Christmas Meal

11 replies

alltheothernamesareinuse · 02/12/2016 16:02

Don't want to give too many details, though I can't be the only person in a similar situation.
DH's aunt wants us to go over for Christmas dinner. We have invited her over as usual, but she has changed the subject every time.
For context, DH's aunt is more like a mom, but they have a strained relationship and when she has come to us for Christmas it has been very difficult.
There are multiple reasons that I think it is a bad idea for us to go over there. I don't think she'd find it easy to cook a big meal, she'd be unlikely to let us help, and her house is extremely unhygienic. I am not fussy, really not, but think 10 year old food from the freezer, green milk in the fridge, rodents.
It is very difficult to help her and every time I go there, I try to clean or remove congealed milk from the fridge, but she gets very upset. It reached crisis point a few years ago when she stopped letting us over there and we discovered she had a huge rodent problem. The company we got in to help to sort it out couldn't believe that anyone was living there. These days things are better and we just keep as much of an eye as possible and she now has carers going in daily. We have also had accept her right to live as she does. However, I really don't want to upset her, or for there to be any drama over it, but I do not know what to do. Last year she had people over and served 10-year old ham that had been in her freezer. I get so freaked out at the idea of one of the kids getting sick, or worse bitten, or picking droppings off the floor.
Any Mumsnet diplomats have any bright ideas?

OP posts:

happychristmasbum · 02/12/2016 16:14

Oh dear! I wonder why she doesn't want to come to yours - have you asked her? There may be some tiny thing that would make her more willing?

She must know you don't want to go there and so maybe she has other plans or just wants to be alone? If she doesn't like cooking it's hardly likely she would really want you to come?

I think either you or DH has to do some more digging tbh. Good luck!

Niloufes · 02/12/2016 16:15

Sounds to me like you are going to have to tell her straight why you don't think it a good idea to go over for a meal. There is saving face and then there is being risky. Either find some way to sensitively tell her the truth or decline the invitation.

ChasedByBees · 02/12/2016 16:20

Yep, tell the truth. Its not good for her either so the honesty may help her.

Original poster

alltheothernamesareinuse · 02/12/2016 16:20

happychristmasbum, I'm not certain, but I think she just feels more comfortable at home. She also gets very annoyed with the children and tells them off a lot. I can cope with that and ensure I am on hand to deal with it all, and would prefer that to going over to hers.

Niloufes, I can't find any polite way to tell her straight. She knows, I think, but she probably thinks things are much better now and I'd/we'd be making a huge fuss. I don't want to cause upset. She is a very old, and very tricky person.

OP posts:

dreamingofsun · 02/12/2016 16:39

its down to your DH to break the news, its his relative. I wouldn't go to a place that i thought i might get food poisoning or my kids might. down to husband to sort out what angle he wants to take, 'but we'd love to have you at ours again. and if pushed i'd say we all prefer to be at yours over christmas and we know its hard work and costly so prefer to take the pressure off you. after that i wouldn't budge

dreamingofsun · 02/12/2016 16:40

sorry that was meant to say prefer to be at ours.

SilenceOfThePrams · 02/12/2016 16:40

"No, sorry, we are eating at home this year. But you are very welcome to join us. We love you and hope you will, but will understand if you choose to stay home."

EverdeRose · 02/12/2016 16:44

Just let her know that you, dh and the kids want to continue the tradition of Christmas in your own home, tell her its easier that way as kids have their own space they can play in etc. and tell her that she's more than welcome to join and if she's any special requests you'll try to accommodate them.

You don't have to tell her you don't want Christmas at hers, just that you'd prefer Christmas at home.

SleightOfMind · 02/12/2016 16:52

DM lives like your DH's aunt.
She hasn't let me into her house for over a decade now though so we don't have quite the same issue.
She is compelled to bring rotten food over and try feeding it to the DDogs/DCs when we're not looking!
It's horrendous OP and I tear my hair out regularly, despite being determined to accept the things I can't change etc.

Wish I had advice but only sympathy I'm afraid. Hoarders are such tricky customers. You've done so well to even improve the situation.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2016 18:39

Just keep saying that it's better for the DC to be in their own home with their presents at Christmas (how old are they?)

And say that she deserves to be waited on at Christmas so you insist that she comes to you.

If that fails, blunt refusal.

OohhThatsMe · 02/12/2016 18:48

I think she doesn't want to come to yours. If she dislikes noise then I can see why she wouldn't want a family Christmas.

Why not say that you want to spend it at home so that the kids can run around, and would she like to come to yours or have you drop off a couple of plated dinners that they could have in the evening? Would that work?

Flip