And she's supposed to be my mother!!

[Mysticstar13]

My mother left me when I was 3months old with her parents and went off to do her thing because I was an inconviance, between my dad and my grandparents they brought me up, I stayed with my dad at weekends and holidays. My mother wasn't even in the equation. Years past I grew up then when I became a teenager my mother randomly apperard with some new boyfriend, when I was 14 my dad died. My mother was that pissed at the funeral she fell into the grave next to him. Then she decided I had to go live with her. Then the abuse started and the blame of my dad dying so I left. No matter where I went I always kept in touch with my grandparents. Then I got into a relationship and had my ds and dd, due to that turning out to be extremely violent I tried to go to my mother who in the end supported the now evil x, few more years passed and I met my now wonderful hubby and had dd2 and ds2 ( total of 4 kids) now my mother has now decided to go out of her way to make our lives as miserable as possible I've lost jobs because of her, no friends because of her, then after having her phoning me at all hours while she's pissed up carrying on down the phone on how everything is my fault, I'm the biggest mistake of her life, on how I shouldn't have been born, I'm a disappointment and I need to sort my life out. I even had to block her on facebook due to the nasty things she was posting daily on my wall, calling me and my kids all the names under the sun. Type of thing. So we cut her off completely 10yrs have past since last having any form of contact with her,

Now over these last 10yrs we found out that my eldest son has autism with other things combined and when spoke to and dealt with correctly he is the most lovely bright lad you could meet with a wicked sense of houmor, my eldest daughter has got very complex learning disabilities which is no body's fault but she is so gifted and loving in many other ways. Then this last 2yr has been a total nightmare from my wonderful father in law passing away then my brother in law and then my grandfather,

Then the phone calls start again so while I'm coming to deal with all our own family problems, plus working, plus sorting the kids out, plus grieving, I've got her carrying on over the phone that it's all my fault, she's never had anything to do with my kids and doesn't even know them ( she made it clear that they were to never call her grandma ) she accuses me of bad parenting and that my eldest 2s disabilities is my fault because I don't deserve kids and I shouldn't be allowed to be happy, she's at it again calling us all the most nasty names I've ever heard, but the final straw was when she called my kids nasty horrible animals that should be in a home. My hubby and I both work are asses off to provide everything our kids ask for, they are not spoilt but they don't want for anything, we're not rich if anything we're struggling like hell but everything we do is for these kids. Now my grans on her last days, I'm struggling to find the time between work, school runs, meetings, more school runs to go see her, yet there is her again on the phone carrying on that I'm not doing enough and that yet again it's all my fault. I feel sorry for my kids for now we have no other family members left and that bit of help/ support / respite we had has now gone, and to top it all off our youngest is now also being assessed due to him struggling at school, why can't she just be what a mums supposed to be but then again I don't know what it's like to have a mum cause she was never there, so why is she so horrible to me. I couldn't do to my kids what she's doing to me, it hurts but it makes me more determined to do more with my own. I'm dreading my Gran going cause she's going to blame me for that and carry on even more, she's already managed to somehow get me cut out of my grandfathers will, not that I'm bothered she could have it all if it means I never hear from her again. She's making me ill with all the upset and stress she's causing. Sorry for going on

OP can you not simply hang up the phone when she calls, delete voicemail without listening? I know there is still the pain of having such an awful mother but at least you're not having to listen to fresh crap?

She sounds bloody awful - I suspect a lot of it is displaced anger, blame & guilt - she cannot direct it towards herself so it must be your fault

If you can stop whoever is passing on your details doing this again, that would be a start.

What sort of phone is she ringing to?

If it's an iPhone you can block the number

I've had a similar thing with my mother.
The only thing that helped was getting caller display on the phone so I could see if it was her phoning. Before that my knees would literally buckle under me whenever the phone rang.
Delete all voicemail messages. DON'T listen to them. Just press the delete button.
Change your email. Create a new one and don't let her know what it is. NEVER look at the old email again, or delete it.
She's an evil old woman who doesn't deserve you.
Best wishes..

It isn't you, it really isn't and you've done absolutely nothing to deserve this. Your mother is the one with the problem, she should be utterly ashamed of herself but somehow she will be justifying all her appalling behaviour.

I'm so sorry for you, it seems this will only end when your Gran dies which is a heartbreaking prospect.

Could you talk to someone to see what your legal options are in the short term just to see if there is anything that can be done to minimise the impact she is having on you?

If she carries on after your Gran has died please do let the full weight of the law fall on her head.

Again, so sorry you are going through this and sorry I have no better advice.

So you can't block your mother until after your grandmother died, because the hospital will only inform the next of kin?

