, tell him to stop and that there is a consequence if he continues.

It's all power play. You've got this, OP, just don't join in the game. Build up his own sense of responsibility.

By the way, this behaviour has developed into a pattern. He won't believe for a second that this prime actor is dropping out of the performance so you will need to explain it clearly in advance and bloody well stick to the plan.

The second you respond to a pleading cry for help and end up poring over the fractions with him, it's
Minty - 0 Mintyson - 1

I think you need to ease up on the 'helping' and let him get into trouble a bit. I was used to micro managing mine, but realised I need to pull back or I'd be sitting their GCSEs for them!

Your going to need to let him fail

Otherwise he is screwed when it comes to GCSEs

So if he doesn't do his homework, he gets in trouble at school

No bunking off, nothing

Stop enabling him or he will be one of those men in the future who needs his mummy to do everything

Routine helps here.
In my house, all homework starts straight after dinner on Mon-Thurs.
On the weekend, homework is done straight after lunch on Sunday.
You need to let him feel embarrassment about being told off. Helping him too much now is delaying the problem for later.

I've got 5 dc. I home ed the 3 youngest, but the eldest are in year 11 and year 8.

I make them a hot drink every day as they walk in the door and ask how their day was. Then, they sit at the table and do their work. We spend 2 hours every week night either doing homework or revision. I spend the whole time in the kitchen with them, testing them or reading over their work. They seem to enjoy the attention and it keeps them focused. Their grades have improved and they are more confident.

I think you should encourage him to do it alone, but agree to read over it once it's completed. Maybe he just enjoys the one to one time with you.