To feel an overwhelming sense of sadness and despair because I'm old?

[MelAncoly]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I hate my job and it's stressing me out. I'm working 6 days a week and I'm exhausted. On the surface we look fine, own home, money in bank etc but for the past few months I've started to feel like running away and starting again. I'm terrified almost.

Today, on my way to work i had a flashback to being 16 and having an old man trying to persuade me to have sex with him (I didn't). Slowly as the day has gone on I have began to feel almost despair at my lost youth. All those years, my late teens and 20s were absolutely shit and now they're gone forever. My husband was previously married for 15 years before we met. His 20s were full of married life - he was young, fit and healthy - I've missed that part of him - a whole lifetime of him.
I'm sat in my car at work trying to pull myself together because the way I feel - I could quite easily just drive off into the distance and never come back. I was at ds's open day at uni a few weeks ago and he was looking into accommodation. I was so excited for me but a small part of me wanted to cry. My whole teens and early 20s were wasted and I've missed out on all that.

Quite honestly, I feel like I want to disappear. Today.

Mel,
You sound like you have depression. Being 35 does not give you immunity from depression.

As others have said see your GP again. Make a long appointment so you have time to chat a bit. It is very likely she will prescribe something like Citralopram. Don't fret over trying meds. They can work very well, although it can take a bit of trial and error to get it right.

Most of all you are not alone . Even if right now you feel very isolated. There arelots of us who have depression. It doesn't make you a bad person, just someone who is very unwell.

When I turned 20 I thought "Well that's it, I'm not young anymore, I've completely missed my chance." And I went on thinking that as every birthday approached. And then when I was nearly 30 I had one of those epiphany moments when instead of wringing my hands in despair I thought, "30! How young is that going to sound when I'm 35!" I'm nearly 38 now. There are plenty of things I know I'm too old to do and plenty of things I won't be doing again, some for better some for worse. My life isn't perfect. But it's MINE. And I plan to make the most of it, come what may.

It sounds like the job is too much, 6 days a week is too much unless it's something you enjoy. Could you cut your hours down? Also do see your doctor again, it sounds like depression.

Anita

There are things you could change - by not changing them you are making a choice to stay in a situation that makes you miserable.

I am not one of the positive thinking brigade - life can be shit; I am not putting a positive spin on that.
But - taking control of things that you can control, can make you feel better about the things you cannot.
Looking after yourself, your own needs in terms of space and fun and (to use that hackneyed phrase) 'me time' is not selfish, it's about survival and loving yourself and keeping going.

I know I am repeating myself, and I know fine well that it's not as easy as all that, but seek help.

Crikey, love, I thought you were in your 70s!

I'm a year younger than you. At 19 I met my partner - and yeah, I wish I'd met his younger self but it wouldn't have been legal - and we had our first child at 24.

Now, looky here. Yes, I didn't get to have lots of exciting sex with mystery men. I didn't travel. I didn't build a career. I didn't have crazy adventures and wear a bikini and take lots of photos.

BUT.

Y'know what? IT'S ALL TO COME! I'm heading back to work next year, and we're going to travel, and we're going to have a lot of fun, and do all those things! OK, not the sex with mystery men. But this isn't the middle ages, where you have to have fun in your teens and twenties because you'll be dead by 38. Many 20s have to live the lives of teens - childhood bedrooms, crap job - and 30s live the life of 20s. And 40s... you get the picture.

I've cried too. But if you can come out the other side you realise you have decades left and still loads of time to have fun. Make a list. Ask yourself why you can't do any of those things now. Save. Make changes.

I'm a bit worried you're having a big low today and a big high yesterday with slightly crazy spending. That's a worry. Could you tell your GP that?

So sorry you are feeling like this. I echo what Chaz and Pacific say.

You do sound a bit run down as well as low- working 6 days a week is very demanding - it can't leave much time for you to be you and find something enjoyable to do.

Other people's lives usually do look glossy but as I have got older I have come to realise that everyone has some degree of burden which is not immdiately visible to others.

I do understand about lost youth - spent mine training to be a doctor with gruelling hours. I rarely let my hair down and continued that way for years after I qualified.

What is done is done and looking back with regret can never make us happy so I would suggest thinking how you can make life better now. Can you cut down your hours? Can you make a regular "date night" with your DH?

Counselling is very helpfuul even if it might feel a little scary because a counsellor can really get to the nub of the problem. Don't give up Mel - there is a lot for you to find and enjoy ( even if you cannot see that yet). Hope you feel better soon .
Happy birthday Hazel .

Yes, you are very old. You should get younger instantly.

When I was 35 I had 2 small children and no career. My husband strongly encouraged me to get back into work - at the time I wasn't as depressed as you clearly are, but certainly down. It took a lot of effort at a time my confidence was at a low ebb, but it was worth it.

I am now 45, and life is pretty good. Manic, yes, but good. Job wise, I am on double the money I was on at 45, and although I hate my current boss, I am trying hard to find something else, and enjoying the networking.

There is lots to look forward to - at least I hope so.

Please go to GP, and once you are on an even keel, try and look forward to the future.

Crikey, love, I thought you were in your 70s!

The OP's not but I am, and I don't feel anything remotely similar. We all have regrets about things that could have been different had we been armed with hindsight. Let it go. Want what you've got, don't long for what you don't have.