To be jealous of people with lovely, glowing pregnancies

[TicklishSpider]

(I know I am BU really, I just need some sense talking into me.)

I have been pregnant twice. Both times, I was vomiting before my period was late, and the sickness ramped up from there. Pregnancy #1 ended in MC at 8 weeks. Pregnancy #2 resulted in a lovely, wonderful now-2-year-old, but I was sick right the way through. Went through the usual selection of anti-sickness drugs, was moved to consultant-led care for a while to get on top of it, extra growth scans etc. Eventually ended up on ondansetron+cyclizine combo which got the vomiting down to 1/2x day, and got the nausea down to a level where it was still pretty awful but I could mostly keep working (could do a lot of WFH thankfully), but it was a miserable, bleak time until the baby arrived.

Anyway, a lot of my friends and colleagues have been getting pregnant and having babies recently. And they're all just handling it SO WELL, and they look so good and they're so clearly happy. And other friends are thinking about when to try for baby #2 or #3.

And I am happy for them! Mostly. I do want them to be happy. I don't want anyone to be sick. But. BUT. a big part of me wants to stamp my feet and shout NOT FAIR NOT FAIR, because I so, so want another one and I just don't see how I could manage it. I barely managed last time, and this time I'd have another DC to care for, a different job, a long commute. I think about not having any more DC and I want to burst into tears - but then I think about going through another pregnancy, and I still want to cry.

Obviously I am not being awful to the pregnant women I know or anything! Plus I know many of them might have dealt with even worse struggles than mine before getting to the happy point they're at now. And yet, I am still so effing jealous at the moment.

I need to get a grip, don't I?

YNBU. I could have written your post myself.

YNBU. However you should bear in mind that everyone struggles with parenthood one time or another (pregnancy, birth, baby years, toddler years, terrible twos, bullying, teenage years, you name it). Just take a look at the parenting threads on MN! My point is, you had a very difficult time with pregnancy but others will have a very difficult time somewhere else along the line. Please don't think everyone has it easy. (Social media has a lot to answer for!). I had an 'easy' pregnancy but the delivery and my maternity leave (PND, colicky baby,etc) have been absolutely horrendous to the extent that we don't know whether we can face going through this again.I hope I am expressing myself clearly. I am certainly not trying to diminish what you are feeling - I just want you to know you are not alone in feeling this way.

A lot of people feel under pressure to pretend they are having an easy pregnancy though, so although they might say they feel fine, they may well be feeling completely and utterly rubbish. I'm 30 weeks now, and I always tell people I'm doing well and that it's all fine, even on days when I feel like death!

I could've written this, except I'm sitting here with six week old DD2 from my third pregnancy (like you my first pregnancy was a hyperemesis miscarriage, which made me want to punch any one who told me hyperemesis was a sign of a healthy pregnancy in subsequent pregnancies).

DD1 is two this month. I couldn't have done the second pregnancy without quitting my job (never went back after DD1) and a huge amount of help from my retired DM and DMIL who works part time. I was very, very lucky to have this help but pregnancy was still hell and I felt so guilty for not being able to look after DD1. However, she won't remember seeing me ill when she is older and I felt like giving her a sibling was worth it as she will never have cousins (DH and I are only children).

If you want another, I'd recommend seeing your GP and maybe even your consultant before TTC to get a plan in place. I found it harder the second time because the first time around I had the hope that the HG would get better (every doctor I saw said it would be gone by 12 weeks - ha!) and there were some very, very dark moments (I was so depressed I was offered a termination at one point). I found that in the second trimester a combination of cyclizine, ondansetron and prednisolone worked quite well - maybe discuss steroids with your consultant?

Its easy to say now but having a second was so worth it. I know I'll never have another (consultant advised against) and I was very lucky to have so much help to make it possible, but equally I know I wouldn't have put myself through it all again if my DD1 had cousins.

Oh, and YANBU - unless you've been through it, you just can't understand how bad HG pregnancies are.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, OP. You're not saying this to any of your pregnant friends, just feeling it and it's a totally valid feeling based on your experience.