What did the senior staff at the hospital / care setting say when you complained about this? Presumably you informed them of your mother's unsuitability as a contact due to her alcoholism and safeguarding concerns?

Do they know that you are being abused as a result of this?

Yes I spoke to the hospital staff regarding keeping me informed about my Gran due to me wishing to have no contact with the evil cow, but because my uncle ( whom I've had no contact with since I was a child and have no info on him what so ever) has power of etorny for my Gran and my late grandfathers estate, they won't do what I've asked. Now I've tried to ask her about this but all I get is shut out and told it's nothing to do with me. - I'm really annoyed over that because they brought me up!!!!.

I'm currently ignoring all calls from her and I've turned my voicemail off, I've not got an iPhone but I might look into getting one just to block her for that would be easier than having to change my number.

She's awful.
You're not. You've done nothing wrong. At all.

I'm glad that you didn't have her in your life when you were a young child, because this would have been what you grew up with and thought normal. You can see it's not. But that doesn't change the pain of not having a mother.

I don't know if it could help, but could you show the hospital The phone calls or let them listen to some messages? Maybe there's a way you could be informed after she has been (to still follow next of kin protocol)? I really am not sure.

But do get one if Susan Foreward's. There's the one mentioned above and also Mothers Who Can't Love.

And OP, she is your birth mother, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's your mother.

Cross post re the hospital. It sounds really awful.

So your uncle could keep you informed instead? Most phones can block / mute numbers... Which brand do you have?

For years a parent was very cruel to me over the phone. Most phone calls would end up with me furious or crying.
It took me a long while to realise the I was physically holding the phone to my ear. I was answering the phone knowing it was them. It wasn't them at fault, it was ME! I was allowing them to do it.

I started to take the phone away from my ear. I stopped allowing myself to be abused. You need to do this OP. Your mum can't upset you over the phone if you do t allow her to. Change your number.

Go NC it really is the only way. Change phone numbers and email address. You deserve better. Focus your attention on those that love you.

No advice but I wanted to give you a hug. My gran was like a mum to me and I found it hard. Never mind the crap you are dealing with regards to your maternal parent.

My mum is a witch too, not quite on the same scale but everything my dh and i do is stupid, pointless, a waste of time etc etc.

I visit once a week and dread it. All there way there, im thinking i can turn round!!

Its not you, its her, deep down she knows shes crap but has to blame someone because it cant possible be her!!!

Would it be possible to ask the hospital staff to ask your Uncle to contact you , he will know what your mother is like I am sure . Just ask him to contact you with regards your Grans health .

I did wonder if you didn't get written out of your Grandfathers will , perhaps he just passed everything over to your Grandmother as his spouse , which would be fairly normal I think ? Perfect opportunity for your Mother to stick the knife in though , making you think he had left you out .

I've left messages with the staff asking for him to get in touch with me, but with no avail, I've only got what the evil cow has said to go on about my grandfathers will etc but I also know that I can't trust a word that comes out of her mouth due to the amount of lies she's told my entire life, I'm stuck for I've nothing to go by to check anything.

She sounds like a peach

This isn't you, it's her decision to compete for the prize of 'world's worst mother' not yours.

Block her, I don't believe that you couldn't be told if your GM dies.

It may be worth talking to PALS, the Patient Advice and Liaison Service, at the hospital about your contact details. They are there is solve problems that patients and their families are experiencing.

I've only got what the evil cow has said to go on about my grandfathers will etc

Wills are held as a public record - you can find your grandfather's here, if you want to:-

www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

Hi, baconandeggies - that sounds like a really good idea about OP looking up her Grandfather's will as public record. I just wondered if the will was drawn up by solicitors, would the solicitors contact details be on the site??? If they were, perhaps OP could contact them and ask them to get in touch with her Uncle for her, to try and resolve the issue about being needing to be kept updated directly about her Gran's condition by the hospital staff.

I don't know that's the only other thing I can think of. Or leave a physical note at the hospital the next time you visit your Gran, but obviously no guarantee that he will get it.

OP - I'm really sorry to hear that you have this happening to you. Whatever anyone says to try and comfort you is always going to be inadequate. I know you are sat crying, - well any of us here would be doing the same, but what I also get from this, is that despite all the damage and abuse your mum has done to you over the years, you are a strong person. I know you don't feel strong at the moment.

You got through your childhood with stable loving relationships with your Dad and both your Grandad and Gran - some people wouldn't have been able to do that after what your mum did. But you made it.

Yes you had the violent relationship (none of us are above making mistakes like that) with the father of your first two children, but instead of staying to be a punching bag you had the strength of will to get out with your kids. Some people stay for years in an abusive relationship like that especially if there are children.

