To be fed up with the way my family is now?

[UnoriginalNN]

My DF died suddenly a few years ago. DM has since remarried to an absolute arse (misogynistic and just an utter utter ARSE - can you tell I'm fed up) and our family dynamic has broken down ever since. He's not family-orientated at all, doesn't understand why DM doesn't want to move away from her DC and DGC as he has form for upping sticks and leaving his kids. My DSis is 20 and so getting her to give a shit about anything beyond her social life is obviously a non-starter. It wasn't like this before they got together - we were all really close. I have been so welcoming and accommodating but he is such a wedge and I'm sat here feeling the saddest I've felt about my DF passing away for a long time. I think DM's husband would prefer it if we all just buggered off tbh. DH says I should just stop making effort now as I'm quite pregnant and don't need the stress. Would this BU? I feel quite lonely and sad about the way our family dynamic is this Xmas but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

You are not being unreasonable to be sad, but you are being unreasonable to expect them to listen to you and try to be something they are not.
Listen to your DH. Its time to let them be the way they are, and do your own thing instead.

Is the expected baby your first? If so concentrate on your own immediate family. Maybe the new baby will remind DM that she is a new granny and want to become more involved again.

Is your mum happy? I lost my DM 5 years ago and DF has a new partner who is the total opposite to her. It's changed our family too. I hate it. I asked DF to visit without her because he didn't interact with my DC the same when she was there. He's fine with this now. She still comes to social gatherings / outings.
Spoke to DF about it and he got upset saying he was happy, we should be happy that he was happy.
It's difficult. We have to put up or not see him. Now he's announced he won't be here Christmas afternoon as usual due to her "health problems"
It's hard adjusting to a new way of life, especially thinking how life would be if your other parents were there.

How horrible for you op, concentrate on yourself and your little family then. You can't change people or change the past.

However you also can't predict the future and things may change.

Ah I'm sorry about your dad

YANBU to be sad, or to be missing your old family dynamic.

Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do to change your DM's arse's husband's point of view, so if you are able to find a way to detach a bit, I think it would be good for you in the long run

Same here, My DM moved away 300 miles away from us to live with a grumpy miserable old man she met on a singles holiday.
Turns out he wasnt single at all- he had put his wife in a home with dementia.
So not long after my DM had sold our family home and moved in with him he tells her actually he has parkinsons and cant take her round the world like he promised her.
She was late 50's he was late 60s then and she died at 78 after 20 years of being his carer, cleaning his arse and wiping his nose. He refused all help in the home but put his own wife into care which all his money went on.
My DM could never come to me for a break 300miles away as he refused to be left. I went here and was told it was lights out at 9pm and he refused to heat the house.
My poor Mum!

Thank you very much for your responses - felt really good just to write it down actually! This will be DC2 so not her 1st, and while she does make effort, I feel that he hampers this a bit. I don't think she's very happy but I can accept that it's her life and she needs to do what she needs to do.

nurse I'm really sorry you're dealing with something similar - it's so difficult isn't it.

I think I do just need to stop expecting anything that resembles the family we had before she remarried.

Bloody hell bird - that's awful. I am so sorry.

Oh Bird I'm so sorry to read what happened to your mum xx

bird it's awful. It's like a different kind of grief. I just concentrate on my immediate family, that makes things easier.

Nothing really to add, except that I really feel for you, OP. It's so sad, but there's nothing you can do about it and I agree with all those who say you're going to have to focus on your own young family. Look forward at them and your DH. You still have a lot to be grateful for.

And, Bird, that's a terrible story. Poor you and poor mum.

I'm so sorry for both of you. Life can be very unfair.

YANBU it's such a shitty situation. My DM died 6 years ago and my dad is with a complete cowbag now, our family has been ripped apart and he is too blinded to see it.

Horrid OP, I feel your pain.

Same for us - FIL remarried someone who wants no contact with his old family. We see him a couple of times a year now (they live a few miles away) and it is really awkward every time. We have tried to sort it out, but the new wife simply isn't interested.

There is nothing you can do. It's like another death - you need to grieve for your loss and then move on.

It is like another death, something else to grieve. I'm so sorry other people are going through similar. I dealt with my DF's death quite well, but this makes me feel so sad.

Thank you for the kindness - I just needed a little reminder that I need to look at the family I've made with DH.

This happened to me when my mum died. I hate my Dad's new partner and feel like I have lost both my parents. There is nothing you can do except grieve for the life you knew and move on. Congratulations on your pregnancy, your not alone in feeling like this, lots of us do

YANBU. My advice is to concentrate on your immediate family & try to have a separate relationship with your dad when you can.