...to ask if anyone else is adopted and when or how did you find out?

[RudolphTheRedNoseReindeer]

I was adopted a few days after I was born and I always knew I was, my parents were completely open and honest about it and answered any questions I had...but I know a lot of parents do hide it from their children and then they discover they're adopted as an adult which must be a terrible shock. I'm curious because I don't know any other adults who are adopted and I wondered if any of you wanted to find or found your birth parents and was it a happy ending or the worst thing you could've done?

I've got a question which is perhaps a bit off-topic so apologies.

How would you go about finding out if someone had been adopted from their birth name? There were some wild oats sown in my family during World War II and a baby resulted. I know her name, and that of her mother, and her father, but I don't know if her mother kept her or whether she was put up for adoption. I have an elderly family member who would love to know and perhaps establish contact.

I'm adopted. I've always known really. I'm 35. Perfectly happy in that knowledge. Never had any desire to know about my birth family and am completely secure in my life.

My Mum had a job at the Post Adoption Centre until she died and majority of the people she supported, were told later in life.

Wow, I can't believe how many parents didn't tell their children they were adopted until later on in life. Did they honestly think it could be kept a secret? With the exception of 228's uncle who is probably blissfully unaware to this day, those of you that didn't know or found out by accident (or even nastiness in Joangray38's experience) it must have been a terrible shock. It must make you question everything in your past and wonder if any of that was built on a bed of deception.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets a bit annoyed by the 'real parents' thing.

I wonder if the adoptive parents who didn't tell their children at a young age, ever took into consideration the practicalities of knowing you're adopted (as well as the emotional side of things). Did they not think ahead to passports and security clearances etc and potential issues with health/medical (genetically predisposed to certain things) in the future? I just can't work out why they think keeping it a secret is the better option over honesty? I expect secrets like this can cause untold damage to mental health for some people.

Like ALemonypea, I don't think adoptive parents should leave it until adulthood to tell their children.

VimtoQueen, I'm openmouthed at the Asda checkout lady saying that to you! Not only was it incredibly rude and ignorant to ask you about your children's 'real parents' but to then ask you if it was because you couldn't have your own children?! Why would anyone ever ask something so deeply personal? It's absolutely nobody's business but your own! I probably would've been inclined to say that I am their real parent, but if you mean their birth mother I don't think that's any of your business and neither is my reproductive history.

I was adopted as a baby and have always known - I can remember my youngest brother being collected from a foster home, and my parents have always answered questions. I got some of the paperwork from them some time ago. My birth mother registered to search for me through Norcap (now closed down) and I was furious at the time when Norcap contacted me as there was no consideration, no support, no post adoption counselling offered. As a child I had nightmares about my birth parents trying to take me away from my happy adopted family. I did pass on information to her that I had a happy childhood. I hate the assumption from many people (and the people at Norcap did this) that if you are adopted you must want to trace your birth family. I eventually was able to access excellent post adoption counselling through Barnardos which helped me work through my feelings about potential contact with my birth mother. I decided did not want any.

I know my birth parents names and where they are and could make contact if I wanted. All I would like is medical histories because it is SO tedious having to say "I don't know, I was adopted...." to medical staff

My parents told me I was adopted just before I turned 18.

It was fucking awful. They sat me down with my siblings (who are older than me and already knew) and just came out with it.
For some reason they all thought I suspected it and were only confirming my suspicions.

I hadn't ever suspected anything and the information knocked me sideways.
My relationship with my family was pretty much non existent for years, I was angry and felt betrayed.

We're on better terms now but it was only when I had children that I started to build bridges. The wonderful, happy childhood they gave me far out weighed the pain that finding out about the adoption caused.

I did meet my biological mother which was a huge mistake and made me appreciate my parents for who they are.
Kind, loving people who took me in and whilst they handled telling me badly, if I am half the parent that they were my children will be lucky.

Shit, made myself cry now.

LumelaMme, I've posted a few links that may be of help to you, I think it's only a few comments above yours.
It might be worth giving the General Register Office a call to see if they can offer advice or help in anyway.
I would be prepared for a few stumbling blocks or brick walls on the way though...a lot of adoptions during WW2 were 'unofficial' and in many cases, the babies were handed over to relatives/friends/friends of friends and the child was never told that they were adopted. I think I'd start with the GRO and see if they can help you with the start of the search.

