AIBU to be really pissed at husband for this?

[Sunnyeb12]

I am sat here half of me really cross and half of me trying to put things into perspective. I've put out my 3 DCs advent calendars ready for the morning. I've also put out the dogs (lol) and made a special one for DH, filled fabric pockets with sweets/ nice IOU tickets and scratchcards. DH comes home and doesn't say anything, sees the calendar so I say... do you like it then? And he says yes is it for both of us (?!) and I say no just you. (No thank you from him for it mind you) He says he left mine at work and now he feels bad. Two issues I have... obviously I feel he's lying and doesn't actually even have one for me. And two... why is it ALWAYS the Mum/wife that constantly thinks of others and puts in 110% for the sake of others happiness while the DH only think of themselves. Now I'm annoyed cos I'm the only one in the family who has nothing for the morning. But... reading that back is it really petty? X

He's probably just not as into the whole card/advent calendar thing as you tbh. My DP would just look at me skew eyed if I got him one, so at least yours is trying to kind of 'join in' as it were.

It doesn't mean he's more selfish, just less into that way of doing things.

I dont think it matters if the dh doesnt put much importance in to advent calenders or thinks its stupid. The op put alot of time and efforr into something for him to enjoy... he should appricatw rhe effort. Its hardly going to kill him to partake in aomething so amall but will make op happy.

Iant that what relationships are about . Doing kind things for each other and making them happy.

And secondly... why all the snotty remarks on adults having calenders... how exactly does it make them less of a adult to have a bit of fun....

YANBU I didn't think we were going to do calendars this year as two young children but I have been a bit stressed out with the kids recently and today DH came home with the awesome Lindt calender. Can't wait for my chocolate tomorrow morning!

I'm sorry you're feeling a bit upset/annoyed/neglected 💐 It doesn't matter what causes it, it's a crap way to feel.

Maybe order yourself one of the lovely ones on line. I'm going to go and see what's still available. I think a wee treat each morning is just what the Dr ordered!

To be honest, I'm still faffing about which ones to get everyone & the 1st Dec has snuck up on me...ooops, I'll have to sort that out tomorrow!

Funnily enough, the Hamster is the only one that has one! 😂

It is only always the mum/wife who does this if she chooses to do it.

What everyone else does is their own business. You can't really choose to do something, go to a lot of trouble, and then grumble when others don't have the same priority. We all have our strengths. If your DH is a useless lump in other areas, then fair enough, but if he does his fair share, then I would say try to appreciate him for what he does.

As an aside, I never did anything like what you did with Advent calendars, never sent exH's side Christmas or birthday cards, and often bought myself a nice birthday or Christmas present - still do. It's not because I don't like crafts and the artsy side of things, or because I am The Grinch. My thought wrt the Advent calendars (and also St Nicholas Day and other festive events that mushroomed in the DCs' school), the cards, and also things like daily dessert that exMIL used to do, was that I would be making a rod for my own back if I set a precedent.

Instead, to mark the season, we went to a Christmas event in the local library when the DCs were small, and when they got older we went to the local German Christmas market and spent an evening, and we also went out to find evergreen bits and pieces to decorate for Christmas - I liked to find activities we could all do together. I realise our traditions wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea, or possible with small children, and not everyone has a German Christmas market locally, etc.

I buy an Advent calendar from Aldi and DD4 usually eats the choc out of it before anyone else even realises it's in the house.

I do not do anything special for the cat at Christmas but she thinks the tree is my tribute to her.

OP, maybe look up the five love languages.

What other people do or don't do is neither here nor there. In your family, you normally buy each other an advent calendar so yanbu to be disappointed.

However, it does sound like he's going to be dashing out and getting you a lovely one tomorrow and I can relate to the sinking feeling when you realise a date has crept up on you and you've forgotten. So (as long as he's normally lovely) I sympathise with both of you.

Around here it's fairly equal whether it's DH or me who forgets things and we just have a laugh about it. It was him who remembered to get the DC (who are all young adults!) advent calendars this year but I'll be in charge of pretty much every other bloody thing to do with Christmas stockings.

Drop him some heavy hints at the end of November next year!

OP you sounded a little defeated. Hopefully you've had or a and regained your Christmas energy.

When dcs were little, DH became the running joke amongst nursery/school mums for being away most Mother's Day/Birthdays. I would drag kids to Tesco the evening before and they would pick out 'secret' gifts that I could have the next morning. He always remembered to bring back duty-free perfume or something.

Calendars - we do one with pockets and each day a little scroll of paper says something cryptic for their treats - which comprise sweets, lip balm, watch a movie, have extra money for school lunch, drive around looking at lights etc. When the kids got a little older, we added a chocolate calendar each. I buy them for all of us.

Now they are 18 & 16 and still love that calendar and their Santa stockings!

OP - go out and buy the nicest calendar you can afford for yourself

Yes there are advent calendars for dogs. Not sure why that is seen as odd by at least two PP. YANBU OP , I would be pissed too.

Meh. The chocolate ones aren't great. Looking at the picture through some crappy plastic. Would rather have one gorgeous one and all take turns opening a door.

My Mum puts 110% into things like this. Then she is thoroughly pissed off and passive aggressive if everyone else doesn't behave as she wants them to - grateful and equally obsessed.

