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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send Xmas cards & donate to Syrian children appeal

54 replies

Mummyyummy2012 · 02/12/2016 21:14

I'm really struggling with the images coming out of Aleppo at the moment particularly of kids and particularly at a time of year that tends to be about having lots of food and being with family.
Aibu to not give cards this year and donate the money to save the children Xmas Sad

OP posts:
CalebHadToSplit · 03/12/2016 08:15

As others have said, it could be more meaningful (and raise more money) if you ask people who normally get you a present to donate to your chosen charity in your name instead.

Amelie10 · 03/12/2016 08:15

Surely if you don't send Christmas cards you'll be telling the usual recipients why you've decided not to? I personally dislike declarations of charitable giving.

Yes it does seem you would like everyone to know how good you are. Seriously do what you want, who is going to say you are unreasonable?

Damselindestress · 03/12/2016 08:20

YANBU. You could always send free e-cards if you still want to let people know you are thinking of them. It's the message that matters not the card, most people recycle them in the new year anyway. I wouldn't be at all offended if I got one less card because someone was supporting a good cause. I don't see the problem with telling people that's what you're doing either as it might inspire others to donate.

InfiniteSheldon · 03/12/2016 08:23

But linking the two Is pretty shabby, really. Virtue signalling always plays badly

Got to agree and if you want to give something up in order to give to charity give up something for you: your bid monthly facial, daily coffee for a month, New boots, fave chocolate, whatever you treat yourself with or ask one person who buys you a Christmas present to instead give the money to your chosen charity. Organise a donations event do something's that actually affect your life not others. Give up something genuine not something that can be really cheap but gives a clear aren't I more caring than you signal. We are all upset by these images btw.

Witchend · 03/12/2016 08:24

I agree with the others who say don't link them.

Saying I'm not sending cards because I'm giving to charity makes my eyes roll too.
Think about it-who loses out of not sending cards?
Your recipients. Some of the people I send to are lonely and don't get many. They get even fewer now people have started "giving to charity" instead.
You don't lose anything because you spend the same amount of money, but you don't have the hassle of buying, writing, posting.... And you get to feel terribly virtuous and tell everyone you are.

I also was at a meeting with a number of charities and they were very skeptical how many people actually did donate the money. They all said (including one which had ben nominated at a big place for that) it made no significant difference in December. And said she they did get some stated for that reason (and they were grateful) it was often £5, and rarely above £10, which would be, I suspect for most people, vastly underestimated what they'd spend.

If you feel you want to give then set up a monthly direct debit. Charities find having a known monthly income is easier to work with than one off donations.

ShatnersBassoon · 03/12/2016 08:28

Quietly give up another non-essential that only you will notice ie cups of coffee out, booza, magazines.

I think it's a bit of a statement benevolence, to make the announcement about not sending cards.

ShatnersBassoon · 03/12/2016 08:29

Booze! I have no idea why my phone has 'booza' in its list of words Grin Confused

Jacquinta · 03/12/2016 08:39

I understand the sentiment, but can't understand the logistics of how one would do this. The majority of cards I send are to elderly relatives and friends of my parents who I knew growing up. I'm not on Facebook so couldn't make any announcement saying I was giving to charity this year and the only contact I have with many of these people is via annual cards.

If I suddenly stopped sending a card, the recipient may assume I was dead/ill so the polite thing to do would be to post a notice to them saying that I was making a charity donation instead... I'm overthinking this..

malificent7 · 03/12/2016 09:16

Christmas cards are a waste of trees... yanbu.

You cpuld send a virtual Merry Christmas instead.

EssentialHummus · 03/12/2016 09:26

Save the Children does Christmas cards OP:

www.savethechildren.org.uk/go-shopping

Beyond that, I agree - identify a luxury you can go without, donate the money you save.

Jacquinta · 03/12/2016 09:28

It's only possible to send virtual Christmas cards to those with internet access. 50% of the recipients of my cards do not have it, as they are old people.

