Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

aibu to want to do this myself?

20 replies

Smartiepuf · 03/12/2016 11:08

I have a 16 month old. Last christmas he was 5 months and as it was my first christmas as a mom i bought my husband, lb and myself christmas stockings with Mommy, Daddy and lo name on. My mil then turns up with another personalised one for my lb and insisted it went up with ours....(i was pissed off). I had also bought a personalised first christmas ornament for him.....and she turned up with one of those too! At halloween she bought an outfit...for his first outing at a family do she bought an outfit. Christmas day i was stuck in the kitchen whilst she opened up his toys and played with them with him...I feel like i have no say! My oh thinks im being silly but these things are things ive been looking fwd to doing since before our lb was born. My mil is re-living everything she did for my husband and i dont feel like im getting a look in at any special event - and its my own bloody child!

This year, i have bought advent calendars for each of us as my oh and i agree that our lb can now have a little bit of chocolate every now and again (christmas, easter etc) The chocs are cadbury and tiny so we are happy with that. Anyways, my mil turned up last night with an advent calendar for us all to share (happy with that) but said she'd now be buying one for our lo every year from now on too, seeing as he is now allowed chocolate.

She wont consult with us on christmas gifts and so no doubt he will have duplicates and things we deem unsuitable. I am not ungrateful at all but i think it makes sense for us to know what she intends to buy to see if it will be suitable and or wasted if we already have it!

As our lb mom, these things are things i want to do as its special to me and i want those memories - just like all the other stuff she butts in on and tries to take centre stage on. It wouldnt be quite so bad but she always buys the stuff we cant afford so it makes me feel inferior in addition to feeling like she is intruding in on things that i want to do with my lb....

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 03/12/2016 11:53

OH needs a conversation with his Mum.

NavyandWhite · 03/12/2016 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/12/2016 12:19

My mom buys DS his advent calendar every year, his Christmas jumper ever year and makes him a Christmas stocking every year too.

I have no problem with her doing this as it gives her so much enjoyment and she loves doing Christmassy traditions with him. I have never felt like she's treading on my toes, I just see it as her wanting to do something for her grandson.

MommaGee · 03/12/2016 12:27

Advent calendar - hell love having two so won't stop you doing it.

Could stocking be hung somewhere else as its a " special" one?
Presents - what would you deem unsuitable?? We have toys that have lived in the garage for a year til he's old enough. Duplicates - take back for an exchange?
Playing with his toys - do you mean unwrapping or getting them out? If there's a particular toy you bought that you want to see him play with for the first time save it for after dinner " so he doesn't get overwhelmed"?
Ask MIL to help with dinner?

Generally feeling like she's butting in o think you have to tackle directly each times it happens

MommaGee · 03/12/2016 12:28

Would you feel differs I'd it was your mom not oh's?

Bluetrews25 · 03/12/2016 13:28

She shouldn't be 'helping' him open his gifts, if that's what you mean?
She's just so excited! It might get better when she has more GCs?
As for the consulting you on gift selection - be grateful she's not asking you yet. After MIL purchases enough duplicate toys and ones the DC has no interest in, soon enough you will have to do all the thinking, selecting, and maybe even shopping! Believe me, that is a massive pain. It's hard enough to figure out what to give from you and DH sometimes without having to choose on behalf of 17 other people, too. And guess their budget.
Best rule in this house - get what you want, provided age appropriate, but nothing that makes a noise or needs batteries.

ChoudeBruxelles · 03/12/2016 13:32

You're being very pfb.

Cherrysoup · 03/12/2016 13:41

She sounds like a lovely grandma actually. Some don't give a toss. Would you rather that?

Bit extreme. There's no need to be either one end of the spectrum or the other. There is a happy middle ground and if a mum wants to buy her own child an advent calendar and do his stocking, I think that's pretty normal, not pfb. I would be having polite but firm words.

It does sound like she's taking over and while she may be excited first time grandma, she's had her turn and needs to let you do what you want for your child. Return stuff you don't want, lthough better to prevent her getting it in the first place.

Passmethecrisps · 03/12/2016 13:49

You child will adore having lots of advent calendars - my dd has two this year. One from MIL and one from a party she attended. It isn't one less thing now for me to remember.

The stocking is also manageable. The ones you bought hang together and the named one from MIL can go in LO's bedroom or hang on the tree. Fill that one with stuff lo needs like socks, hat, scarf, gloves etc and the other one gets the wee treats from you. In our house Santa only brings what will fit in the stocking and all other gifts come from people. You could go down that route - the named stocking is full off wee gifts from people and the one you bought is Santa.

