To not leave because I don't want them to have access

[Adrifty86]

I have started to feel that my partner is emotionally abusive. In particular, towards our three year old, autistic, daughter.

He criticises her a lot to her face. Talks about her like she isn't in the room (especially if his mothers here) and talks about things he shouldn't in front of her. For example horrible news stories, racist views.

Today she has been ill. He has been ok for most of the day but tonight when she refused to take her medicine he said to her face 'she's being obtuse again.'

I've had enough and have wanted to leave for a while.

However I have stayed because I can't stand the thought of my partner (and his emotionally manipulative mother) being able to do this to our children when I'm not there to back them up and protect them. They are also big drinkers and get verbally aggressive when they have had a few (which is very regularly)

I've heard today that it would be possible to get a contact centre arrangement if he is emotionally abusive but that it is very difficult to prove.

So I feel stuck. It's easy enough to say 'leave it will be better for them' but I'm not convinced of that at all.

I've seen partner and MIL with dsd. Mocking her mother and being so pissed they couldn't stand up.

A small part of me things maybe it's not that bad and I'm over exaggerating it in my head but it doesn't feel like it.

I just don't know what to do.

Woah!! They sounds insane and dangerous OP !! He and his mother should leave your home not you. Contact the police for help removing him if he doesn't go quietly and then change the lock's. He sounds like he doesn't even deserve a daughter

I would say to get legal advice and contact social services regarding contact. You have concerns re your child's emotion well being around these people.

Staying will destroy her self esteem. You reach do need to leave

TheoriginalLEM that's the problem I'm trying to get my head around.

Right now, when I pull them up on it, or tell them they are out of order and why, Dd seems better able to shrug it off.

If I'm not here and partner gets 50/50 he will be living with his mother. I doubt they'll be able to manage a sober day between them and I won't be there to stop them belittling her.

I feel exhausted and anxious all of the time. I would love to just get us all out of this right now.

But, if I do I know that I'll be packing them off for a week/weekend, knowing full well what is going to happen to them and being unable to limit/stop it.

from the sound of things they wont want her anyway

This will only get worse as she grows up.

in your shoes I'd leave and refuse access until a court forced my hand. They sound absolutely vile.

There is no presumption of 50:50 care, though, or even EOW if there are child welfare concerns.

Firstly, your DD has diagnosed additional needs, so she needs continuity of care. Your H does not understand those needs, it seems, and will not provide appropriate care. Question is how to evidence that.

Second, your H is abusive and has an alcohol problem. Who else has witnessed this?

The evidence is for a court scenario. But there is a more pressing safeguarding issue. You do not have to allow contact if you believe there are safeguarding concerns. But you also need to show you have kept your DD safe.

The first point is leaving and getting you both to safety. The second is keeping your DD safe. There are services to help you do that. Some contact may be ordered, yes, but it is highly unlikely to be 50:50 or even overnight, with what you are describing. Start logging your concerns day by day and seek advice from children's services and a solicitor in your area. If your DD has autism, she must be known to your GP and HV and other providers. Speak with them about your concerns. If they visit your home, what do they observe?

You do have options in this situation - the worst one is staying for fear of what might happen if you leave. It is easier to fight for your DD if you are not having to cope with her being abused by an alcoholic parent daily. No wonder you are exhausted

No serious advice to offer but just wondered if you can get an hours free advice with a solicitor to go over things with them, Im sure they can give up to an hour free or something, may be worth a google.

At least then you can explain the way they are and will have a much better idea of what can happen rather than worrying. I doubt once you mention the fact he is emotionally abusing you both along with the drink problem, no court would award anywhere near 50/50.

Refuse contact unless court ordered.
At court, explain the alcohol use.
Ask what to do when kids come home saying daddy was dunk etc.
Maybe they or he will have to have a hair strand test?
Maybe they won't bother.
Additional needs....additional care to be taken.

In that situation i would start recording them on video or voice recording for evidence.

Depending on jurisdiction recordings without both parties' consent may be inadmissible/not legal.

Record him doing it. That would count as proof right?

I'm worried that videos won't be admissible as obviously they'd be without his permission.

Oh, he would want her. Not because he actually wanted to take care of her though.