I'm sorry to hear about your recent family loses, the fact that you feel the loss of them the way you do, just proves what a good and caring person you are. All this despite having such a damaging hateful biological mother.

My youngest DS (now 14.5) has ADHD and Dyspraxia, and I know many people who have children with various types and levels of SN. Its not easy, its difficult, tiring, exhausting, and usually full on but totally worth it. The love I hear as you mention all your children reinforces what a good mother you are. You have don't need the approval or anything else from your biological mother. I think we all know that there is more to being a good mother than just giving birth.

If anything it sounds to me, if I'm being charitable, that there is something severely wrong with her. I used to work for a charity which meant sometimes helping patients who had mental health issues, and I now work with patients with dementia and Alzheimer's. I'm not a MH medical expert but she sounds as though there are deep underlying mental health issues. The very fact that you are having such ongoing and manipulative abuse from her makes me think there is alot more going on than a woman who has rejected her child. She sounds jealous of you, and I think feels alot of guilt not only how she's treated you by giving you up, then hows she's treated her parents over the years, - unfortunately with her personality or mental health problems she can't admit that she's at fault in any way and so is using you as her whipping boy. Her hounding behaviour where she's seeking you out to abuse you, would indicate shes totally obsessed with you and deranged.

So firstly anything she does say to you that is hurtful, I beg you to please put that out of your mind and your life. This is coming from an individual who has alot of problems in her own life and is quite twisted. That is not someone who you should ever listen to and believe or give value to anything she says to you or about you. Do not let her malice touch you.

But her behavior of abandoning you as a child, blaming you for the death of your Granddad, hounding you at work to lose jobs, lying to friends so you lose them, and this latest abuse of you at home - all of this is just not normal behaviour. She is behaving like a bullying stalker and I believe there are now laws to help victims of stalking.

Secondly if I were you, I would discuss with DH - he sounds like a wonderful man, but then as you are a pretty special and courageous woman its hardly surprising you he fell in love with you. I think the two of you need to get a plan together on how to deal with her. For a start, I would put a history together of all the things that she has done re jobs, friends, abusing you etc, dates and times where possible and any witnesses. I would also now keep a diary of all recent and ongoing abuse, again dates and times, how many times she's called and what she's saying. Get the answerphone to take incoming calls if you haven't got caller ID so you are not at the mercy of every phone call. And I would also keep horrible messages so you can play them back to the Police.

Yes that's what I'm saying OP. Police. You may feel you have enough on your plate atm with your Gran. It is such a difficult time, I know its probably more than enough coping with that. But if you don't feel you can cope with taking this on at the moment, then I would suggest you and your DH think about doing this after your Gran has passed on.

You are a special and wonderful person OP. And that's because of your Gran, Your Granddad and your Dad, and because you are You.

Don't ever let anyone ever put you down or believe what crap they say.

Will be thinking of you OP and your family. Sending big hugs. xxxx

Holldstock1, that is a totally amazing post. I hope I get feedback from you when I post about family problems. It says everything that needs saying.

OP, read what Holldstock1 has written and absorb it. She's right. Everything you say is full of the love and care you and the rest of your family have for each other. You're amazing to have come through this shit such a loving, strong woman. Your mother isn't worth your time.

if the will was drawn up by solicitors, would the solicitors contact details be on the site???

Yes - it's a downloadable copy of the actual will, so solicitor's details are there, as well as who was the executor etc

Of course it's not your fault, but from an early age you will have felt it must be - what's the alternative, that one of the people who was supposed to love you most didn't? That's a horrifying thought, but it's true - she doesn't and can't from the sounds of it.

Many abuse blame themselves, but it is 100% her fault not yours. Wish I could come and give you a hug - I've cried over my mum and her (literally) insane treatment of me many times.

Sorry if this has been mentioned at all, but if she absolutely HAS to stay in touch for a while, could she contact your husband directly, not you? (You could even buy a £20 phone plus PAYG sim and give her your "new" number to control it that way?)

Also, have you ever been able to access counselling, or anti-anxiety or depression medication at all? They were literal life-savers for me at one point.

If you can't change your number, you can at least get her issued a PIN by the Police and then if she continues they should deal with it via either Malicious Communications or Harassment and she likely would be arrested.
Are there no other relatives that could keep you updated on your Gran?
As you are family, the Hospital can tell you things I believe. I've phoned the Hospital for updates on my Gran before.

Your mum sounds terrible. You owe her nothing.

I'm so sorry op, she sounds horrific. She's just the woman who gave birth to you, not a mother. You are a mother, your children sound so loved and cared for. She's probably bitter about what a success you are and your lovely life. Have you considered counseling to help you deal with all this?