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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my mum is overstepping the mark

48 replies

kitkat321 · 02/12/2016 21:04

I don't really get on with my mum - we're very different personalities. I'm independant and introvert, she's very much an extrovert but quite a needy person who can't stand being on her own or in just her own company.

I have an amazing 2 year old dd who my mum very kindly looks after 2 days a week including an overnight when I'm at work. We've had this arrangement since dd was 4 months old and my dad passed away as it give my mum something to focus on.

However, I think sometimes she forgets that dd is my daughter not hers - she constantly pesters her to tell her she loves her "do you love grannie? do you love grannie? tell grannie you love her".

She went out and bought a potty recently without discussing it with us and then started trying to potty train dd and was sending me texts telling me that dd had pee'd and poo'd in the potty - I told her to stop as it was too early - she says that's fine but I don't trust her not to do as I ask.

She took her to see santa this year before we did - again with no mention to us until after the fact. DD is terrified of santa so we asked her if she wanted to see him and she said no - my mum took her and surprise surprise she was terrified and burst into tears and she still tells me now that she cried when she saw santa.

The latest issue relates to dd's 2nd birthday - we took her away on holiday for her birthday but the day before had a wee party at our house for her 2 grans and her aunties & uncles - all very small because she'd had a big party last year and we had loads to organise for the holiday - my mum has gone and arranged another party for my extended family this week - she has cake, party games etc - again we weren't asked, she just decided she was doing it then told us afterwards.

Now dd will love the party and I accept that there are some family members that we didn't invite to our party that want to see her but AIBU or is this all a bit too much and do I need to have a word?

I can already see that dd is starting to become less keen to go see my mum - she's not upset about it but when we did have both of her grans over for the party she much preferred spending time with my MIL much to the disgust of my mum (she sat with her face like thunder!).

OP posts:
pictish · 02/12/2016 21:07

I think she is a bit, yes. Have you ever discussed this with her?

duskonthelawn · 02/12/2016 21:13

Ugh, this is how I always worry things will go with my MIL- it's not as bad as this but there's a hint of it sometimes and it really puts me on edge.
If I was you I'd sit her down and lay down some rules. You don't want to be harsh she obviously loves her but like you say, she's not her daughter, and just because she is looking after her does not mean she can dictate things. Be kind but make it clear that if she wants to do anything major she needs to double check with you first. Otherwise I think I'd look for other childcare arrangements, it could turn into a very toxic situation.

pictish · 02/12/2016 21:18

But then you've got the discrepancies in what's 'major' and what isn't?
Basically your mum needs to calm her tits. Politely but firmly remind her that she has had her turn and now it's yours.

Bettydownthehall · 02/12/2016 21:19

This is a small price to pay for your DD to be looked after by her Granny IMO.

It's nice for her to be close to another family member. The pestering is a bit much but hopefully granny will back off a bit as she sees DD doesn't like it.

Original poster
kitkat321 · 02/12/2016 21:21

Thanks both - you know when someone bugs you and you therefore over react to things that they do - that's what I was worried about - I thought I might be making a mountain out of a molehill but good to know I'm not.

I'll leave her to have the party but mention that she shouldn't be putting her on the potty until we have potty trained her and tell her to.

Will see how things go but good to get the reassurance that it's not just me!

OP posts:
pictish · 02/12/2016 21:22

I don't think it's the price to pay. I think it's overstepping the mark like OP says. Not outrageously...but still annoying.

Original poster
kitkat321 · 02/12/2016 21:24

Oh and I recognise that there are some people who would love to have grand parents that are so involved - my friends parents barely acknowledge that they have a grandchild and she'd love the kind of support from them that my dd gets - it's just striking the balance and letting the little things slide but with things like potty training making the point that this needs to be led by the parents.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 02/12/2016 21:42

I'd use childcare if it bothers you.
She's not going to do it your way and you can't trust her.
Do child care workers do it the way the parents ask though or as nursery policy?

user1477282676 · 02/12/2016 21:49

You need different childcare. My MIL does this with my SIL's little boy. She has taken over so much as SIL is a lone parent and works a fair bit; MIL crows over the fact that the little boy calls her "mama" Hmm

PetalMettle · 02/12/2016 21:50

I think you're actually being quite calm. Mil refers to
My ds as "nannys boy"etc and goes against our wishes on food and tv. I really limit the amount she babysits for this reason

Mivery · 02/12/2016 21:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable (or ungrateful) at all. Have a calm & honest talk with her about it and see what she says. Good luck!

cunningartificer · 02/12/2016 21:58

You sound as though this childcare arrangement was sincerely an act of altruism to help your mother get over her bereavement. Really? It sounds very convenient as well. If not, then stop it, and have your child back at night.