Sorry, just thought of another option, have you tried searching Ancestry records? There are so many family trees from all over the world, that you can access and you never know, you might be lucky and find one that has links to your family and maybe a name? It could be a good starting point...?

Mum said she would've told me if i asked. Ofc that normally means never,as not many people think to ask. I still don't know why i did. Tbh i didn't give much thought to where i come from... I am who I am. Had a little cancer scare right after i found out and repeating to medical professionals "i'm adopted, i don't have the foggiest about my health history" over and over again kinda just made it fact and normal,and it's just there.
As far as i know i have 3 sisters as my birth mother remarried. No idea about the father. I could be easily found if she wanted to,but she never tried so why would I bother? She had her life, I had mine,and as shtty as my childhood was i had two people to call mum and dad,and they are my parents.

P.s. My mum also disclosed some facts about my birth mother and others,that would've probably hurt..except i didn't give a fuck .

I don't think adoptive parents should leave it until adulthood to tell their children

I totally agree. The fact that I always knew I was adopted made the whole thing totally normal. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to find out when you are older.

I wonder if sometimes it's a case that parents think "I'll tell them when they are old enough to understand". Then somehow that moment passes and it's too late. I was told the story of how my parents came to collect me from my foster parents as a baby, from as early as I can remember - I used to ask for my parents to tell me the story at bedtime.

I did pass on information to her that I had a happy childhood
Snows, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience with Norcap, I personally found them to be fantastic, but I was in different circumstances as I wanted to trace my birth parents. Letting your birth mother know that you had a happy childhood was probably the best thing you could have done for her, even if you don't want more contact than that.
I know that when I found my birth mother, it was the first thing she wanted to know. She had spent 30 years wondering if she had done the right thing, even suffering from depression because of it, and knowing I had been happy lifted a huge weight from her shoulders, because then she knew that giving me up for adoption had been the right decision.

I found out in July this year, age 26.
There had been a fall out with my parents in October the previous year resulting in NC, and I suddenly found myself needing a copy of my birth certificate. I had never seen it before (any attempt to find it when I lived at home with parents was quickly squashed- they applied for passport etc for me) so called up the registry office to request a copy.

Bombshell.

I was devastated and despite a message being passed on to my adoptive parents telling them I'd found out, they have no interest in answering questions or talking to me about it.

I know my bio mothers name but haven't decided what my next step is from here.

RebelRogue, you sound incredibly balanced and pragmatic, I really admire you. Why on earth would your mother say 'I would've told you if you'd asked'. Why would you ask if you had no idea you were adopted? It's a bit of a rhetorical question really because I suspect it was to take the blame off them for not telling you and putting it back on you for not asking them in the first place.

BudgieGirl, I used to ask my parents to tell me about my adoption as a bedtime story as well. They would say it in the most wonderful way and I never once doubted their love for me as a child.
My birth mother was the same and she still feels enormous guilt. I've told her so many times that what she did was absolutely the best thing she could have done and she gave me an idyllic childhood. She really did. We have a lovely relationship and we are scarily similar in every way, likes and dislikes as well as looking identical 19 years apart. I love her very very much but she is not my mum, if that makes sense. My mum isn't well at the moment, physically and mentally but my loyalty is with my mum despite some of the things she is putting me and my family through (that's another story). I don't tell my birth mum about these problems though because it wouldn't be fair of me to project these issues onto her and our relationship. It is very much separate because that's how I want it and deal with it if that makes sense. My mum and my birth mum both idolise our 6 year old and she is very much involved in our life, and I like it this way because my son has two doting Grandmothers on my side and another with my MIL.
Like you said, the first thing my birth mum wanted to know was had I had a good life and a happy childhood. The moment I told her I had she said the greatest weight lifted from her shoulders and the relief was palpable, it was her biggest worry all those years (33 years at the time).