Wifflewaffles · 03/12/2016 09:29

I ask any family or friends kind enough to consider buying me a gift, to please donate the money they would have spent to a charity instead. I've done this for the past few years, and people didn't really get it at first, and thought that I was weird. But they're used to it now, and it's win/win/win as far as I can see. Funds are redirected from shops to charities, no feeling awkward opening stuff I don't really need, it's easier for family and friends to donate to charity than to choose, buy, wrap and deliver a gift. Less waste, and the true meaning of Christmas I think. I'm a lot happier and more relaxed for it. I still buy family gifts, because that's what they want. Everyone gets what they want.

Wifflewaffles · 03/12/2016 09:31

Which charity is best to donate to for the children in Syria please?

gamerwidow · 03/12/2016 09:32

Aleppo is heartbreaking but you can donate without making a song and dance about it.
Just don't send cards if you don't want to and donate privately.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 03/12/2016 09:33

Of course YANBU. I like to send Xmas cards so I buy charity ones, and would do a Christmas charity donations anyway.

Pagwatch · 03/12/2016 09:48

I think yabu.
Christmas cards are nice and all those children are very far away.

It was a difficult dilemma though so I can see why you needed to ask mumsnet. It took me ages to decide but ultimately who wouldn't chose a nice Christmas card.

Sallystyle · 03/12/2016 09:59

I stopped sending Xmas cards a few years ago. No one seems to care.

I am not entirely sure why you need to ask anyway. Do what you want to do.

SheldonCRules · 03/12/2016 10:03

YABU, Christmas cards are for others so you're not giving up anything of your own so it comes across as smug to others. Charity giving should be private.

Forgo your own Christmas presents or have a simple Christmas meal and donate the rest of the food budget and alcohol budget instead.

MyWineTime · 03/12/2016 12:16

I don't really think it matters if donating money is virtue signalling or not
I understand what you are saying and I agree in theory, however, I think most posters are suggesting that she sends cards AND still donates by making a small sacrifice of her own.

It's a bit like telling your kids that there are children who don't have toys, so you have generously decided to give away their toys to people who need them more.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 03/12/2016 12:28

Another one here who inwardly eye-rolls at the 'no cards, giving to charity' announcements.

It feels a bit like shaming card-givers for not being charity-givers.

Lots of people manage to do both!

I agree that forgoing something that is important to you (special Christmas candle? Bottle of nice spirits?) would make more sense.

EastMidsGPs · 03/12/2016 12:28

Do what you feel.
I have told everyone at work I will be sending e cards to them and will be donating the money I would have spent on my chosen local charity. Also said didn't need a card from them to have their good wishes, just tell me or send an e card!
I began to feel uneasy about what I saw as waste - cards,envelopes and cost, when I sit inches away from them all year and so decided on change.
Will still send out to friends far away etc.
The work stuff just as I said seemed wasteful.
I will take a tub of chocolates or something in.

viques · 03/12/2016 12:46

I used to do organise a thing where I worked that people would not send cards to work colleagues but would instead make a donation ( I provided anonymous envelopes) to Crisis. some gave a tenner, some a fiver, some gave change, some nothing at all, some donated and didn't send cards ,some donated and sent cards (they told me) and I think some did not donate and sent cards. It didn't matter, what mattered was that Crisis got a hefty cheque. Probably too late for this year as most people will have already bought cards.

ThanksSpanx · 03/12/2016 12:50

YANBU- I like seeing emails/facebook messages from friends wishing me a merry Christmas but saying card/postage money has been donated to charity. Much prefer than receiving loads of cards. Last yr we donated £50 to charity instead of doing cards and I'll do the same this yr. I stil send cards to elderly relatives who I know love to receive them.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 03/12/2016 12:58

YABU. Can't bear the sanctimony around stopping the dreadful chore that is the writing and sending of Christmas cards - so nice to be able to stop that - because you are oh so kind and giving to charraddeee.

Send cards or don't , it's up to you, but Just donate the money, don't make such a song and dance about it.

somewheresomehow · 03/12/2016 14:09

agreed through ^^
do what you want but you dont need to crow about how good you are at giving to 'charity'

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