I too could have written your post. I had hyperemesis throughout my pregnancy and was still vomiting into a kidney dish whilst attempting to stay still long enough for an EMCS!

I totally feel your pain. My little one is now 11 months old and time is not really on my side age-wise if I want to have another. But the thought of feeling that horrendous for another 9 months - and largely missing out on my little one's life for a vast chunk of that time - is seriously putting me off. And I hate to tell you this, if you don't already know it, but there's an 86% chance of having HG in a subsequent pregnancy, once you had it the first time

I am weighing up pros and cons and trying to work out childcare options. I hate that this may be a deciding factor in whether or not my child gets to have a sibling. No one can fully understand who hasn't been through it.

High fives to all sufferers. Solidarity!

OP I'm currently pregnant with my first and my experience is (so far) a lot better than yours, but I'm almost constantly nauseous and exhausted due to insomnia (from about week 3 or 4) & I have been complaining today that I'm not one of those glowing pregnant women who breeze through pregnancy. I think it's natural to feel a bit hard done by if you have a difficult pregnancy and don't get the experience you want. For me, I think part of it is the lack of control and randomness of it-as in symptoms I didn't know existed or things like my boobs killing and growing practically day 1. It's also made worse when you have a glowing friend pregnant the same time as you

I'm currently 40+4 and have had a lovely pregnancy. Slight sciatica in my hip but no sickness and I actually look better than I did pre-pregnancy, nice skin, hair etc... However, I've now been having contractions for THREE FUCKING DAYS! Serves me right I spose!

OP you are not alone! Have a read of the pregnancy threads! People always gloss over especially on social media, pointless to compare your reality to someone else's highlight reel..

Sickness is miserable, I sympathise I was sick about 10 times a day all the way through until my twins were born.

However in my experience it's a bit swings and round abouts. Most people struggle at one stage or other.

A friend with an easy pregnancy and birth really struggled with the toddler years. Another friend has super pregnancies but difficult births (and another vice versa)

One friend who got pregnant easily and popped out her babies with no bother sadly has also had several miscarriages.

I have a friend for whom the baby and toddler years were easy but has really struggled with behaviour since her child went to school.

Also you have to bear in mind that some people just don't talk about how miserable they are feeling.

My immediate work colleagues knew about my constant sickness because they witnessed the dash waddle to the nearest loos but I never missed a day at work so colleagues in general didn't know.

Family and friends who spent face to face time with me were aware for the same reason but I never mentioned it to friends on the phone or on FB. One of my own siblings (who lives a long way away) thought I was breezing through until DH put her straight.

Comparison with other people rarely helps you feel better.

Yanbu

It's a large part of why we're really hesitating about number 3. That and the fact I produce awful sleepers (both regularly wake in the night aged 2 & 5)

I know I'd miss 9 months of their lives plus struggle with more sleepless nights so be grumpy unfun mummy.

YANBU. I have been feeling sorry for myself for the last two weeks - constant nausea punctuated with regular vomiting. It wasn't until I read the story of an inspirational lady that went through HG 3 times to make her family that I realised just how badly others suffer. Losing the contents of my stomach once or twice a day in comparison to what others go through has put it in perspective for me.

YNBU. I feel exactly the same. Sick till week 22, SPD bad enough to be signed off from week 26, high blood pressure from week 32, OC and pre-eclampsia at week 37. Then a broken coccyx, continued SPD, birth injury requiring surgery 6 months later, a colicky, CMPA, non-sleeping baby and (shockingly!) severe PND. We planned to have two children but I just can't face all that again.

Yanbu and are not alone! I've had bad anxiety all through this pregnancy due to previous mc at 11 weeks. I feel so envious of people who take it as a given that they will end up with a healthy baby at the end of their pregnancy. I'm still waiting for it to go wrong.

YANBU! I'm exactly the same, so jealous of those with straightforward pregnancies.

People ask me when DC2 will happen. Never. I can't be pregnant again, it was the worst time of my life, HG, preeclampsia, severe SPD, PUPPS. No. just no.