You can't, I think, have it both ways. If you want detached childcare, get a professional. Presumably your mother loves dd, as you would looking after a baby relation in the same circumstances.. ...so she plans treats. Cut her some slack.

DailyMailSucksAss · 02/12/2016 22:32

I agree with cunning. No childcare professional would love your daughter as much as her gran does. Hell most grans don't love their GC enough to potty train them or throw them parties. You are so, so lucky. Don't mess this relationship up for petty jealousy.

user1477282676 · 02/12/2016 22:37

DailyMail that's utter crap.

wobblywonderwoman · 02/12/2016 22:39

I think you can't have her as unpaid childcare and expect the arrangement to be perfect. The Santa thing was wrong abd potty training needs to be consistent.

But to control it all. You need to get paid childcare. I don't rely on my mother for the exact same reasons. They are silly reasons but she goes too far and intrudes. Saying things like 'Ds is a very nervous child' .. Er .. No a toddler. Looking for constant one upmanship. No way for me anyway. Worth paying myself.

InTheKitchenAtParties · 02/12/2016 22:41

I have to agree with DailyMail. It sounds like you have a decent mother. And childcare is pretty expensive.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2016 22:51

I mind my DGC.

I don't throw them parties.
I helped potty train when their parents started it.
I go with the whole family to see Santa.
I don't do them Christmas stockings
I don't ask them to call me Mum
I follow their parents food rules ( with the occasional treat)

You don't get to do what you like with other peoples' children just because you're looking after them.

puglife15 · 02/12/2016 22:55

I'm on the fence. She's basically living at your mum's house at least 2/7ths of the time (and does your mum also babysit etc too?) so you can't really blame your mum for not running every single thing by you and being very involved.

There were times, after months of scraping poo out of pants, when if someone had potty trained my DC I would have kissed them! Maybe she thought she was doing you a favour? With the Santa thing too (probably thought she's helping your dd "get over" her fear).

However she is being OTT yes and that must be annoying.

If you bring it up, tread very very carefully and make sure you make it extremely clear how grateful you are and valued she is by you and dd.

Atenco · 02/12/2016 23:30

here were times, after months of scraping poo out of pants, when if someone had potty trained my DC I would have kissed them! Maybe she thought she was doing you a favour?

What is wrong with potty training your child? Unless she was being cruel about it, I don't see why you are so sure that your child wasn't ready for it?

I really don't see the problem in what your mother is doing. Am I thick? I am a grandmother and not half as nice as your mother is either in the time I devote to babysitting or in the other lovely things your mother does for your dd.

You said your dd does want to go to your mother's house but then you only said that at a party she preferred to stay with the other grandmother, is there anything more to this? Because children are fickle: sometimes my dd prefers her dad, sometimes her mum, sometimes me, I don't read a lot into it.

Sweets101 · 02/12/2016 23:34

I think it depends on how much you value free childcare with a related caregiver over making alternative arrangements. None of it sounds like that big a deal to me, but if it is to you and DH start investigating the local nurseries and see if you can get her in somewhere in the new term.

Original poster
kitkat321 · 02/12/2016 23:59

Atenco - erm because it's my child and I spend enought time with her to know if she's ready or not and therefore should fall to me to potty train her not for my mother to go off and start doing it ourself with no discussion with us? Do you not think that children need consistency when it comes to potty training? Do you know different from the experts? Glad you aren't my childs grandparent!

OP posts:
PberryT · 03/12/2016 00:02

Tbh on the potty training it sounds like all she's done is buy a potty and encourage your dd to use it. Nowt wrong with that.

The party is wierder and does overstep the mark.

MapMyMum · 03/12/2016 00:09

I mind my DN and sometimes I say I love you, because I really do. But I dont thibk I overstep the mark in any other way. DN has had most firsts with her mum and dad, apart from some unchangeable things that would happen in any childcare setting. I wouldnt arrange a party or do a Santa visit or anything like that unless I was asked to.

YaNBU, she is overstepping organising things without asking - not telling, she is your DD not hers. You need to sit her down and explain. She is NOT a stand in Mummy because she minds your DD, she is a childminder

anotherbloodycyclist · 03/12/2016 00:12

Agree with sweets. Start paying for 2 days childcare and an overnight if this is a deal breaker.

InTheKitchenAtParties · 03/12/2016 00:13

To be fair she's not a childminder, because she's not (as far as we know) being paid in a professional setting.