You can ask your dh to have a word with your MIL if you are really bothered by her behaviour. However, it might also be worth adjusting your own mind set just a wee bit. Your child's memories will not be tarnished and he will not live you less because granny bought extra stuff.

I am a bit slack with stuff like stockings and wee pretties so I a man always relieved that my MIL is that way inclined. The memories are not lessened by who bought the gift

MangoBiscuit · 03/12/2016 13:50

I've been in a similar situation OP (but not with my MIL, she's fab, I'm very lucky) I think the trouble is that it's not one thing that's unreasonable by itself, but a whole wave of small, insignificant things that build up and become a problem as a whole.

I think you need to decide which traditions are important to you, and sort out your boundaries. Here, DH and I do the stockings. If a GP wants to add something to it, they can bring it over and I'll wrap and add. Or they give it as a gift from them. No second stockings, it just gets overwhelming and confusing for them.

My Mum loves buying our two advent calendars, so I don't buy any. It's become a bit of a tradition now, and I like that.

With things like your MIL opening the presents with your LO while you're in the kitchen, that's not on. I'd be clearly telling everyone that I need X minutes in the kitchen to sort out Z, then we can do the presents all together as I don't want to miss out on seeing LO opening them. If she pushes in and tries to take centre stage, I'd say polietly but firmly, "Oh, no thank you MIL, I really want to do X with LO myself"

This does also mean that you need to pick which things you are going to relax about. MIL wants to create some memories too, and to form a relationship with her DGC, and you'll need to let go and allow her to do that. Just not with the parts that are really important to you!

Passmethecrisps · 03/12/2016 13:52

Oh. And also, both my mum and MIL (not sure the dads had any hand in it) bought slightly weird and a bit inappropriate gifts for dd in her first year or two. Now they are much more practical and either ask what she needs or get a mix of gifts and money for dd to pick something for herself. Sometimes people need time to find new normal

altiara · 03/12/2016 13:52

I know what you mean, but there's no harm in having 2 of some things and those you just have to let go (stockings/ornaments/advent calendars/presents duplicates) but I'd be annoyed with muscling in on when I want to have my stocking used or watch my DC open presents etc. I would make sure I stopped what I was doing if it was present time or kick off at DH if he's letting my DCs open presents without me. It's all very well having a well meaning GP but if you don't get to do fun stuff with your own children then when can you?
Just keep repeating? That's lovely but we're using my outfit/whatever example it is because I have bought it especially for the occasion.
I would be saying the same whether it's DM or MIL btw. My mum has form for this.

JellyBelli · 03/12/2016 13:54

I'm a MIL. I don't wade in and take over, I've had my chance at being the parent. Its their turn now.

kerryob · 03/12/2016 14:05

It's death by a thousand paper cuts, ynabu

You are mum not mil and your DH needs to tell her to back off. She's had her Christmas's with her own children this is your time. One of those things would be annoying it all of them together would drive me crazy.

Original poster

Smartiepuf · 03/12/2016 15:30

Thank you to those who have given helpful replies. Indeed, if it was kne or two things or one occasion i could live with it - but it is all the bloody time and EVERY special occasion!

OP posts:

Original poster

Smartiepuf · 03/12/2016 15:35

I'm not being pfb for wanting to open my childs gifts with him. My mil will but a christmas outfit in February just to 'get un first'....same with all the other occasions - she will get stuff waaay in advance so ive no chance.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 03/12/2016 15:39

Both my mum and dh mum brought kids personalised stockings, ornaments and advent calendars. No big deal. We have just stuck them all up.

Why did you have to be in the kitchen? You could have been there opening presents roo!

Allthewaves · 03/12/2016 15:40

And both my parents buy stuff we can't afford - great kids get things they wouldn't otherwise. Kids don't care where the presents come from

Original poster

Smartiepuf · 03/12/2016 17:13

Why did i have to be in the kitchen?

This was because i was cooking christmas dinner. I was in there 10 minutes and came out to find shed started opening all his gifts and playing with them with him. Did not say a word to me so no had no idea until i came in

OP posts:

MommaGee · 04/12/2016 17:44

We'll then you have a DH problem. If you were gone 10 minutes she must have been frantically opening to get them opened and played with. Dh should have told her no so you need to make it clear with him the boundaries. If she buys an outfit on January it doesn't mean he's got to wear it. Put the one on you got and pit the other one on the next day.

Flip