If I dared to leave him he would want to hurt me, and he knows the easiest way to do that is through them.

I have a disability. He has already said he will get custody because I'd be a shit mum without him around (I actually did believe this until he was in hospital for a weekend and it turned out I was much better without him around)

I'm reading the book 'inside the minds of angry and controlling men' and it's like he was the case student for it (not the physical violence bits but the rest is identical)

Just because he says something doesn't mean he will do it.

as pps have said, there are issues around making actual recordings.

I'd suggest keeping a log - as soon as an incident is over, go upstairs and write down who said what. Then you will have something to back yourself up with.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/emotional-abuse/

The NSPCC can advise you OP. Keep posting here. We'll all support you.x

Yes, a man like him would definitely try to use the children to hurt you. The thing is, childcare is difficult when you have to do it on your own even with NT children.

What he threatens and what he does will be different.

I bet there are huge numbers of women on here who can tell you their stories of similar situations.

It seems the pattern is: you stay too long for fear of the 50:50; when you leave he demands 50:50 or "full custody" and blusters that he will take you to court to get it; he says he will report you to social services for being an unfit mother, especially if you are on anti-depressants or anxiety meds (because of him!), blah blah blah. Your solicitor tells you to offer him every other weekend and one week night. His solicitor sets him straight about going to court (don't yet, it's expensive and you'll come off worst). The every other weekend happens for a few visits then he starts looking for reasons to cancel or shorten the visits until a couple of years down the line he hardly ever bothers to see DD.

Alternatively, the individual responsibility, might make him step up and become a good dad. I've seen both scenarios among friends and family. All the ones who stepped up were not bullies though, mainly philanderers or closet gay. None of the bullies stepped up (unless they only appeared to step up but were actually using the contact to continue to bully and control the mother).

I've made that very gender specific. In my family it was my mum who ultimately bailed and my dad who was left with all the childcare. Which was actually better even though he had fairly serious issues himself, though the negative effects of those reduced dramtically when he wasn't living with mum.

OP he sounds like my ex. I have received some brilliant advice on my thread, it's in relationships 'ex wants contact after a year of nothing'

He sounds like a vile man. Do you have a local domestic violence charity? You can self refer and they will help you form an action plan to leave/get him to leave.

The advice you will receive on MN is invaluable.

*What he threatens and what he does will be different
*
This.

Speak to Women's Aid as well.

You will manage better without him.

OP - Is there another child in the picture? You mention our three year old, autistic, daughter, then further on I've seen partner and MIL with dsd. Mocking her mother and being so pissed they couldn't stand up.

Yes there is a ten month old ds, dd 3 and dsd (with sporadic contact) who is 14.

He was perfect until I got pregnant with dd.

I really feel, the more I read about courts and access, that my only chance of protecting them is staying

Eh? What's your logic? What have you been reading?

It is unlikely that he would get (or even want in reality) anything like 50:50.

There are lots of things you can do to make sure he isn't in a position to damage DD and DS.

You say contact with DSD is sporadic. Not anything like 50:50 then?

Look, this will sound harsh, but you are using this as an excuse to do nothing, because you are scared of leaving him. Don't do that.

If it were a reason not an excuse then you would be talking to Womens Aid, Al-Anon, a shit hot lawyer, CAB, social services, DD's special needs support, your health visitor to get real advice on how to make sure he can't harm them when you split up.

At least be honest with yourself about why you won't leave. Don't use the children as human shields.

Leaving is a process, it takes a lot of courage and time to make the steps.

Adrifty, speak to real life human beings who know the support systems. Take your time and gather your information. Post here for advice. But it is absolutely possible to argue for appropriate visiting contact rather than staying contact.

Posting for advice is a first step. Take one step at a time but keep walking. Your life and DC's lives are worth more than this.

That's a bit harsh *runrabbit'. I don't leave my kids with anyone I don't trust inplicitly to care for them 100%. I can't imagine leaving a child with someone like op's DH for 5 mins, let alone every other weekend, or whatever the courts deem suitable.
It's a hard choice.

Keep a log of all abusive behaviour.

Btw abuse often starts during a pregnancy.

Go over to the relationships board. There are some very wise experienced women there.