KrissyKringle, that must have been horrific for you to find out especially when you had no idea like RebelRogue. Was there a lot of anger and a feeling of deception when you found out. I think if I had been told when I was 18 having had no inkling prior to that, I would've questioned my whole childhood. It makes me realise (not that I didn't already) how lucky I was to have 'always known' if you see what I mean. It's lovely to hear you are back on good terms again and that becoming a mother yourself was what helps build those bridges. Funnily enough, my mother found me 8 months after I became a mother for the first (and only) time. I think had she found me before then I wouldn't have been interested because I was only curious prior to that but never went ahead with searching properly. Having had a child though, I was more open to it and I'm glad I was.

Thank you all for sharing your stories with me, some of them are heartbreaking and I'm pretty sure we can all come to the same conclusion that to tell your children when they are young is the best option. Have any of you ever considered adoption yourselves? I honestly don't think I could be anywhere near as selfless as my parents were and I admire adoptive parents (nice ones obviously) so much for giving children like us, wonderful lives and secure loving homes. Ironically my husband and I struggled to have children as well but we were successful on our first round of IVF and he is our world. We talked about adoption in the early days before we started IVF and my biggest fear was to not be even half the person my parents were. My parents waited 12 years to have me and when I think of the heartbreak they went through in those years, it makes me want to cry for them.

I am and if I had known what I do now about my bio mother and father when I accessed my birth records I'd never have contacted her when I was 18. Blood isn't always thicker than water that's for sure! I am very glad I was adopted but now would rather have not known anything about them being honest...

this, except for one half sister who is a joy and an ok stepfather. The rest of the families (maternal and paternal) ... less so.

Having said that, my adoptive mother dealt with it very well, she had a little booklet and read the story over and over to me when i asked. It's a lovely memory sitting on her knee while she read it. I was curious, but she answered everythign as far as she could and after a while I just moved on.

I'm screwed up about lots of family things, not least her death and my adoptive father being as useless as a chocolate fire guard afterwards, but the actual adoption thing has never been a problem because she handled it so well.

My adoptive mother is my real mother btw. Love, listening to your childhood woes, being there in childhood joys - that's what made a mother, for me. I love her and miss her still.

My adoptive mother is my real mother btw. Love, listening to your childhood woes, being there in childhood joys - that's what made a mother, for me.

100% agree...that's a 'real mother'.

SeaEagleFeather, I meant to quote your comment above but it looks like I just copied you what I was trying to do was agree with you on what makes a 'real mother'.

I was adopted after 6 months in foster care.

My adoptive parents have told me the very minimum details about my birth parents. I remember my dad telling me I was adopted when I was about seven, and it was literally never mentioned again until I was 18 and asked them about it. I'm 35 now, and it's never been an open topic.

I met my birth mother 10 years ago when I signed up to the Norcap register. We get on really well - like sisters. She was young when she had me.

My DF was adopted at a few weeks old in the 1940s.
He has always known about his adoption, and so have we - but we realised that the rest of the family (cousins etc.) had no idea when he was in his 50s!

He traced his birth family after his (adoptive) parents died and has good relations with his (birth) siblings, none of whom knew he existed until he made contact.

My dad was adopted. His adoptive mother told him when he was 5 in an argument. She was horribly abusive to him.

He found his biological mother later in life who lied to him saying his dad was dead (who wasnt) so that he wouldnt find out about his older sister.

He has since found his biological sister who wants nothing to do with him because she is a middle class woman and we are working class.

He has found his biological dad and has a good relationship with him.

He has nothing to do with his biological mother.

It's all really sad and I really feel for him growing up with a nasty adoptive mother and a sister who he will never speak to again because of snobbery.

I know it doesn't help anyone here - but just to say in our adoption training it was absolutely rammed into us that the worst possible thing we could do is to delay telling our adopted dc - for all the reasons so tragically outlined above.
I've had deep misgivings about the recent viral campaign for a birth mum to find her adopted daughter. While she has all my sympathy for the very unsympathetic way she was treated back in the 70s, the birth mum seems to show little empathy for the potential distress and shock it might cause her child.

There are some truly nasty people in this world...
MusicalChairs, I'm so glad your husband has a good relationship with his dad. He is better off without his birth mother and sister. That must have been difficult finding out he had an older sister, there must have been so many things going around in his head wondering why he was adopted and not her. Very difficult to deal with.