YANBU!

I'm 20 weeks with number 2 (last one), and I've been unwell since 4 weeks. I feel miserable most days, struggle to keep the house clean and ordered, struggle to stay positive, struggle with it all!

I've never met another who has felt like me, and it's really fucking lonely.

I will never ever do this again

I understand what you're saying but just because someone looks glowing doesn't mean they are. I was repeatedly told I looked good in pregnancy both times. Truth is both pregnancies were high risk and I spent three days a week in hospital throughout both pregnancies and looked 'good' as I lost weight from the stress and being constantly sick

YANBU-it's really hard to look at other people who have what you want and not be envious.

Just try and remember that there will be many people who are envious of you. You have the decision to make about whether you want to be pregnant and you do have a two year old. Many struggling with infertility who would gladly swap nine months of feeling dreadful for a baby.

Comparing your situation to others invariably leads to unhappiness.

HG is horrible, truly horrible. I was at my lowest point. BUT I've had two DC now and you CAN do it, with DH on board and a plan.
The anticipation of having HG again is awful but it is only a "short" period of your life, compared to having a much wanted second child.
You can see your doctor before getting pg to make a plan so that you can access medication straight away, get signed off work etc.. If you have family or friends nearby, use them to look after DC1/you. A friend of mine with HG said her sickness was better second time round due to starting medication early and planning in lots of rest, she didn't even try to work once she was pg.
Mine was equally bad with each pregnancy, but... I got through. And I spent a lot of time lurking on the mumsnet HG thread (too sick to post!).

YANBU...I hated the first two trimesters, I had a suspected ectopic pregnancy and spent a stressful w/e in hospital, then I spent 6 months vomiting all day and fainting on trains...ugh.
But then I lucked out with a lovely quick water birth and a DS who took to breastfeeding straightaway with barely any pain or stress.

I think like everything in life it's swings and roundabouts, your friends might glow through pregnancy then end up with colicky babies/tantrummy toddlers while your DD is lovely and well behaved...

That's how I try and think anyway, when I have something bad going on (stressing about DS sleep/allergies etc) I try and think about something good (how he smiles at everyone, will nap anywhere etc)

Gah, that was just a waffley way of trying to say I try my best to count my blessings and remember everyone else has their own rubbishy stuff going on, it just is different from mine.

YANBU. Some people glow, others glower.
I got the morning sickness and fatigue followed gestational diabetes with severe iron deficiency edition of pregnancy twice and have basically loathed every moment of it, from the waking with leg cramps to the fact that none of my pants feel like they fit.
On the plus side, hating being preggers means I find the newborn phase really easy as I can eat and wear proper clothes again!

I'm at the end of my fourth horror-show pregnancy in the past 7 years. I've had varying degrees of hyperemisis (all four), PGP (x2), chronic heartburn (x2) , insomnia (all four), anaemia (X11) and extreme tiredness. I've also still been breastfeeding a non-sleeping toddler throughout the last three pregnancies. And I work part-time.

I see pregnant celebrities swanning out to film premieres with big bumps and it's just so far away from my reality. I literally drag myself on the school run very morning then take two hours to recover before I can bother my arse to put a single washload on, do the breakfast dishes, then collapse again for another hour. The thought of even managing to put a face of make-up on is laughable, never mind wearing high heels and trotting off out for a meal or something.

I find pregnancy a bit like childbirth though - your selective memory simply relegates it to being 'not that bad' in order to ensure the survival of the human race.

I agree with sceptimum too. That newborn phase seems easy compared to pregnancy. It was great to eat again and not be in hospital. Someone with an 'easy' pregnancy might find the newborn phase horrific!

I had extreme morning sickness on both.

Poor DC1 spent weeks with me feeling and being sick being cared for the bare minimum until DH got home from work. In a way I was 'lucky' ds has ASD because that's all he wanted to do was to watch TV and eat the only thing which was toast ( that point he was under a lot of consultants)

On DC 2 I knew I wouldn't be able to go through another pregnancy so knew this was my last baby.