I started to behave like that myself and DH stopped me and said, "do you actually care about this stuff?" So now we do Christmas in our pyjamas and do as we please. No guilt, no debt of gratitude and no stress.

Don't understand posters who seem to think it's weird having an advent calendar for a dog. Do you buy your pet a Christmas present ? Same thing surely.

No. They don't care about toys unless I went to a pet shop and bought a bunch of gerbils for them to hunt. Which would be sadistic.
And they are fed too well anyway. You can't ignore them when you are carrying milk or they'll deliberately trip you.

As for the OP: if you do this, do you expect it to be reciprocated? Why?
Maybe your DH does other things which make you happy without expecting a return of investment.

Sorry to sound harsh but, you're setting yourself up to fail & sound like you've fallen into the martyr trap

It's typically (if not always) the women who takes the lead in housework and childcare and family arrangements and plans because these things are seen by many as "women's work".

Not by everyone but I've heard men say "ask the wife she keeps the diary" or women say "I wouldn't trust my husband to wash up or iron to my standard."

Institutionalised sexism is real and it's getting worse. Things were a lot more liberal in the 80s.

After reading new comments this morning I feel I just have to say this... thank you to the few that replied with something positive.

And for all the others... yes this is a board for asking if our actions/ as mums/wives/partners are reasonable or not so I expected a differing of opinion and as I already said in a previous post I obviously was overreacting about the situ when you put life into perspective. However what I was not expecting was a tirade of strong opinions/ judgements and negativity and rudeness about how we run our family.

YES we ALL have an advent calendar in our house (loud gasp of horror!) because we like to make fun memories for our family... dog included.

NO Our dog cannot remember Christmas any more than the newborn baby some of you spend £100 of pounds of gifts on, wrapping them yourself to then unwrap them yourself the next day. But do I judge that... NO!

I have not let my DH know I'm annoyed... that would have been completely out of order... instead what I did was seek advice and vent my frustration on here.

Shame on you to all the rude and negative mumsnetters on here, I must have been mistaken when I thought this was a site for people to seek friendly advice and unite in the already difficult world of parenting.

Have a great day x

Poor you OP. In my experience, the little things DO matter, and being thoughtless and being self-focused are often shown by the casual 'can't be arsed' or 'oops silly me I've forgotten' type of one-way crap behavior. Grrr!

If the OP cares a lot about exchanging advent calendars, then surely it would be a normal sign of love to do this with her? It's not like it's very hard to buy one online or even in a supermarket!

Sunnyday I have been one who sympathises with you but I have to ask on the back of this: Are you new to Mumsnet?! "However what I was not expecting was a tirade of strong opinions/ judgements and negativity and rudeness about how we run our family..." Compared to most AIBU questions, you've got off lightly...

I bought for the children only and then DH sneakily bought one for me, so he was the only one without this morning.

Can't get worked up about it, but did go get him a half price one to start this evening.

Why are adults buying each other advent calendars this year? Never heard of it before

Sunnydays8912 that's Mumsnet for you, love it or loath it!
If only there were a softer, cuddlier, call each other "hun" parenting website around...

Why the name change mid-thread?

I expect he has forgotten. If this is the first time he's forgotten, it's a one-off and nothing to get annoyed about. We all forget things sometimes, and I know 1 December has totally crept up on me. I don't know any adults who buy each other an advent calendar so I think he can be forgiven for this one blip.

He is lying and saying he's left it at work because he knows that if he admits he forgot you'll react exactly as you have done in your post. He clearly doesn't want to upset you; he just made a tiny mistake.

It sounds like it's your choice for advent calendars to be a massive thing in your house and that you go to all this trouble because it's your thing, rather than his. I'm sure he's happy enough to get his advent calendar from you but the whole thing might not have the same significance for him as it does for you. It doesn't mean he cares about you any less or isn't appreciative, just that you are doing something 'for him' that is actually for more you.

Of course the dog gets an advent calendar [well, actually this is the 1st year I've bought one for her]

It was highly entertaining earlier this morning - especially when she spat it out... clearly not the best quality.

I love threads like this when the OP is told they ABU they always turn it back to "oh I thought this site was for advice and support" blah blah blah, which they wouldnt be posting if fellow posters agreed with them!

Mathsanxiety I was thinking of the five love languages as well, one of them is present-giving, and some people are into this, but most aren't and it's probably better if you are with someone who is loving in a different way to not fix everything on the size of your presents or the fact they didn't get an advent calendar.

To me, getting an advent calendar would be another thing on my very long to do list before Christmas, my mum gets them for the kids and that's fine for me. I really wouldn't want to be guilted into a new tradition that involved me going shopping yet again to get more stuff.

I'm quite loving in other ways though:) I always say I'm very appreciative of gifts, luckily my husband is happy with that and gets me lots of presents, knowing I'm quite crap about buying them in return. I do try but buying presents makes me anxious (is it the right thing, no imagination for what to get, giant blank in my head), it's just not a fun thing for me, but I do my best for Christmas Day thanks to Amazon.

Have you and DH done this before? Personally I've never heard of adults buying them for each other, especially not a man. Would be the furthest thing from my DH's mind. Doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
My children share a wooden advent calendar. My dog doesn't have one. DOGS DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRISTMAS IS and men aren't far behind in their thinking!