Dimsie, that's lovely and a happy ending.

JustHappy3 I agree with you about the recent social media campaign of the birth mother searching for her daughter. It's dangerous territory plastering it all over the news and social media. If I was the daughter, after all the publicity surrounding the search, I would not get in contact. It is a very private matter and that would make me question her motives. Incidentally I was born in the same hospital so we probably had the same social workers/guardian ad litem.

Understood, Rudolph :)

I think it must be hard for birth mothers to hear their child referring to another woman as their real mother, especially if they gave up their child unwillingly. Very hard.

But it's a good thing that the adopted child forms such deep love for their adopted parents that they become the real ones.

I was adopted at 17 days old, I'm 44 now and I've always known about my adoption, my adoptive parents were happy to answer any questions I had. My adoptive Mum died last year so I decided that I wanted to see my adoption file which I requested via SS.

I had an idea why I was adopted (my parents had always told me that my birth family couldn't afford to keep me) but my file told a different tale (Mum was 19, Dad was older and a Walter Mitty type character and he left her when she was pregnant). I had an intermediary track my birth Mum down but she didn't want to know, I wasn't really arsed TBH, I don't need her, my real Mum passed away and I don't need anyone to fill her place.

Rudolf, thanks for your reply upthread. I had a look at one of the links but it was focused on the adopted person (fair enough), whereas we don't even know if the baby in question was kept by the mum or adopted by someone else. IIRC, someone at the Family Records Centre told me years ago that this is no register which gives birth name => adopted name. You can understand why this would be the case.

I've also tried searching with the child's birth name, mother's name and father's name (I have a copy of the birth cert) and various combinations of these, but no joy, except that I have found someone with the same birth name marrying at about the age you would have expected.

Gah! I suspect I'll never solve this one.

Rudolph thank you. There were some dark times and I did question my entire childhood.

I felt that my parents had kept the information from me in some sort of malicious way but I understand now that they really thought they were doing the right thing.

Due to the circumstances of my bio family and birth, they were advised to never tell me. Thankfully things are so different now, I have friends who adopted a few years ago and the support and counselling they received were excellent.

I do feel that if I'd known the truth earlier I wouldn't have rushed into finding my bio mother. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life but I cannot change that now.

I was in foster care straight from the ward, then adopted around six months old. I've always know I was adopted, I was told that my mother was young & my father was a solider who was killed in NI (all total bollocks) & when I was young dreamt that I was a princess sent to this normal house so that I wasn't killed by a wicked stepmother. In fact I'd been sent to a rather odd/totally disfunctional "family", hence the dreaming. My adoptive parents where drunks/very abbusive & absent about 70% of the time. The house was a mouse infest tip & we witnessed/suffered the most horrific abuse from a neighbour that no one gave a shit about (still don't).

It fucked me up well into my twenties until I finally had counselling & met my husband who literally saved me.

I found out some details of my birth mother. I've no interest in finding her, couldn't face two sets off total fuck ups for parents. Although now that am grown up I have a better relationship with my adoptive parents but see it fit exactly what it is.... a lie. I've made my own truth with my husband & my beautiful children.

Yes adopted 6 months old. I always knew but always felt like something g was missing.
Met the lady who had me when I was 23. We are good friends.
My mum and dad are and always will be that.

KrissyKringle I expect your parents really thought it was the right thing to do (not telling you). As you say you doubt it's malicious, more ignorance but not in nasty way...adoptions were kept quite quiet and there was a stigma around people who couldn't have children the biological way. I was going to say children of their own but we are their children.

LadyMary that is horrific, I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I think I would feel the same as you about birth parents. Thank goodness for a wonderful husband and the family and children you have made together.

Helensburgh that's lovely, and I agree, my parents are the ones I called mum and dad, my birth mum although I love her very very much, I call her by her first name.

Mulberry72 I'm so sorry you lost your mum last year. As for your birth mum, her loss, not yours, she isn't worth your time nor love.

I don't know if any of you have heard this poem but my mum gave it to me when I was 18 in a lovely frame. For those of us who had good adoptions, it's beautiful...

^Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute
You did not grow under my heart
But in it.^