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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask about children's birthday party etiquette

20 replies

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/11/2016 22:54

I have a friend I met through our NCT group. Fur batioys reasjbs not relevant to this, I decided that I wanted to cool the friendship. The NCT group kind of split on half and I was the only one who kept in touch with both groups.

Anyway, DS was recently 4. He is our guest DC so wasn't too sure of party etiquette but decided to invite various pals - including 2 from his nursery.

I also invited the DCs of one of the NCT groups whom we see a lot and the DC of one of the mothers in the other group whom we still see. I didn't invite the DC of the friend whom things have cooled with. However, bearing in mind the fact I haven't seen them for nearly a year, it didn't seem like a massive snub

However, it appears to have been perceived as such. Frankly, I'm not really bothered. It's a kid's birthday party.

However, slightly awkwardly, I will see her and her DC at another party this week. I suspect she will raise this with me there.

I am currently planning on channeling the Lord High Chamberlein in garden party inviting mode on behalf of the Queen - i.e. totally disinterested whilst silently communicating that it is rude to bring this up not quite sure how to do this bit have binge watched The Crown so have some ideas!

Have I made some terrible faux pas however that I should be apologising for however?! I don't plan to as I'm assuming that kids' parties are kind of like adult parties - i.e. not everyone can go!

OP posts:

bumsexatthebingo · 30/11/2016 23:54

I can't believe anyone would actually bring it up but if ahe does I'd just say what you said here - you haven't seen them for a year so they're not exactly close friends.

RichardBucket · 01/12/2016 00:11

If she brings it up I'd shot her a bewildered look, leave a pregnant pause, and say, "But the kids haven't even seen each other in a year. Why would they go to each other's parties?" and then suddenly have to go and talk to someone else.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 01/12/2016 00:11

Just do the Ds picked the invitees thing. By 4 they are starting to have friends of their own.

IMissGrannyW · 01/12/2016 00:55

You can always plead physics - "yes, we'd have loved to have invited your DC, but in our small space we just don't have the room...."

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/12/2016 07:29

Yes - I think it is likely it will be brought up or there will be an atmosphere

Unfortunately can't plead space as an excuse.

I think if it comes up, I might just change the subject.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 08:45

Just tell her the truth: "Sorry if you were put out. We wanted to invite friends and relatives and keep it to people DC knows really well. Obviously the kids haven't seen each other for a very long time."

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/12/2016 09:13

Good plan, trifle. I suspect she will have interrogated other friend to find out who was there and might be able to point out to exceptions as she sees it

God - who cares?! I bloody hate these parties already

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 09:15

If she starts pulling apart your guest list for your child's party she is being unspeakably rude and you will be within your rights to say, "Is that the time? I really need another vol-au-vont" and scamper away!

Trifleorbust · 01/12/2016 09:17

*vent

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/12/2016 10:10

Definitely. I think it will be fine but with a froideur. I will put on my fixed grin

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 01/12/2016 13:00

No doubt she'll have the invite for her child's party with her too (if you are in same NCT and have similar birthdays).

Thank her for this and express your shock and surprise as you would have expected it to only be close friends that were invited.

If she doesn't have an invite then she is in no position to ask where her DC's invite is anyway! She'sanutterandyourbestoffoutofit

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 01/12/2016 13:23

Well, quite.

Actually, her DC's birthday has passed. Not sure if there was a party and my DS wasn't invited.

All that being the case, I'm confused as to the issue. I did invite two other of my closest NCT friends whom she doesn't particularly like (for no obvious reason) so I'm confused as to why they would want to be there anyway.

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 01/12/2016 14:49

In that case I suspect she won't mention it all and if she does just go with the line well the kids aren't friends are they? After all your little Johnny didn't invite Timmy to his.

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/12/2016 15:47

Went to the party and it was all quite mortifying

Saw the NCT friend and she was clearly fuming. Quite a lot of ostentatious whispering to the host etc

Didn't last long as her DC had a gigantic tantrum and couldn't be calmed down so they left after about 20 minutes as they had started to hit her

From chatting to the host and other parents, this seems to be very common. I was aware that her DC was quite hard work. But seemed beyond that.

I feel bad as I think she may be assuming that the lack of invite was down to this which it wasn't.

OP posts:

Itrynotto · 03/12/2016 15:55

What exactly was mortifying? The fact that her children got upset? Did she actually say anything to you with regard to the party or are you just assuming?

TBH you sound very judgmental with your comments about her children and I think that gossiping about her and her children when they had left was rude. It seems that you think your child's party is far more important than it actually is. She probably doesn't care her child wasn't invited.

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/12/2016 16:11

I didn't gossip with the other parents. I was party to a conversation between other parents in which I couldn't control what was said by other people. It's not judgemental to record what has happened. What would be judgemental would be to say that that a child behaved very badly.

I'm mortified that there was an obvious atmosphere. I had assumed that we would be able to chat normally and I'm also converbec that there is a problem going on here that I was not fully aware of and it is assumed that I have not invited this child because of it. This friend is clearly bothered about it

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 03/12/2016 17:13

Perhaps your friend doesn't see the relationship as cooled - does she try to keep in touch with u?

JennyPocket · 03/12/2016 17:26

Gobbolino although it might have felt awkward, you haven't done anything wrong and you don't need to explain yourself to her. I would just carry on as if it hasn't happened, if someone else brings it up I would play it down. If she brings it up I'd say "Sorry you are upset about it but as our DCs get older, their friend group will grow and change all the time, that's the way it goes..." Something neutral like that.

Then move away

eggyface · 03/12/2016 19:42

Are you saying you now think her child might have some unusually high needs, or SN or something, and you think people will think you're cutting her out because of this; rather than because the friendship has cooled?

If so I can see why you feel mortified, I would too, even though it's not the case. I don't know what can be done about it unless you take the bull by the horns and get in touch with her, saying I got the feeling you would have liked little Ermintrude to be invited, sorry we couldn't have everyone.

Original poster

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/12/2016 20:15

eggy - I wouldn't obviously make any kind of diagnosis. But it was clear from the conversations I was party to that there was some kind of ongoing issue which I was unaware of and that things had become more accute recently. Obviously as I haven't seen her for a while, I didn't know.

I chatted with DH (who thankfully got it) and we were both really uncomfortable that she might think this was the reason for the non-invite.

Anyway, I'm having coffee with our mutual friend next week. I obviously do not want to discuss this because despite the comments here, I am not a gossip and was very uncomfortable even being party to the conversations today. I will make sure when we're having a general chat that I mention that we just had a certain number we could have so unfortunately couldn't invite everyone and hope that will be passed on.

OP posts:

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