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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Known as the "poor couple" IABU?

16 replies

Beewaldorf · 03/12/2016 02:37

I used to love Christmas... until now!
Me and my DH said to our family we thought it might be a better idea to buy presents to child only. But know all the adults bought presents for us even though they knew we couldn't reciprocate.
I spoke to his mum and said that we could not afford but then she told about what I said to the rest of the family, saying that everybody knows that we haven't got any money. Now we feel utterly embarrassed as we are known as the "poor couple". Now they're trying to be nice like "oh get me anything..." "I don't need presents...".

IABU to be very annoyed?

OP posts:

myoriginal3 · 03/12/2016 02:39

Nothing wrong with being poor.

hesterton · 03/12/2016 02:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 03/12/2016 02:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Beewaldorf · 03/12/2016 02:47

There's nothing wrong with being poor I agree. But it's totally unnecessary to expose our situation! I've got only one child and I'll need to buy gifts to 5 kids plus 4 adults.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 03/12/2016 02:50

Tricky, better poor than mean but I wouldn't like this either.

We aren't too hard up but gave up adult gifting years ago and everyone is so relieved. Many on here disagree but I do not want a bunch of gifts I won't use or need and know that the person giving has put all that effort into. We give within our own family but not siblings etc.

Rise above any shame and consider that you are not buying into a consumer trap of crap.

Casmama · 03/12/2016 03:03

I know exactly how you feel because I was in a similar situation a few years back. My dh had lost his job and been out of work for about 10 months before getting a job in November so we were really skint and asked his family if we could buy for kids only and begged them not to get us anything.
They agreed but then bought us presents anyway and I was really annoyed as I felt it wasn't actually a kindness as we had told them we would feel humiliated if they did it anyway. However, I didn't show any irritation as it was coming from a good place.
I think you probably need to be very clear that you are buying for children only and you would appreciate if they didn't buy for you.
Fwiw a couple of years down the line and someone else in my dh's family suggested kids only presents and that is now what we do.

DixieWishbone · 03/12/2016 03:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Beewaldorf · 03/12/2016 03:24

But they all bought presents for me and DH already...
They told us about the presents few days ago and got us by surprise as we said we would only get to kids this year.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/12/2016 03:34

I am poor. At other times I have been rich. And I bought my siblings presents what I wanted or thought they were needed.

You told your fam that you wouldn't buy them presents OP, they still wanted to get for you. And that's ok. Isn't it?

Casmama · 03/12/2016 03:47

I think they have really done the worst think here when they have told you they have bought presents while you still have time to reciprocate. You could always dig your heels in and ask them to keep the he presents for your birthdays and refuse to open them.
Alternatively, accept them and reiterate that you didn't expect them.

mathanxiety · 03/12/2016 03:53

I like the Dirty Santa thing.

When I was married to exH we started out with everyone in the family giving gifts to everyone else. Frankly it was ridiculous. There are seven siblings in exH's family, plus their spouses, plus the ILs. There were also several small children and babies at the time.

When the number of grandchildren climbed to 15, exMIL sensibly called a halt to the madness and announced we would only have a gift exchange for the children and that it would be a secret santa thing. Every child drew the name of one cousin and we would buy a gift for each cousin drawn. With 5 DCs, we ended up buying for five cousins. The DCs received one gift each from whatever cousin picked their names from the hat. This was a significant improvement on the previous extravaganza.

Do you think your IL family would go for something like that?

NiceFalafels · 03/12/2016 04:45

Does really matter if people know you're skint? Most people have been skint at one point in their lives. You carry on getting just kids gifts, there are a lot of kids!

NiceFalafels · 03/12/2016 04:47

We do what maths anxiety does

NiceFalafels · 03/12/2016 04:48

But each cousin had a wish list, so the money was well spent

CrazyCavalierLady · 03/12/2016 06:03

We don't give to adults. Not because we can't afford it but because I hate buying for people who either don't appreciate the time and effort I put in or worse do but don't reciprocate the time or effort.

The kids on both sides are teens now so they get gift cards. Ours are adults so get nothing from family. I really can't be bothered. I buy for my friends that I really like.

HardcoreLadyType · 03/12/2016 06:12

My family also do the secret Santa thing. They call it the Christmas fairy, though.

It's not just for the children, though. The adults also get a present, and so rather than getting a load of body butter (what even is that?) people get something they have asked for, and actually want.

Flip